for 2 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Johnny,

I scored 27 for a start-up I
worked for back in '94, got
downsized by but made a few
bucks off the stock
options. Your system is a
more accurate valuation tool
than anything available at
that time. Patent the
business model while you
still can.

(You might link to "Weenie
Roast" from a few years ago.)

Andrew
SF, California

Thanks for the kind words.
FYI, you can't patent a
business model. I don't mean
you can't patent a business
model, though judging from
the career trajectory you
describe, you probably
couldn't even if it were possible.
The point is, business models
are unpatentable, just like
titles are uncopyrightable,
software is unprotectable,
and this horrible war we're
in over in Vietnam is
unwinnable. Peace with honor
is a sham concocted by The
Man for the continued
oppression of the working
classes, Andrew.

Thought you'd want to know.

Best,

Johnny Cache

Well priceline did! Not to say
it's just or pro or anti The
Man, but they did,
nonetheless.

I couldn't, that's for damn
sure. If I did, would I be
here at AT&T?

Andrew Sullivan
<ajsullivan@att.com>

But I'd wager priceline's
maneuver will prove
unenforceable in the long
run. A business plan just
doesn't make sense as a
patentable thing. I'm no
lawyer, but it seems too
restraint-of-tradey to stand
up.

And I sure wouldn't be a
freelance writer if I could
come up with a viable
business model for anything
— or, for that matter, if
I were a lawyer.

Best,

Johnny Cache

Subject: I nees ome help.
Questions.

It is about something I read
on July 12 which states the
report on the commission that
general McCaffery had set up
to study marijuana. Well here
is my question that I need
help with. I would like a
copy of this study because
I'm doing a study on
marijuana and this report
could help my research.

Thank you for the time and
help.

Peter
<Scrub124@aol.com>

While we aren't familiar with
the study you mention (let
alone have copies of it
strewn about for your
perusal), we have conducted a
study of our own on the
subject. Brave subjects like
yourself have helped us
conclude that marijuana
impedes one's ability to
think and communicate
effectively.

Destiny (I feel like I'm in a
strip club or on American
Gladiators addressing you by
that name),

Que pasa? I enjoyed your
article on the "Pee-Wee
Hermanesque" Tarzan action
figure. In particular I like
the way your voice carries
through your writing — it
echoes the free-flowing style
we find appealing.

I'm looking for someone who
would be interested in
producing occasional coverage
of stories related to college
students (in some random
major or another). Unlike
many college newspapers that
have evolved into a liberal
soapbox on acid, our goal is
to provide unique material to
a more broad audience.

Check out the current site
and you will have a better
idea of our company's vision.
It is only a demo site for
our national launch, but the
content speaks for itself.

Hope to see your work grace
the front page of Suck in the
near future, and I hope to
hear from you soon,

Thanks,

Jason Amala
<amala@allstudents.com>

Hey thanks for the
compliment, man — "echoes
the free-flowing style we
find appealing" — that's
great news. Are you Spanish?

Destiny

Song of Myself

Que pasa? I enjoyed your
Internet start-up quiz today
in Suck, but I have to admit
I scored a 46. In particular,
I like the way your voice
carries through your writing
— it echoes the
free-flowing style we find
appealing.

I'm looking for someone who
would be interested in
producing occasional coverage
of stories related to college
students (in some random
major or another). Unlike
many college newspapers that
have evolved into a liberal
soapbox on acid, our goal is
to provide unique material to
a more broad audience.

Check out the current site
and you will have a better
idea of our company's vision.
It is only a demo site for
our national launch, but the
content speaks for itself.

I am still trying to find an
"industry standard" for
compensation for freelance
writing, but I imagine it
will be a sliding scale. I
have made some calls and
emails into various online
magazines, so hopefully I'll
have some sort of focal point
in the near future (any help
you can give me would be more
than welcomed).

Hope to see your work grace
the front page of Suck again
in the near future, and I
look forward to hearing from
you soon,

Thanks,

Jason Amala
<amala@allstudents.com>

Well, I've always prided
myself on my free-flowing
style. Please do find a focal
point and get back to me.

Poor Richard

Riding that Train

On a recent episode of Just
Shoot Me, two of the
characters made an overt
reference to cocaine usage.
It struck me as odd,
especially as this is a
popular prime-time television
show. One would think the
subject of cocaine put in a
positive light, or quipping
about its sexual benefits,
would be taboo. Certainly,
too much for NBC (or ABC,
CBS, or even most basic cable
stations, for that matter). I
suppose with any economic
upswing, luxury items
(whether they be cigars, exotic
drinks, or designer drugs)
always seem to bring
themselves to the forefront.
But, has cocaine really
become exceptable with the
mass media? Where is Jerry
Falwell and the
Bible-thumping theocracy
boycotting the National
Broadcast Company here? Or
are they simply too busy
trying to look up Tinky
Winky's skirt?

Regards,

Greg Marckel
<evergreg@glasscity.net>

Cocaine has become
exceptable, meaning that most
studio executives are against
drug use, but when it comes
to cocaine, they're willing
to make an exception.

OK, got lots of other people
to talk to! Gotta go now!

Exceptionally exceptable,

Sucksters

The Shit

"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998 The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974 Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971 Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999 Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998 Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998 Request magazine (any issue after June 1999) On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964 The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998 Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Big Red soda