for 30 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Destiny (I feel like I'm in a
strip club or on American
Gladiators addressing you by
that name),

Que pasa? I enjoyed your
article on the "Pee-Wee
Hermanesque" Tarzan action
figure. In particular I like
the way your voice carries
through your writing — it
echoes the free-flowing style
we find appealing.

I'm looking for someone who
would be interested in
producing occasional coverage
of stories related to college
students (in some random
major or another). Unlike
many college newspapers that
have evolved into a liberal
soapbox on acid, our goal is
to provide unique material to
a more broad audience.

Check out the current site
and you will have a better
idea of our company's vision.
It is only a demo site for
our national launch, but the
content speaks for itself.

Hope to see your work grace
the front page of Suck in the
near future, and I hope to
hear from you soon,

Thanks,

Jason Amala
<amala@allstudents.com>

Hey thanks for the
compliment, man — "echoes
the free-flowing style we
find appealing" — that's
great news. Are you Spanish?

Destiny

Song of Myself

Que pasa? I enjoyed your
Internet start-up quiz today
in Suck, but I have to admit
I scored a 46. In particular,
I like the way your voice
carries through your writing
— it echoes the
free-flowing style we find
appealing.

I'm looking for someone who
would be interested in
producing occasional coverage
of stories related to college
students (in some random
major or another). Unlike
many college newspapers that
have evolved into a liberal
soapbox on acid, our goal is
to provide unique material to
a more broad audience.

Check out the current site
and you will have a better
idea of our company's vision.
It is only a demo site for
our national launch, but the
content speaks for itself.

I am still trying to find an
"industry standard" for
compensation for freelance
writing, but I imagine it
will be a sliding scale. I
have made some calls and
emails into various online
magazines, so hopefully I'll
have some sort of focal point
in the near future (any help
you can give me would be more
than welcomed).

Hope to see your work grace
the front page of Suck again
in the near future, and I
look forward to hearing from
you soon,

Thanks,

Jason Amala
<amala@allstudents.com>

Well, I've always prided
myself on my free-flowing
style. Please do find a focal
point and get back to me.

Poor Richard

Riding that Train

On a recent episode of Just
Shoot Me, two of the
characters made an overt
reference to cocaine usage.
It struck me as odd,
especially as this is a
popular prime-time television
show. One would think the
subject of cocaine put in a
positive light, or quipping
about its sexual benefits,
would be taboo. Certainly,
too much for NBC (or ABC,
CBS, or even most basic cable
stations, for that matter). I
suppose with any economic
upswing, luxury items
(whether they be cigars, exotic
drinks, or designer drugs)
always seem to bring
themselves to the forefront.
But, has cocaine really
become exceptable with the
mass media? Where is Jerry
Falwell and the
Bible-thumping theocracy
boycotting the National
Broadcast Company here? Or
are they simply too busy
trying to look up Tinky
Winky's skirt?

Regards,

Greg Marckel
<evergreg@glasscity.net>

Cocaine has become
exceptable, meaning that most
studio executives are against
drug use, but when it comes
to cocaine, they're willing
to make an exception.

OK, got lots of other people
to talk to! Gotta go now!

Exceptionally exceptable,

Sucksters

I don't get this:

"THE JURY DELIBERATES! A
simple summary of the jury
deliberation process in one
sentence. 'But ... this one
goes to 11.'"

Eileen Cannaday
<eileen@oven.com>

That thing is two years old.
Why must I be held
accountable for my mostly
incomprehensible jokes long
since forgotten?

"This one goes to 11" is a
line from Spinal Tap, in
which one of the guys in the
band explains to a reporter
that his amp is louder than
any amp ever made because the
volume dial goes not just to
10, but to 11. The reporter
says, "Yeah, but your 11 is
obviously the equivalent of a
10 on a different amp." The
rocker's response is, "But
... this one goes to 11."
Complete lack of
comprehension, bespeaking a
brain-shaped hole in one's
head, but paired with the
stubborn conviction that by
repeating the same thing over
and over, someone will
eventually get it.

When I was on jury duty, at
least half of those present
repeated the same worthless
information as justification
for their verdict. "But ...
he seems like he's just
looking to make some money....
People get cancer for all
kinds of reasons; you can get
cancer from drinking water!"
Then there were those who'd
just point at me or someone
else and say, "What she said
... I agree with what she
said exactly" — which you
have to admire when the
alternative is parading your
inability to think logically
and cluttering up the room
with useless information.
"That one doctor lady was
such a fake, did you see how
she talked?...Everyone dies
eventually, what are you
gonna do? This guy is old....
My socks don't match."

You particularly have to
admire the ones who agreed
with me.

Anyway, I tried to stick it
to the man, but the glove
didn't fit. Motherfucker!

Polly

Hit & Run

I believe I am being
controlled by the Internet.
Can I have some medication
too?

Tomb
<tbernardi@pcolor.com>

No. Bad dog.

Dear Sucksters,

Great column today. I feel
"funnier" (interview with
comedy coach) already!
Seriously, I've had your site
as my homepage since I
discovered youse guys about
six months ago, and I'm often
amused by your pithy insights
— and I mean that as a
compliment!

Howard Davis
<hed1117@earthlink.net>

We swear by the Comedy Coach.
He's the wacky Dr. Feelgood
with an unlimited
prescription for Laughter!

I've been reading your stuff
for a while now, and I've
noticed you manage to take a
cheap shot at Canada at least
once a week. What's your
problem? Do you have
something against winter? Do
you hate maple leafs? Maybe
you're just jealous you don't
have Medicare. Electing a
wrestler as a governor and
actually allowing Dan Quayle
to run for president doesn't
speak well for you, so maybe
you shouldn't be taking shots
at Canada. It's just sad.

Donevan Miskimins
<dmiskimins@hotmail.com>

You've got it all wrong, Mr.
Miskimins — if that is
your real name. We think
Canadians are the bee's
knees, and we never miss a
chance to bring them up.

Supporting harmony across the
free trade zone,

Sucksters

The Shit

"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998 The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974 Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971 Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999 Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998 Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998 Request magazine (any issue after June 1999) On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964 The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998 Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Big Red soda