The Fish
for 1 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

Although I was vaguely aware
that Suck still existed, I
hadn't bothered to check it
out for some time. But
recently I noticed the plug
on You were
pretty interesting for about
15 or 20 minutes back in 1994
or '95 or whenever you
started (when you're old and
unhip like me, you can't
remember dates). But you're
not so interesting as part of
the Condé Nast empire.
You'd better hope Si doesn't
find out that he owns you. He
might shut you down.

Since I assume you at least
figured out that I was
writing about stand-alone
projects, I want to clue you
in on something you seem to
be unaware of. You thought I
should have mentioned the
Atlantic Unbound. Well, you
see, there's the print
magazine called the Atlantic
Perhaps you've heard
of it?

Dan Kennedy
The Boston Phoenix

Hi Dan!

Slate is a stand-alone
project? Since you devoted a
paragraph to some kind of
conspiracy theory about why
Slate doesn't display well on
your Mac, I'm surprised to
learn that you think it's an
independent organization.
Then again, given the amount
of research you failed to do
for your article (more on
that below), it's probably
not so surprising.

As noted, your definition of
what kind of projects
you were writing about was
so vague and ill-thought-out
that we did not understand what
your categories were. The Atlantic
Unbound — like the online
component of Mother Jones,
many free weeklies, and a
host of other offline
publications — contains
enough content independent of
the magazine that any
fair-minded person would have
to place it under the rubric
of Web journalism. Granted,
doing so may make it harder
for deadline-pressed
columnists to generate
labored, hackneyed
lamentations about the
decline and fall of online
journalism, but since you
yourself name-checked in your
article, I don't think I have
to explain my reference to it
in Hit and Run.

You know, we almost never get
people damning us with that
"You were pretty interesting
for about 15 or 20 minutes
back when" insult. Somehow,
though, even in our
senescence, we continue to
get a healthy number of what
you blithely call "hits."
I'll leave it to you to
figure out how many hits we
get. I'll also leave it to
you to figure out whose
pockets we're in; sadly, Suck
has never been part of the
Condé Nast empire
(neither have HotWired nor
Wired News, both knowingly
name-dropped in your article).

Since both of these tasks
will require actual
reporting, you may not want
to take on the job.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

God, that guy writes (or
overwrites) the only boring
column in what may be New
York's best paper. OK, so Rex
Reed is kind of simpy, but
Jesus, Ron Rosenbaum gives
stupidity a good name.
Because as smart as he is, he
takes years to make one
point. And then he belabors
that point another 10. Your
column got at his problem
with real grace. Thanks.

Jonathan Field

Ron has really been testing
his readers' loyalty lately.
Dig his recent "banned from
Starbucks" column
. It's an
excellent article, but
observe how he cheats on the
details to strengthen his

"It was at that point, Mr.
Schultz, when your manager
tried to accuse me of somehow
running a scam when all I
wanted was fresh beans
without hassle, that I
decided I wasn't going to
take it anymore. I was going
to make trouble. I wasn't
going to keep quiet about it.

"It was at this point that
your manager announced he was
banning me from the premises
for continuing to question

Leaving alone the repetition
of "It was at this/that
point," you see that he
doesn't tell us how he made
trouble and refused to keep
quiet. Does he think this
information isn't relevant?
Consider how many ways there
are not to keep quiet. Did he
start bellowing, "Do you know
who I am? Do you know who I
Did he leap up on the
counter, whip out Mini-Ron,
and exclaim, "I'll take a
mouthful of your stale coffee
when you take a mouthful of
this!" Did he threaten to
stand in front of the store
and harass passersby with
aggressive interpretations of
Dylan's Basement Tapes? We
don't know, and it's a blot
on an otherwise fine column.
He needs to get back onto
that laborious, page-by-page
revision regimen. It's a
beautiful thing, the
destruction of words.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

OK. Online journalism. Hit
and Run CLXXV ... ahem.

So I'm reading along, yeah,
Jerry's psychic interview
portal, Salon, Slate, OK,
interesting diss piece. Sad
to say, more interesting at
the time was Pavement's
"Stereo" off Brighten the
which I was really
humming along with, loudly,
on my CD player app and my
new subwoofer computer
speakers, which are actually
pretty good, and as the song
progressed, I zoned out a
bit, singing,

"What about the voice of
Geddy Lee? How did it get so
high? I wonder if he speaks
like an ordinary guy? I know
him, and he does ... Then
you're my fact-checking cuz


(WHAT the FUCK?!?!?)


"Focus on the quasar in the
mist the Kaiser has a cyst


Thanks for the banner ad for at the bottom. I
slid my mouse unknowingly
over the ad, which unleashes
its Austin Powers blurb on a
regular basis. And since I
had my volume controls set up
with the CD volume set lower
than my wave file volume, I
got Mike Myers thrashing
through my speakers at about
120 decibels. Oof.

You know, when I'm reading
Newsweek or "traditional"
media journalism, I don't get
Austin Powers yelling
"SMASHING, BABY!" at me. I
don't know if that's good or
bad in a macro sense, but in
this micro sense, I could
have done without it. I know
I could make some other pithy
comment as to how this
episode is an example of
SOMETHING about online media,
but "Date with Ikea" is
building now, so I gotta go.
Damn, is that Tom Petty?

Dazed and confused,

J in SoCa

Your problem isn't the Austin
ad, Joe. It's that you
take song lyrics seriously
enough to type them out in an
email to people who are just
looking for a chance to make
fun of you.

