The Fish
for 29 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Filler

I don't get this:

"THE JURY DELIBERATES! A
simple summary of the jury
deliberation process in one
sentence. 'But ... this one
goes to 11.'"

Eileen Cannaday
<eileen@oven.com>

That thing is two years old.
Why must I be held
accountable for my mostly
incomprehensible jokes long
since forgotten?

"This one goes to 11" is a
line from Spinal Tap, in
which one of the guys in the
band explains to a reporter
that his amp is louder than
any amp ever made because the
volume dial goes not just to
10, but to 11. The reporter
says, "Yeah, but your 11 is
obviously the equivalent of a
10 on a different amp." The
rocker's response is, "But
... this one goes to 11."
Complete lack of
comprehension, bespeaking a
brain-shaped hole in one's
head, but paired with the
stubborn conviction that by
repeating the same thing over
and over, someone will
eventually get it.

When I was on jury duty, at
least half of those present
repeated the same worthless
information as justification
for their verdict. "But ...
he seems like he's just
looking to make some money....
People get cancer for all
kinds of reasons; you can get
cancer from drinking water!"
Then there were those who'd
just point at me or someone
else and say, "What she said
... I agree with what she
said exactly" — which you
have to admire when the
alternative is parading your
inability to think logically
and cluttering up the room
with useless information.
"That one doctor lady was
such a fake, did you see how
she talked?...Everyone dies
eventually, what are you
gonna do? This guy is old....
My socks don't match."

You particularly have to
admire the ones who agreed
with me.

Anyway, I tried to stick it
to the man, but the glove
didn't fit. Motherfucker!

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hit & Run

I believe I am being
controlled by the Internet.
Can I have some medication
too?

Tomb
<tbernardi@pcolor.com>

No. Bad dog.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Sucksters,

Great column today. I feel
"funnier" (interview with
comedy coach) already!
Seriously, I've had your site
as my homepage since I
discovered youse guys about
six months ago, and I'm often
amused by your pithy insights
— and I mean that as a
compliment!

Howard Davis
<hed1117@earthlink.net>

We swear by the Comedy Coach.
He's the wacky Dr. Feelgood
with an unlimited
prescription for Laughter!

 
Fish With Letter Icon

I've been reading your stuff
for a while now, and I've
noticed you manage to take a
cheap shot at Canada at least
once a week. What's your
problem? Do you have
something against winter? Do
you hate maple leafs? Maybe
you're just jealous you don't
have Medicare. Electing a
wrestler as a governor and
actually allowing Dan Quayle
to run for president doesn't
speak well for you, so maybe
you shouldn't be taking shots
at Canada. It's just sad.

Donevan Miskimins
<dmiskimins@hotmail.com>

You've got it all wrong, Mr.
Miskimins — if that is
your real name.
We think
Canadians are the bee's
knees, and we never miss a
chance to bring them up.

Supporting harmony across the
free trade zone,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Wanking Towards Bethlehem

Hi Destiny,

I appreciated your nice
article about the
masturbating Tarzan and
friends.

I suppose that's not a
completely accurate
description. While the
article was par for the
course, I particularly think
it was the best-linked
article in the past year. If
you thought of all the links
yourself, you have my awe and
reverence. Of course,
if somebody else was
on link patrol that day, then
all the awe and reverence is
for them.

Ben Mazur
<bmazur@sev.org>

Awe and reverence are
cheerfully accepted! But no
masturbating.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Pornographic detournage of
child-oriented product equals
big laffs. South Park is the
only example of someone
intentionally making money
this way. Is the article
meant only as a series of
loosely connected thoughts
orbiting around this theme,
like an episode of
Connections, starring James
Burke? I hate that show.
What's with all the new Suck
writers, anyhow? It seems
like there's a new one every
week. They tend to have
stupid names too. No offense.

Demmy Rooster
<cmaan@julian.uwo.ca>

We can't all be named
Demmy.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

No, We Never Mention that
Word

Subject: No female Suck
readers??

Dear Sucklings,

I was shocked and chagrined
to read in the mail today
that you have no female
readers. Judging by the
vagina in my pants, we have a
serious problem. Perhaps a
cream or a salve will do the
trick, and I can melt back
into your demographic.

