The Fish
for 20 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

How to Judge a Man by His CD

Dear Lie creators and women

The article on how to judge a
man on his cd collection fucking
sucks goat balls you guys or
girls don't have a fucking clue
about what you are talking
about stupid stupid stupid stupid.
I don't know if you have ever
heard of a little thing
called having an open mind
towards music and apreciating
musicianship and talent and
the respect given to an
artist. You people fill these
women's heads with these
fucking stupid THEORY's and
then men sit around wondering
why women are so complicated
when women are not that
complicated they are just
fucking blind sheep following
a hearder who is head to toe
full of shit and leading them
to a cliff of stupidity to
jump off of and get more
stupid THEORY's. You want to
write an article for women
here is one for you "how to
judge a guy for what kind of
person they are" or "shut
your fucking mouth and make
me a stake" or here's the
best one yet you should
really publish this one on
your page or ym or one of
those other lie spewing rag's
"who the fuck said men have
to pay for everything" or
"who said you could spend my
money and I can't spend yours
bitch: After all men and
women are equal right so get
off your fat lazy non cooking
ass and you clean the
gutter's" now that is a story
I can dig.


A guy who thinks whoever wrote
this article is a fuckin moron or

Now, truth be told, we get a
lot of letters that are quite
similar to yours. But few of
those letters not only
completely obliterate the
need for a response, but
pound home the points we'd
like to make with such
accuracy that any response we
did offer would seem
downright redundant. Thank
you for making our job so
much easier!

And, thank you for bringing so
many social problems to light
in one fell swoop!

You do have a calling! Ignore
the obvious signs that
indicate otherwise!



Fish With Letter Icon

Teens in Trouble

i fdont wany any more of your
suck fagit bull shit this
will be the warning you get

todd stockwell

Are you aware that other high
school students are now
routinely incarcerated for
sending messages like this?

Word to the wise.

Fish With Letter Icon


I was just in SF a few weeks
ago and picked up a few of
the local weeklies to read
about the "problem" of
yuppies moving into the city
and raising the property
values. My reaction then is
the same as my reaction now:

For decades our cities have
been suffering from white
flight and an eroding tax
base. Now the problem seems
to finally be reversing
itself and high-income people
and jobs are moving back to
the cities. Tax revenues are
rising, cities are safer and
more pleasant places to live
than they have been at any
point in our thirtysomething
lifetimes, and some people
see this as a bad thing?

Certain neighborhoods go in
and out of fashion as time
goes by. Where were all these
protestors of yuppie scum
when the real scum were
moving into middle-class
neighborhoods and forcing
decent families to move to
the suburbs? (Answer:
probably not even born yet.)
There will always be
low-rent, low-income
neighborhoods for
working-class people.
Sometimes people have to move
around a bit because their
street becomes too expensive.
Why is this worse than people
having to move because their
street becomes too dangerous?

I guess I have to conclude the
same thing that the SF Bay
concluded in its
article about the yuppie
protest march hoax: In San
Francisco (and the rest of
the United States), some
people will protest anything.

Jim Kasprzak
Summit, NJ

Good point — although your
"There will always be
low-rent, low-income
neighborhoods" sounds like an
unholy cross between Jesus
Christ Superstar
("There will
be poor always, pathetically
struggling, look at the good
things you've got!") and a
little "Let them eat cake"

It's perhaps more significant
to observe that some people
won't protest anything.

Getting our Bible from Andrew
Lloyd Webber and our big
ideas from reader mail,


Fish With Letter Icon
How to Judge a Man by His CD Collection

Don't get me wrong, I laughed
my ass off at the piece, but
just out of curiosity, are
there any CDs that don't say
negative things about their

Negatively yours,

Eric, the owner of Dave
Matthews' Crash

No, Eric. I'm afraid CDs alone
can't be expected to make up
for the many things your
personality obviously lacks.
It's only music, after all.

Fish With Letter Icon

Mr. Merline:

I am sure the female
population of the planet
appreciates your fueling
their snap judgments of their
partners/dates/drunken lays.
As a male, however, I am
wondering what CDs I can add
to my collection (or at
least prominently display)
in order that those snap
judgments be made in my

I would have picked one of
those that you have
"reviewed," but you seem to
have concentrated on titles
that represent red flags
instead of green lights.

Let me know,

Van from Atlanta

Many readers seem to have
mistaken this piece for a set
of record reviews. It is
not. It is simply an attempt
to provide some romantic
assistance for the single
female Suck readers of the
world (although, judging from
our email responses, it would
appear there are no female
Suck readers). As to the fact
that all our CDs indicated
undesirable men, all I can
say is you obviously haven't
talked to any single women

Fish With Letter Icon

Kudos on another
uninteresting, uninformative,
unentertaining, and just
plain poor job. Man, if this
is what I can expect now that
Ambrose has flown the coop, I
might just have to stop
reading — that is, if I
didn't enjoy watching Suck
fall to the level of Reader's
and the no-more-fat
diatribes in Cosmo. What,
pray tell, would happen in
these ca-razy '90s if the
man in question listened to
MP3s instead of CDs? Thanks
for another crap-tastic

Suck Hate Club member #234561

I think we all know what the
presence of MP3s would
indicate to any
discriminating female: This
is a person who, for some
reason, sends an email every
time he reads an article
online. This indicates two
things: 1) Said person truly
believes he could do better,
and 2) said person has never
written anything other than
snotty email messages in his
life and is clearly bitter
and jaded beyond his years.

Fish With Letter Icon

hey - lay off ssssstutterers
or I'll k-k-k-k-kick your ass


OK, next time we'll pick on
people who don't capitalize
their words or punctuate
their sentences. The sexual
implications of those traits
are frightening indeed.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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