for 19 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Don't get me wrong, I laughed
my ass off at the piece, but
just out of curiosity, are
there any CDs that don't say
negative things about their
owner?

Negatively yours,

Eric, the owner of Dave
Matthews' Crash

No, Eric. I'm afraid CDs alone
can't be expected to make up
for the many things your
personality obviously lacks.
It's only music, after all.

Mr. Merline:

I am sure the female
population of the planet
appreciates your fueling
their snap judgments of their
partners/dates/drunken lays.
As a male, however, I am
wondering what CDs I can add
to my collection (or at
least prominently display)
in order that those snap
judgments be made in my
favor.

I would have picked one of
those that you have
"reviewed," but you seem to
have concentrated on titles
that represent red flags
instead of green lights.

Let me know,

Van from Atlanta

Many readers seem to have
mistaken this piece for a set
of record reviews. It is
not. It is simply an attempt
to provide some romantic
assistance for the single
female Suck readers of the
world (although, judging from
our email responses, it would
appear there are no female
Suck readers). As to the fact
that all our CDs indicated
undesirable men, all I can
say is you obviously haven't
talked to any single women
lately.

Kudos on another
uninteresting, uninformative,
unentertaining, and just
plain poor job. Man, if this
is what I can expect now that
Ambrose has flown the coop, I
might just have to stop
reading — that is, if I
didn't enjoy watching Suck
fall to the level of Reader's
Digest and the no-more-fat
diatribes in Cosmo. What,
pray tell, would happen in
these ca-razy '90s if the
man in question listened to
MP3s instead of CDs? Thanks
for another crap-tastic
article.

Suck Hate Club member #234561

I think we all know what the
presence of MP3s would
indicate to any
discriminating female: This
is a person who, for some
reason, sends an email every
time he reads an article
online. This indicates two
things: 1) Said person truly
believes he could do better,
and 2) said person has never
written anything other than
snotty email messages in his
life and is clearly bitter
and jaded beyond his years.

hey - lay off ssssstutterers
or I'll k-k-k-k-kick your ass

roberto

OK, next time we'll pick on
people who don't capitalize
their words or punctuate
their sentences. The sexual
implications of those traits
are frightening indeed.

Press release:

Anti-American Weeks with ZYN!
Magazine

Right in time for Independence
Day, ZYN!, the most popular
online German satire magazine
strikes hard again with the
Anti-American Weeks.
Available on the Web since
1993 (?), the e-zine ist
best known for tasteless
German satire, absurd humor,
and strange cartoons.
Although completely
noncommercial and free of
charge, it belongs with its
special mixture of extremely
sharp satire, unbelievably
absurd humor, and tabooless
sarkasm with the best German
e-zines on the Web.

The Anti-American Weeks
don't even try to be fair to
Germany's Big Brother on the
other side of the Atlantic.
But the many (nearly 20) ZYN!ics
are digging for stories as
long as it takes to get out
the funniest and worst sides
of America — even if
this means that the reader
only laughs about it with a
bitter grin.

The Anti-American Weeks with
ZYN! starts on 4 July 1999 and
continues for an unlimited
period, as long as it takes
for the first American cruise
missiles to bomb the world
famous ZYN! Tower

Links:

ZYN! Das Satiremagazin
www.zyn.de

Anti-American Weeks with ZYN!
www.zyn.de/antiamerika/

About ZYN! Magazine (German)
www.zyn.de/impressum/

ZYNergie, how and why ZYN!
works www.zyn.de/impressum/
zynergie.html

Bye,

Sammy
<sammy@zyn.de>

We were all ready to get mad
about these Anti-American
pages until we got to this
part:

"Sicher, die amerikanische
Weltherrschaft wirkt durch
Hip-Hop, Ronald McDonald und
Bill Clinton Etwas
entspannter als etwa eine
deutsche."

We were falling on the floor
laughing! Weltherrschaft!
Etwas entspannter! Stop,
you're killin' us! Who says
Germans don't know how to
laff?

Scaling Mount Rushmore

In your column on Mount
Rushmore (5 July 1999), you
missed one important
alternate Rushmore: The one
in which the sacred peak of
Thunder Being Mountain has
been dynamite blasted into
the images of the leaders of
the people who stole the land
from its rightful caretakers.

Oh, wait, that's the one we
have now, isn't it?

Mount Rushmore is usually
portrayed as a monument to
the true spirit of America.
Unfortunately, it
memorializes greed, theft,
and slaughter. Is that the
true spirit of America?

If so, isn't it about time we
changed?

Kyle D. Long
<kyle.d.long@usa.net>

Testify!

Sirs and Madames,

What? I went to college, I can
use a computer. I feel like I
just tried to follow a Dennis
Miller monolog after eating a
quarter pound of Northen
Lights.

I look in the mirror now and
I see Kato.

Conrad Oakey
<hirsute98@hotmail.com>

Try this: Be less stupid.

Just joking, man! Hey, nice
pants!

Hah!

So this is what you think the
Fourth is all about:

"... immigrant bashing,
fireworks mishaps, beer-
goggled, alfresco copulation
with distant cousins."

I fart in your general
direction! There isn't enough
beer in Minnesota for me to
have gotten my cousin Cindy
to take off her panties!
Shows how much you know.

Duane Bentzen
<DBentzen@gte.net>

Your mother was a honey-baked
ham. Come on, buddy, we
overused that Monty Python
crap when we were 12.

Just joking, dude! Hey, nice
panties!

Etwas entspannter!

The Shit

"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998 The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974 Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971 Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999 Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998 Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998 Request magazine (any issue after June 1999) On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964 The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998 Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Big Red soda