The Fish
for 2 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ten Years After: OJ Simpson,
2004

"... so fire up those cable
modems, folks, and get in the
game!"

You put that in there for
laughs, right?

Matt Horgan
<Matt.Horgan@sales.turner.com>

No, that was supposed to be
the poignant social
commentary part ...

St. Huck

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I'm just writing to say how
cool it is that you can
minimize the frame with the
banner ads ... just kidding.

Seriously, this illustration
and the rest of the comic
were the funniest fucking
things I've seen in ages. You
made my day.

18 June 1999

I would console you about the
hate mail you might expect to
receive, but I don't think
there's anyone but white
yuppies reading this stuff
anyway. ;)

Kelli Olson
<kelli@cdinet.com>

Does that mean you're a white
yuppie? If the answer's yes,
then why are you hiding the
ads?

St. Huck

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

How funny was that?

<Cableinsp@ aol.com>

I'd say funnier than those
Adam Sandler movie trailers
but not as funny as those
promos for the Jukka Brothers
...

St. Huck

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Little Rag, Little Knob

Sucksters,

After browsing your lively
little rag on company time, I
was struck by the number of
references to your neighbors
to the North. In addition to
outright attacks, you
actually manage to utilize
"Canadian" as a symbol of
everything that's gone wrong
in the world. After a
sufficient amount of reading,
the usage doesn't even seem
incongruous. It seems
perfectly natural.

But I felt that I should note
for you what might be causing
this friction with Canada.
Canada, you see, has a small
penis. The United States has
a massive, nuclear-powered,
armor-plated love shaft.
Britain has a respectable
enough tool, but absolutely
nobody wants to see it or be
reminded that it exists.
Canada, though, is
significantly under-endowed.
As a result of this, Canada
feels a need to draw
attention away from its
itty-bitty friend. This
results in raves about
Canada's superlative
educational system, universal
health care, clean streets,
and charmingly colloquial
vocabulary. Eh.

Regardless of whether or not
Canadians know more about
American history than
Americans do or how
invigorating a breath of
fresh Torontonian air may be,
the fact remains that there's
no pot of gold at the end of
the rainbow, if you know what
I mean. Ultimately, under
tribal law, Canada is the
bitch. Maybe it is the
biggest country in the world,
but it's still the bitch. All
of the progressive social
measures in the world will
not change the fact that, if
Canada went to prison, the
soap would be glued to the
shower floors.

What Canada needs to do is
get rid of its pussy-assed,
no-nukes policy, build up its
army, and plunge into a
conflict with little or no
regard for precedent,
history, or strategy. After
delivering a sound drubbing
to whichever dictator
deserves it, Canada will have
been given the international
relations equivalent of a
penis extension.

If peace between Canada and
the States is ever to exist, it
will come only when the Great
White North stops making a
beeline for the stall when
there are plenty of urinals
available.

Liam Black
<lblack@marlborough.ie>

While we applaud anyone's
disregard for precedent,
history, or strategy, we'd
hate to be condescending and
ungrateful to a nation that's
solely responsible for making
our international penis look
huge by comparison.

Ask any well-endowed man, and
he'll tell you it's always
helpful to have lots of
little wienies in close
proximity.

Little wienies,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Greetings,

I am a college student who
will graduate from Syracuse
University in August. I am
considering starting an
online business, but I don't
know if my idea is good
enough to succeed. Since you
are experienced Internet
users, could you please
offer your thoughts on
my idea?

My idea is to open an online
store that allows people to
purchase personal items from
the privacy of their homes. I
would then ship the items to
the customers in discreet
packages and maintain strict
confidentiality.

I think most folks would like
to purchase personal items in
private. By personal items I
mean [Ed: items not listed here
so that no one steals his
fabulous business plan]. I
have always been embarrassed
when purchasing some of these
items and I figure there have
to be many other folks that
feel the same way.

If you think this is a good
idea or you might use a Web
site like this, please reply
to this message. If you have
ANY suggestions, such as
what type of products I
should sell, please send me
the advice.

Thank you for your time.

