The Fish
for 16 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

Press release:

Anti-American Weeks with ZYN!

Right in time for Independence
Day, ZYN!, the most popular
online German satire magazine
strikes hard again with the
Anti-American Weeks.
Available on the Web since
1993 (?), the e-zine ist
best known for tasteless
German satire, absurd humor,
and strange cartoons.
Although completely
noncommercial and free of
charge, it belongs with its
special mixture of extremely
sharp satire, unbelievably
absurd humor, and tabooless
sarkasm with the best German
e-zines on the Web.

The Anti-American Weeks
don't even try to be fair to
Germany's Big Brother on the
other side of the Atlantic.
But the many (nearly 20) ZYN!ics
are digging for stories as
long as it takes to get out
the funniest and worst sides
of America — even if
this means that the reader
only laughs about it with a
bitter grin.

The Anti-American Weeks with
ZYN! starts on 4 July 1999 and
continues for an unlimited
period, as long as it takes
for the first American cruise
missiles to bomb the world
famous ZYN! Tower


ZYN! Das Satiremagazin

Anti-American Weeks with ZYN!

About ZYN! Magazine (German)

ZYNergie, how and why ZYN!



We were all ready to get mad
about these Anti-American
pages until we got to this

"Sicher, die amerikanische
Weltherrschaft wirkt durch
Hip-Hop, Ronald McDonald und
Bill Clinton Etwas
entspannter als etwa eine

We were falling on the floor
laughing! Weltherrschaft!
Etwas entspannter!
you're killin' us! Who says
Germans don't know how to

Fish With Letter Icon

Scaling Mount Rushmore

In your column on Mount
Rushmore (5 July 1999), you
missed one important
alternate Rushmore: The one
in which the sacred peak of
Thunder Being Mountain has
been dynamite blasted into
the images of the leaders of
the people who stole the land
from its rightful caretakers.

Oh, wait, that's the one we
have now, isn't it?

Mount Rushmore is usually
portrayed as a monument to
the true spirit of America.
Unfortunately, it
memorializes greed, theft,
and slaughter. Is that the
true spirit of America?

If so, isn't it about time we

Kyle D. Long


Fish With Letter Icon

Sirs and Madames,

What? I went to college, I can
use a computer. I feel like I
just tried to follow a Dennis
Miller monolog after eating a
quarter pound of Northen

I look in the mirror now and
I see Kato.

Conrad Oakey

Try this: Be less stupid.

Just joking, man! Hey, nice

Fish With Letter Icon


So this is what you think the
Fourth is all about:

"... immigrant bashing,
fireworks mishaps, beer-
goggled, alfresco copulation
with distant cousins."

I fart in your general
direction! There isn't enough
beer in Minnesota for me to
have gotten my cousin Cindy
to take off her panties!
Shows how much you know.

Duane Bentzen

Your mother was a honey-baked
ham. Come on, buddy, we
overused that Monty Python
crap when we were 12.

Just joking, dude! Hey, nice

Etwas entspannter!

Fish With Letter Icon
Hit and Run

Dear Tim:

Have you actually read Turn
of the Century?
amusingly, have you read the
incredible hatchet job done
on it a week or so ago in The
New Republic?
Once again, we
find ourselves drafted into a
war we didn't know we were

Now, I kinda liked the book
and I think Lee Siegel, who
savaged it, is more wrong
than right in thinking it is
without real irony. Never
mind. It is a wonderfully
evil review and it contains a
truly great line. Save it, it
will come in handy some day:
"There is a protection in
self-knowingness against the
vulnerability of

Don't study it too hard or
you may have trouble getting
out of bed in the morning;
scary stuff.

Loved the interview. Got to
go now and stuff tinfoil
into the telephone jacks so
the Internet doesn't sneak
into the house while I'm

Alan S. Kornheiser


Lee Siegel's review seems
like a good opportunity to
remind ourselves of Kurt
Vonnegut's thesis that a
person who attacks a book is
like a man who wears a suit
of armor to attack a banana
split. Kurt Andersen's
literary offenses are two in
number: 1) He goes on too
long without creating a
narrative crisis, and 2) he
continually violates the
writing-workshop rule that
you should show the reader, not
tell the reader. (This second
fault is just the kind of
mischief that was bound to
occur once Tom Wolfe became a
benchmark of serious fiction
writing.) For my money,
neither of these offenses
seriously impedes enjoyment of
the book, but the New Republic
might have scored some
points by concentrating on
these issues rather than
making phony-baloney populist
pleas and going so laughably
ad hominem on the author.

