for 27 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

If Barry McCaffrey were
actually conducting a war on
drugs, it would be a pathetic
failure. But the truth is,
there is no war on drugs. The
war is on personal freedom
and privacy. That war has
been a rousing success, with
protections against
unreasonable search and
seizure thoroughly gutted and
our First Amendment rights
now a means of
self-incrimination. The
government has no intention
of stopping the flow. If it
did, they would give everyone
who asked all the drugs they
wanted. Anyone who couldn't
say no to the really
dangerous stuff would be dead
in a week and the war would
be over. But they, like your
friendly, local right-to-life
group, are much more intent
on getting you used to the
idea that your body is the
property of the state.

Hooblemeister
<hooble@visuallink.com>

Dear Hooble,

All I can say is
Hooblemeister for Prez! I'm
confident you can beat Bob
Smith, the senatorial gasbag
from the granite state. What
is it I learned watching an
episode of All in the Family?
"The more you own, the more
you are owned." By that
logic, the more you smoke,
the more you are smoked.

Hell, I'm not going to argue
with you.

Your humble enema of the
state,

Mr. M

" ... the unwilling prisoners
of the stalag America has
shuffled toward becoming in
the War on Drugs ... "

I always think of it as gulag
America rather than stalag.
An economics professor just
voiced the obvious — that
US unemployment is by no
means as low as it's painted
because you have nearly 2
percent of your male
population in gaol, and
another 1.5 percent "looking
after" them.

And the other 96.5 percent
are paying for it —
through the nose.

Regards,

Dave Heasman

Dear Dave,

Righto, old chap. But what's
this gaol crap? Didn't we win
the war (after losing every
battle) to spell "jail" thusly?
Bloody hell, that Brit crap
just keeps on a comin'.

Jingoistically,

Mr. M

I hope you've got your stash
well hidden when they come
knocking on your door.

Stuart Gottesman
<sgottesman@about.com>

Dear Stuart,

Alas, your humble scribe is
high on life and life alone
(and whipped cream cans in
your grocer's dairy section).
So when they come for my
stash, they come pour moi.
Thankfully, my particular
high gives me the strength of
10 giant lizards and
invincibility from their puny
guns — what was that
noise?

Wanking Towards Bethlehem

Dear D.,

You may or may not be
interested to know that the
sole US comic strip available
in Iran, in the
English-language Tehran
Times, is (wait for this) ...
Nancy. When last viewed, she
and Sluggo were involved in
some version of Hercules
versus the Warrior Princess
— which characters are,
you may be very sure, totally
unknown to Iranian TV
viewers. The belief that the
United States is the Great
Satan is not as ill-founded
as some might prefer to
believe.

Alan Kornheiser

I like your analogy —
that Nancy is the great US
Satan. I guess that means
Iranian President Mohammad
Khatami is Sluggo and the
inevitable UN peace-keeping
forces are Aunt Fritzi.

Have you seen this latest Jar
Jar Binks–related piece?
It's so over-the-top I almost
suspected it was a parody of
the Falwell mind-set. But
after all, who cares? That's
entertainment!

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
news0899/jar.html

Eric Ekvall
<corpstratcom@cantv.net>

You'd be surprised how many
people sent me that link.

A bubblejet printer that uses
toner, huh? Well, I'll be
damned.

Sorry, I had to call you on that
one.

Scott Hobizal
<hobie-wan@mindless.com>

That's nothing. My laptop
runs on Flintstones vitamins.

Subject: Jar Jar

How about somebody realizing
Jar Jar Binks is the virtual
actor Stepin Fetchit,
brought back from the dead by
Jorge Lookus and those
shameless fiends at ILM?

Dave Oshel
<dcoshel@pobox.com>

Holy non sequitur, Batman!
On a related note — each
box of Honey Nut Cheerios
is fortified with 14 essential
coupons and special offers!

John,

I thoroughly enjoyed your
recent article "New
Adventures in Critterdom."
You're so funny. I'm
absolutely mystified by your
capacity for humorous wit.

Sincerely,

Becky Reid, covetous admirer

You are clearly a woman of
profound wisdom and
impeccable taste. Either
that or you're a woman of
searingly dry sarcasm. In
either case, you make me tingle
in special ways. For this
I thank you.

Someone Should Tell the Czar

Dear Mr. Mxyzptlk,

I enjoyed your piece on the
drug czar. Thanks for writing
it. I'm a legalization
activist and I really get
"fired up" when I read a good
article that just "shoves
their noses in it." Thanks
again. I'm gonna go write
a couple more emails now.

<lazlomd@bellatlantic.net>

Heyyyy Lazzzzlooo,

I got "fired up" reading your
response about getting "fired
up" reading. Thanks again.
I'm gonna "shove my nose in
it" and go write some more
emails myself (sniff, sniff,
hock ptui).

Mr. M

Based on your market
worldview, why not simply
make murder, rape, and
prostitution legal? Less
money would be spent on law
enforcement if the police had
fewer laws to enforce.

<sales@moxel.com>

Dear Sales,

Though my eyes are bloodshot
and every cell in my body is
stress-free (hey, without
chemicals, life itself would
be impossible), I can still
spot the flaw in your
argument a mile away. Last
time I checked, rape and
murder violate other
people's rights, whereas
taking drugs and shagging
pros don't. Still, if we
outlaw laws, only outlaws
will have laws.

Bowlin' alone,

Mr. M

The Shit

"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998 The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974 Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971 Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999 Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998 Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998 Request magazine (any issue after June 1999) On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964 The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998 Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Big Red soda