The Fish
for 3 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Surprise Ending

I can't speak for all our
readers, but when it comes to
TV, the people participating
in our Cafe Utne Web site
seem more fans than fascists.
My God! There's even a TV
conference with 88 topics.
And whaddya know? One of them
is Sports Night.

Tom McKusick
Publisher
Utne Reader
www.utne.com

Tom,

That is a ringing endorsement
for Cafe Utne, all right, and
speaks to the egalitarianism
of its hard-core, middlebrow
audience — unlike Cafe
Suck, of course, where all
the talk is on the new
quickcam technology being
used by Russian whores.
Still, I imagine a high
degree of self-regard,
despite their guilty
pleasures, is one thing both
our readerships have in
common.

Hans Moleman

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Moleman,

While being gay is more
acceptable today than being
Christian, I'll come out of
the Book long enough to
assert that Jesus is the
Christ. Since I'm out, allow
me to say that sweating about
eschatology is about as
scatological as worrying
about the fine print on the
architecture of reality. Both
topics have their interesting
points but yield little in
the way of immediately useful
material. Please do not
confuse understanding what
life means with having a
lobotomy.

Love you guys,

Christopher L. Smith
<smitty_one_each@bigfoot.com>

Dear Chris,

We love you too, even if you
are one of those "#$!*%
Christians," as the bad guys
say in Chick tracts. But
where does scatology come
into it? The end of the world
don't mean shit to us.

Yrs,

Moleman

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Junior

Subject: John-John Who?

Whilst innocently waiting to
see The Blair Witch Project
(more an experiment in new
advertising than a film), a
group of friends and I were
approached by a journalist
from the San Jose Mercury
News
and asked how we felt
about Jr.'s death. Evidently,
the thirtysomething
generation is all broken up
about his death and wanted to
know if we, the
twentysomethings, felt the
pain of loss they did. Well,
death is always sad, but
honestly, when queried, I
couldn't say it struck me
much at all. I felt a deeper
loss when Shel Silverstein
died.

I can't say I recall what
John Jr. looked like or
anything of import he'd done.
Someone had to remind me
about that magazine —
heaven knows I never read it.
I'd love to say it's the
media's fault for blasting
his death all over the news
while the death of Mother
Teresa (I don't agree with
her religious beliefs but she
still did a lot of good work)
was forced to play second
fiddle to Di, but the fact is
it isn't. The media is
composed of minstrels singing
for their supper. They have
to print or air what people
will read and watch. I'm glad
I got the opportunity to say
I don't want to hear the
minute and often ugly details
of the lives of stars, but I
doubt my 15 minutes of fame
are going to radically change
the way news is reported.

I put the question to you
Sucksters: Is it possible to
maintain journalistic
integrity and still get
people to read what you
write? Can the media train
the unwashed masses to look
for real news by slowly
slipping it into the
mainstream? Or are the real
stories bound to get left
behind and replaced by a
heartwarming story about a
puppy who dialed 911 when his
owner fell down the stairs?

Liz Cantrell

A puppy dialed 911 when his
owner fell down the stairs?
That is so amazing! When did
that happen? Where can we get
the full story? God, that is
so incredible!

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Know Your Options

Johnny,

I scored 27 for a start-up I
worked for back in '94, got
downsized by but made a few
bucks off the stock
options. Your system is a
more accurate valuation tool
than anything available at
that time. Patent the
business model while you
still can.

(You might link to "Weenie
Roast" from a few years ago.)

Andrew
SF, California

Thanks for the kind words.
FYI, you can't patent a
business model. I don't mean
you can't patent a business
model, though judging from
the career trajectory you
describe, you probably
couldn't even if it were possible.
The point is, business models
are unpatentable, just like
titles are uncopyrightable,
software is unprotectable,
and this horrible war we're
in over in Vietnam is
unwinnable. Peace with honor
is a sham concocted by The
Man for the continued
oppression of the working
classes, Andrew.

Thought you'd want to know.

Best,

Johnny Cache

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Well priceline did! Not to say
it's just or pro or anti The
Man, but they did,
nonetheless.

I couldn't, that's for damn
sure. If I did, would I be
here at AT&T?

Andrew Sullivan
<ajsullivan@att.com>

But I'd wager priceline's
maneuver will prove
unenforceable in the long
run. A business plan just
doesn't make sense as a
patentable thing. I'm no
lawyer, but it seems too
restraint-of-tradey to stand
up.

And I sure wouldn't be a
freelance writer if I could
come up with a viable
business model for anything
— or, for that matter, if
I were a lawyer.

Best,

Johnny Cache

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: I nees ome help.
Questions.

It is about something I read
on July 12 which states the
report on the commission that
general McCaffery had set up
to study marijuana. Well here
is my question that I need
help with. I would like a
copy of this study because
I'm doing a study on
marijuana and this report
could help my research.

Thank you for the time and
help.

Peter
<Scrub124@aol.com>

While we aren't familiar with
the study you mention (let
alone have copies of it
strewn about for your
perusal), we have conducted a
study of our own on the
subject. Brave subjects like
yourself have helped us
conclude that marijuana
impedes one's ability to
think and communicate
effectively.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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