for 24 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

I haven't been to your site
in more than a year.

You guys are more lame than
ever. Even Saturday Night
Live will kill a gag after
three months. You guys are
still using your lame, Gen-X
bullshit, angst agenda to
drive your daily missives.

Gallagher gets more laughs
than you guys these days.

Brad Clawsie
<brad@yahoo-inc.com>

Ouch, man. Like, double ouch.
Thank God you didn't say,
"It's because your site is so
lame that now I only read The
Onion." That really would
have hurt.

BarTel

Whoa. That was lame. Really,
really lame.

Jon Grant
<chyld@elwha.evergreen.edu>

Well, we can't win 'em all.
In fact, we can't really win
any of 'em. Thanks for
pointing it out. We'll try
and make it less lame in the
future. By the way, Free
Mumia, Evergreen Boy.

Hey,

Liked the page. Kinda funny.
Not laugh-out-loud funny.
Cute. Laughing-inside kind of
thing. Anyway, do you know
Sven Oliver Shroeder? Didn't
think so. Grad student.
Harvard. Yup. On his page he
has a link to you. Yesterday
I wrote him. Asked how he
was. If he remembered me.
Wrote back that he didn't
know what the fu!! I was
talking about. Do you have
any idea why?

Thanks in advance.

<crumb@ix.netcom.com>

Sounds like he doesn't
remember you.

I live in Warren, Massachusetts,
and I go to a vocational school.
I am a senior. My best friend
got expelled because somebody
said he wanted to kill
somebody. The kid that said
something was mad at him
because he got with his
girlfriend. Next year we have
to wear badges and scan in
and out of class and the
building. I think this is
totally unnecessary.

Thank you for your time.

Melissa
<Fryd247365@aol.com>

When I was your age, I was
flogged for making an error
in my Greek verses. And not a
syntax error either. The
headmaster whacked my
posterior with a heavy
hornbook after I confused the
Attic and Hellenic styles.
But it was all worth it when
I became a 12th Form boy and
got a chance to mete out
some delicious bare-bottom
spankings to the underclassmen.

So you still have something to
look forward to. Ah, those
dear old school days!

BarTel

Your Web site is extremely
offensive. You are showing
absolutely no sense of
responsibility in publishing
this filth. Your actions and
the actions of those like
you will eventually result
in the public fully agreeing
to Web censorship.

Dori Baumwart
<dbaumwart@ryansinc.com>

No, Dori,

Ryan's Family Steak Houses
are the reason the public
fully agrees to Web
censorship. Lascivious
Internet images of juicy,
succulent steaks. Shameless
come-ons about how "hot" jobs
at Ryan's are. And now here
you are, wasting company time
reading Suck. When the boss
finds out, you'll be out on
your keister.

Subject: Lesley Visser

In your rendering of Lesley,
you forgot to include the
GIANT, jagged, hairspray fin
that protrudes from the side
of any Vissercoif, set in
motion by her chasing down
Elway for interviews.

Eileen Cannaday
<eileen@oven.com>

Nice! We've long been big
fans of that out-of-breath
look she gets, in her
hot-pink suit straight out of
the pages of Mademoiselle,
with matching hot-pink lipstick.

Committed to picking on the
weak and infirm,

Polly

Subject: Loser's Lounge

Dear Polly,

I have reservations to the
Loser's Lounge tribute to
ABBA this weekend. I was
hoping I could check you out
there instead of waiting for
you to appear in some media
profile. It's going to be
lots of fun.

Oh yeah, and in George some
DC twat said NYC is where men
know how to ask for dates. Do
you think that's true?

I'm sure you know how to respond.

James Harford
<jharford@weebotech.com>

Twat is an unsavory word.
Please remove it from your
limited vocabulary
immediately. I know that
won't leave you with many
word choices, but you have
to trust me on this one.

Anyway, I don't know how men
ask for dates in NYC, but I'm
pretty sure they don't say "I
was hoping I could check you
out there ..."

Breaking up is never easy, I
know, but I have to go,

Polly

That whole Filler was just an
excuse to take a cheap shot
at Karl Malone, wasn't it? As
a fan of Malone I can only
say, "How 'bout those Huskies?"

No longer your pal,

Rump
<RBerger@activision.com>

That whole Filler was just an
excuse to take a cheap shot
at Karl Malone. This whole letter
is another such excuse: How
'bout those Trailblazers?
How 'bout those Spurs? Not

that I care much now. As long
as the Jazz lose, I'm happy.

Happy,

Polly

What'll You Have?

My recent spying and buying
of my first Beer Frame
yesterday at Paul's CDs may
have nothing to do with the
fact that I am reading your
stuff again in Suck. That I
noticed a mention of Frank
Boscoe while guzzling said BF
may have everything to do
with the fact that I bussed
tables for Frank's wife
Michaela Dingle at the now
defunct Balcony.

BTW, the PBR me ASAP campaign
ran here, where the Midwest
starts — or ends — depending.

I have been enjoying
McSweeney's, Giant Robot,
Grand Royal, Suck, Salon, The
Baffler, Covert Action
Quarterly, Witness,
Boulevard, and a few photo
mags I won't delve into at
this juncture. I let my
Entertainment Weekly
subscription run out. Can you
recommend more?

Looking forward to your next issue.

Richard Engel
Pittsburgh, PA 15206

You make us sick. Please go away.

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art