You're right about that
knowingness aphorism, but the
split between
self-knowingness and
self-knowledge is pretty
clearly a main theme of the
book. You might not like the
way the author treats this
theme, or you might not like
the class of people who
puzzle over such a question,
but to slam Turn of the
on that basis alone
is like condemning The
Invisible Man
because you're
opposed to invisibility.

I'm also suspicious of any
reviewer who claims to be
speaking for "the rest of
us," we who are waiting "for
someone somewhere to
re-imagine for us the life
that we know we really are
living, away from the
computer, away from the movie
screen and the television
screen, away even from
money." Whoever these
hypothetical real Americans
are, let's face it — they
sure as hell ain't reading
The New Republic. Maybe Lee
Siegel is out there working
the truck stops and Elks
lodges, singing the real
America like some
book-reviewing Charles
Kuralt. But Turn of the
is a book about New
York yuppies. There are
certainly enough reasons to
despise yuppies that I don't
need to rehearse them here,
but again, objecting to their
inclusion in a book is like
objecting to The Island of
Dr. Moreau
because you oppose
metamorphosing men from
brutes that go on all fours.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Sure, it was clever, but I
still have to mop up this
vomit that clawed its way
out of my innards after
seeing your use of
<marv albert joke> </marv albert joke>.

You're soooo cool,


It's all just
overcompensation on our part
for our failed careers as
Catskills stand-up comedians.
The truth is, our first
drafts are inevitably filled
with schnorrer gags, jokes
about Ike's golf game, and
countless bits that end with
somebody yelling tochus. Be
thankful that we manage to
edit out as many of them as
we do.


Fish With Letter Icon

A fine, fine installment of
Hit and Run ... Yeah, talking
to you punks ... inbox every
... this may sound a bit
paranoid/delusional to a
certain ... I would like to
make note of my proper use of
commas as evidence that I am
more than sane as long as ...
the et cetera marks are
merely a way to make you
understand (if you are really
Suck ... yeah, right) that I
have a normal train of thought
that follows logical ...
I wonder if I leave my
fan in the window like that
during a storm it will catch
fire.... Wow, I wish I had
kids sorta, but ones who
would bathe my feet with ...
Bewitched was really a great
show with the first ... Man,
that Mr. Suck! guy, whoever
the fuck he is, is really
gonna get it for flooding my
in-freakin'-box with his
tripe and personal attacks
... wonder how many asses
Marv bit ... goddamn Net ...
that Finnish porn channel
should really drop the
magenta levels ... certain
parts are starting to look
like choice cut ... Maybe
I'll mindmail that Suck
muther and make my Web site
link to something titled
kickSUCKass and then it would
kick HIS ass and then he'd
stop sending this ... I bet
Camille Paglia would dig
me.... Must have been that
expired milk I drank.... If
he thinks he can pose as
"Polly" the angry bitch every
week, he's got another thing ...
I bet she wants me too ...
but other times, I find
the Christian Right extremely
appeal- ... an orange, an
apple, a pertater, need some
peanut butter, can't tell
'til later ... Looking
forward to your next
"email"... Suck!

Chauncey Billups

You said it, Chauncey!

Fish With Letter Icon

I believe I am being
controlled by the Internet.
Can I have some medication

Th. Bernardi

PS Dr. Pepper dosages were to
be administered at 10, 2, and

Is that 10, 2, and 4 thing
generally known about Dr.
Pepper? I'm so old that the
only thing I think of when
somebody mentions Dr. Pepper
is that guy in the vest who
dances around singing the Be
a Pepper song. But I suspect
I'm not the only one.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Apparently it never occurred
to you (or the good doctor)
that "the Internet" and "the
World Wide Web" might be ...
metaphors. There was a time
when I could count on your
writers to have read
Foucault. Or at the very
least to be pretentious
enough to reference Marshall
Mcluen instead of Sandra
Bullock. Give up.

Demmy Rooster

You're right. From now on
I'll instruct all the people
I interview that instead of
giving their own answers to
my questions, they should
tailor all responses to
please some putz who drops
McLuhan's name without
knowing how to spell it.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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