Never listening to the words,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hey Sucksters ...

I need a jump in my traffic.
Right now I'm only getting a
few thousand hits a month
and, while that may be
impressive compared to the
average Web site, I'd like to
be on a level with Suck.

Feel free to jab at Enter
Stage Right in a
future column ... I'd prefer
kind words but I rather like
it when you take someone to
the woodshed.

Steve Martinovich, editor
Enter Stage Right


There is a rare tropical
disease that gives its
victims such violent,
chronic, uncontrollable
diarrhea that eventually they
become dehydrated and die.
We'd rather get this disease
than look at your Web site.

Hope that helps,


Fish With Letter Icon

Ms. Weir seems ripe for the
employment picking by the
public relations industry (if
she isn't a flack already). I
imagine she could sell a
whole lot o' Heads on a whole
lot of things, from
cause-marketed sweetened
beverages to compliance with
or indifference toward the
agenda of Monsanto or Dow
Chemical. And to think she
owes it all to Jerry. My god,
he'll never die ...

A dog returneth to his vomit
(Proverbs 21:11)

Michael Juhre

But not to drugs, apparently.
It seems Jerry no longer
needs to get high up in his
new home at the Fillmore
North. I suppose that might
make for a deal with PFADFA,
but there are some places
even the Dead marketing
machine won't go.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: How can I get in
touch with other Suck fans
for good times and maybe more?

I had a nice time raving it
all out about your census
and got ample reaction
from your colleague Hans/Josh
(unbelievably good service!

Now a question brews up: Is
there anything like a
discussion forum on Suck? Of
course, there's The Fish
(cool!), but I would
appreciate more space for
reader input.

Finally, my compliments to
your approach to your
civilization (as a European,
I think you are a wonderful
source of anthropological
information: "Ah, another
interesting specimen of
United States Folklore").

Mathijs Beyer

Our devoted fan David Nicol
has a Suck fans' site:

He also operates a Suck fans'
Usenet group: itself does not host
any discussion forums, and if
you saw the letters that
don't make it into The Fish,
you'd be grateful.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: hey jerk

I just read all the little
relationship/boy-girl fillers
that you wrote and wonder how
you think people fall in
love. or even more important
who these people are. are
they just blind to everything
that we see and understand.
or have they given up their
search. just curious.

Ben Garvin

Men to Avoid # 12: The

Wants: To make you feel small
by sticking the word "little" in
front of all things associated
with you.

Needs: Heavy doses of bemused

Mainly Concentrating On:
Whether or not you'll
understand that he avoids
capitalization and proper
punctuation because he thinks
grammar is totally "over."

Pros: He takes himself so
seriously that you can give
him shit about practically
everything. This makes him
very, very angry, which is
totally hilarious! It's
quick, easy fun for the whole

Cons: He takes himself so
seriously that he's duller
than Florida mud.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: It
took him three painful years
of being called "Starvin'
Blow Job Garvin" to figure
out what the hell his
nickname meant.



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Austin Powers Must

Hi Polly,

I hope that you are going to
write something scathing
about this Austin Powers hype
soon (after the movie's
advertising check to Suck
clears). The marketing was
vaguely funny at first but
now it just needs to stop.
The first movie sucked (no
pun intended). At least Star
had three pretty good
movies to justify the hype of
this latest one.



Dude. The Austin Powers
hype is better than the movie
itself. And don't tell me
the sight of Heather Graham
in that crocheted orange
thing didn't get you itching
to see it.

It's too bad they didn't just
hire a decent writer to write
in a halfway decent plot and
a few jokes that we didn't
see in the last one, because
with just one or two good,
new jokes, it would instantly
qualify as a timeless classic.
Why? Because Mike Myers as
Austin Powers is mesmerizingly
hilarious. Dispute this at
your own risk.



Fish With Letter Icon

I have yet to read one of
your Fillers that has failed
to make me roll around on the
floor with laughter (much to
my bosses' chagrin). Keep up
the good work and don't let
whatever is perpetually stuck
up your ass fall out!

Love and hugs,

Sean Munson

There's something perpetually
stuck up my ass? Oh my god!
No wonder I'm such a jerk!

My floors are really dirty.
Could I maybe invite you
over, dress you in polar
fleece, dip you in Murphy's
Oil Soap, and then show you
one of my Fillers? How long
do you generally roll around
on the floor? Your head isn't
by any chance thin and flat
enough to shove under my
couch, is it?

Leave your chagrined bosses
behind. I'll take you away
from all that and you can
come and work for me, Polly.
You could be one of Polly's
Angels. Do you have man
titties? Should we get you
seducing people? Or are you
more of a no-nonsense, Kate
Jackson type of guy?

Let me know and I'll see if
we have an opening in that

Your new daddy,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Books with breasts
on the cover.

So you're buying lesbian porn

I thought the upside of being
gay was that you always got
laid. Maybe it's not as good
to be a gay woman.

Talk to you later.

Till then, take care of
yourselves ... and each


We always take care of each
other here, Joe. You'd be
taken care of, too, if you
were an angel. I treat all my
angels with the utmost
respect and care.

Can you open beer bottles
with your teeth?

Just wondering,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, Carson! I really like
Korn! Could you play the new

D. B. Cooper

No, but you can choke on my
9-inch, blue-veined thumper.


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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