Signed,

Julie "Oh! That
Tingles!" Needler
<catgrrl@iname.com>

You have a vagina in your
pants? Get that thing out of
there! Do you know how
dangerous that can be?

That tingling isn't a good
sign either. Go straight to
your doctor and get some
antibiotics — and then
keep that thing locked up
where it belongs from now on.

Gynephobic,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler

Subject: Dibs on Calabria

Oh Polly! I had a
near-religious experience
with today's Filler. I have
heard the good news and the
scales have fallen from my
eyes. I just need to know
when — oh when, Lord
— will we bitter ones
inherit Southern Italy? I
mean, will I have to break my
lease? And will you have to
choose between Italy and the
South Pacific or will you be
allowed to divide your time?
What's a bitter slut to do?

Bitterly expectant,

Phineas X. Jones
<animus@ais.net>

I think I'll probably split
my time between the two
places. You know — a
house in the Italian
countryside, an estate in
Fiji. When I get sick of
penne and red wine, I'll go
back to breadfruit, bread
pudding, coconut
milkshakes, and green papaya
salad. Plus, you know, the
bitter people will probably
be complaining nonstop and
drinking too much, which gets
old after a while, and the
sluts will be all about
waxing versus electrolysis.

I'll have to move back and
forth a lot, but even then
we'll all have to be careful
not to get on each other's
nerves. Now and then we'll
imagine all the positive
thinkers and team players up
in Mongolia, tirelessly
collaborating to make a yurt,
and then we'll laugh heartily
and pour more wine.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

You told it like it was and
people got pissed. What can I
say? Although I was raised
(barely) Jewish and not
Catholic, I still must say
that I, at least, admire you
for being rude and
insensitive enough to run a
multi-episode diatribe
against the stupidity that is
organized religion on such a
public forum as the Internet.
Man, you don't know how
surprised I was that that
many religious people read
Suck. I thought it was all
heathens like us. I'm sure
you already know that there
has always been (and probably
always will be) an ongoing
war between those programmers
who are religious and
straightedge and those who
are potheads. Although the
war is nothing new, sometimes
the minor skirmishes can be
fucking hysterical. Take for
instance a recent little
battle that took place on, I
think, Slashdot, in which
one user asked his fellow
netizens how they fill that
"God-shaped hole" in their
lives. The responses included
casual sex, wanton violence,
and, of course, "Well, I
guess my God-shaped bong will
come in handy now!" Ah, the
pious may have God, but the
damned are a whole lot more
fun.

One last thing: I'm sure the
fact hasn't escaped you that
by making fun of those who
mailed you the first time,
all you're doing is asking,
no, begging them to mail you
a second time. Sooner or
later most of us (who may or
may not have jobs in the
print business) realize that
Oscar Wilde was right —
never fight a battle of wits
with the unarmed ... they
can't lose.

Ephraim Oshinsky
<oshinsky@webspan.net>

"God-shaped hole"! Oh yes. I
think I have a steak-shaped
hole in my life ever since I
cut back on red meat.

Disarming but not unarmed,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Polly,

One of the difficult things
about being a Christian is
that you must forgive those
who have harmed or insulted
you (you know, the turn the
other cheek thing). You can't
engage in snarky, callow
sarcasm or nihilistic
rhetorical flourishes. You
just have to forgive; so I
do, and I will pray for you
in the future. I know you'll
find that condescending as
hell, but that's not how it's
meant. I know the Lord has
guided me very closely and
carefully over the course of
the last two years (and
especially the last six
months), and everything I
have I owe to him — both
the obvious good and the
not-so-obvious. Peace be with
you.

Robert Anderson
<andersonr@hotmail.com>

Why has the Lord been guiding
you so closely and carefully
in these last six months? No
offense, but do you really
think that's the best use of
His time?

But thanks for praying for
me. Could you concentrate on
improving my social life ever
so slightly? I'm bored. Also,
I'd like to publish a book of
Filler in the near future,
and I'd like a really good
publisher. Maybe a good book
agent could help. Not a Good
Book agent, as in a Bible
thumper, but a book agent
who's good at his or her job.
Could you have Him look into
that for me?

While you're at it, thank God
for giving me the gift of
snarky, callow sarcasm, and
allowing me to use it
repeatedly, perhaps even
excessively.

And also with you,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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