Your idea is not good enough
to succeed. More important,
if you're stupid enough to
email us for business advice,
then you are not good enough
to succeed. Our advice? Give
up on success immediately.
You may hate us now, but
you'll thank us for this some
day.

Happy trails!

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Hit and Run

Although I was vaguely aware
that Suck still existed, I
hadn't bothered to check it
out for some time. But
recently I noticed the plug
on MediaGossip.com. You were
pretty interesting for about
15 or 20 minutes back in 1994
or '95 or whenever you
started (when you're old and
unhip like me, you can't
remember dates). But you're
not so interesting as part of
the Condé Nast empire.
You'd better hope Si doesn't
find out that he owns you. He
might shut you down.

Since I assume you at least
figured out that I was
writing about stand-alone
projects, I want to clue you
in on something you seem to
be unaware of. You thought I
should have mentioned the
Atlantic Unbound. Well, you
see, there's the print
magazine called the Atlantic
Monthly.
Perhaps you've heard
of it?

Dan Kennedy
The Boston Phoenix
<dkennedy@shore.net>

Hi Dan!

Slate is a stand-alone
project? Since you devoted a
paragraph to some kind of
conspiracy theory about why
Slate doesn't display well on
your Mac, I'm surprised to
learn that you think it's an
independent organization.
Then again, given the amount
of research you failed to do
for your article (more on
that below), it's probably
not so surprising.

As noted, your definition of
what kind of projects
you were writing about was
so vague and ill-thought-out
that we did not understand what
your categories were. The Atlantic
Unbound — like the online
component of Mother Jones,
many free weeklies, and a
host of other offline
publications — contains
enough content independent of
the magazine that any
fair-minded person would have
to place it under the rubric
of Web journalism. Granted,
doing so may make it harder
for deadline-pressed
columnists to generate
labored, hackneyed
lamentations about the
decline and fall of online
journalism, but since you
yourself name-checked
theatlantic.com in your
article, I don't think I have
to explain my reference to it
in Hit and Run.

You know, we almost never get
people damning us with that
"You were pretty interesting
for about 15 or 20 minutes
back when" insult. Somehow,
though, even in our
senescence, we continue to
get a healthy number of what
you blithely call "hits."
I'll leave it to you to
figure out how many hits we
get. I'll also leave it to
you to figure out whose
pockets we're in; sadly, Suck
has never been part of the
Condé Nast empire
(neither have HotWired nor
Wired News, both knowingly
name-dropped in your article).

Since both of these tasks
will require actual
reporting, you may not want
to take on the job.

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

God, that guy writes (or
overwrites) the only boring
column in what may be New
York's best paper. OK, so Rex
Reed is kind of simpy, but
Jesus, Ron Rosenbaum gives
stupidity a good name.
Because as smart as he is, he
takes years to make one
point. And then he belabors
that point another 10. Your
column got at his problem
with real grace. Thanks.

Jonathan Field
<jyf@ix.netcom.com>

Ron has really been testing
his readers' loyalty lately.
Dig his recent "banned from
Starbucks" column
. It's an
excellent article, but
observe how he cheats on the
details to strengthen his
case:

"It was at that point, Mr.
Schultz, when your manager
tried to accuse me of somehow
running a scam when all I
wanted was fresh beans
without hassle, that I
decided I wasn't going to
take it anymore. I was going
to make trouble. I wasn't
going to keep quiet about it.

"It was at this point that
your manager announced he was
banning me from the premises
for continuing to question
him."

Leaving alone the repetition
of "It was at this/that
point," you see that he
doesn't tell us how he made
trouble and refused to keep
quiet. Does he think this
information isn't relevant?
Consider how many ways there
are not to keep quiet. Did he
start bellowing, "Do you know
who I am? Do you know who I
am?"
Did he leap up on the
counter, whip out Mini-Ron,
and exclaim, "I'll take a
mouthful of your stale coffee
when you take a mouthful of
this!" Did he threaten to
stand in front of the store
and harass passersby with
aggressive interpretations of
Dylan's Basement Tapes? We
don't know, and it's a blot
on an otherwise fine column.
He needs to get back onto
that laborious, page-by-page
revision regimen. It's a
beautiful thing, the
destruction of words.

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

OK. Online journalism. Hit
and Run CLXXV ... ahem.

So I'm reading along, yeah,
Jerry's psychic interview
portal, Salon, Slate, OK,
interesting diss piece. Sad
to say, more interesting at
the time was Pavement's
"Stereo" off Brighten the
Corners,
which I was really
humming along with, loudly,
on my CD player app and my
new subwoofer computer
speakers, which are actually
pretty good, and as the song
progressed, I zoned out a
bit, singing,

"What about the voice of
Geddy Lee? How did it get so
high? I wonder if he speaks
like an ordinary guy? I know
him, and he does ... Then
you're my fact-checking cuz
..."

"SMASHING, BABY!"

(WHAT the FUCK?!?!?)

"SMASHING, BABY!"

"Focus on the quasar in the
mist the Kaiser has a cyst
..."

"SMASHING, BABY!"

Thanks for the banner ad for
Tunes.com at the bottom. I
slid my mouse unknowingly
over the ad, which unleashes
its Austin Powers blurb on a
regular basis. And since I
had my volume controls set up
with the CD volume set lower
than my wave file volume, I
got Mike Myers thrashing
through my speakers at about
120 decibels. Oof.

You know, when I'm reading
Newsweek or "traditional"
media journalism, I don't get
Austin Powers yelling
"SMASHING, BABY!" at me. I
don't know if that's good or
bad in a macro sense, but in
this micro sense, I could
have done without it. I know
I could make some other pithy
comment as to how this
episode is an example of
SOMETHING about online media,
but "Date with Ikea" is
building now, so I gotta go.
Damn, is that Tom Petty?

Dazed and confused,

J in SoCa

Your problem isn't the Austin
Powers
ad, Joe. It's that you
take song lyrics seriously
enough to type them out in an
email to people who are just
looking for a chance to make
fun of you.

Never listening to the words,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hey Sucksters ...

I need a jump in my traffic.
Right now I'm only getting a
few thousand hits a month
and, while that may be
impressive compared to the
average Web site, I'd like to
be on a level with Suck.

Feel free to jab at Enter
Stage Right
www.enterstageright.com in a
future column ... I'd prefer
kind words but I rather like
it when you take someone to
the woodshed.

Steve Martinovich, editor
Enter Stage Right

Okey-dokey:

There is a rare tropical
disease that gives its
victims such violent,
chronic, uncontrollable
diarrhea that eventually they
become dehydrated and die.
We'd rather get this disease
than look at your Web site.

Hope that helps,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Ms. Weir seems ripe for the
employment picking by the
public relations industry (if
she isn't a flack already). I
imagine she could sell a
whole lot o' Heads on a whole
lot of things, from
cause-marketed sweetened
beverages to compliance with
or indifference toward the
agenda of Monsanto or Dow
Chemical. And to think she
owes it all to Jerry. My god,
he'll never die ...

A dog returneth to his vomit
(Proverbs 21:11)

Michael Juhre
<mike@culturefreak.com>

But not to drugs, apparently.
It seems Jerry no longer
needs to get high up in his
new home at the Fillmore
North. I suppose that might
make for a deal with PFADFA,
but there are some places
even the Dead marketing
machine won't go.

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: How can I get in
touch with other Suck fans
for good times and maybe more?

I had a nice time raving it
all out about your census
piece
and got ample reaction
from your colleague Hans/Josh
(unbelievably good service!
thanks!).

Now a question brews up: Is
there anything like a
discussion forum on Suck? Of
course, there's The Fish
(cool!), but I would
appreciate more space for
reader input.

Finally, my compliments to
your approach to your
civilization (as a European,
I think you are a wonderful
source of anthropological
information: "Ah, another
interesting specimen of
United States Folklore").

Mathijs Beyer
<m.h.beyer@lcpl.nl>

Our devoted fan David Nicol
has a Suck fans' site:

http://suckfanclub.dhs.org/

He also operates a Suck fans'
Usenet group:

alt.fan.suckdotcom

Suck.com itself does not host
any discussion forums, and if
you saw the letters that
don't make it into The Fish,
you'd be grateful.

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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