The Fish
for 22 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Résumé du Jour

Subject: Sucking Up

To whom it may concern:

I have been an avid Suck
reader for about a year now.
Having just graduated from
Princeton, I am interested in
writing for Suck or learning
more about your involvement
with Wired.

For the past three years I
have written parodies and
satirical articles for
Princeton's Arts and Culture
weekly. I am hoping to
continue such writing for a
career. If we can't laugh at
everyone else, then we can
only laugh at ourselves.

Please reply with any
information on how I can Suck

(See résumé.)

Thank you very much,

Ari Weinberg

We're no longer involved with
Wired. We had an affair with
Wired Digital, and Wired got
pissed and left us for Condé
Nast. Then Lycos made Wired
Digital its little bitch, and
now we're Lycos' skanky
little ho by proxy.

Anyway, congratulations on
graduating from Princeton! We
hear Princeton is a really
excellent school!

Unfortunately, we're not
hiring at this time. But go
on laughing at yourself, Ari.
We'll be laughing right along
with you.

100 Percent Real Assholes,


Fish With Letter Icon

Free Fish

This is in response to the gentleman
who wrote, "Wake up, dumb
asses. Your freedom was
purchased with the so-called
[military] culture you
disparage ..." and so forth
in a recent letter to Suck.

It was my understanding that
my freedom was purchased by a
bunch of farmers and other
not-career-army, guerrilla
types a couple of hundred
years ago, but that might
just be my inaccurate, public-
school education talking.

I suppose I should be sending this
letter to <>,
but then I might have to have an
actual (if virtual) conversation
with someone whose views
differ from my own, and that
would be distastefully
un-American. It would be much
better all around to explain
my viewpoint to a
semi-anonymous third party,
even if said third party is
just a bunch of cranky essayists.

Rebecca Castonguay

Are we semi-anonymous to you,
Rebecca? Maybe you should
hang out more, have a few
drinks, get to know us.

If you did, you might find
out some interesting tidbits
about our backgrounds,
interests, hobbies, etc. For
example, in public school,
Mrs. Torraine taught us that
"some folk call Mongolia the
land of yurts and yogurts."
To this day, all we know
about Mongolia is that the
people there live in tents
and eat a lot of yogurt.

No wonder we're so cranky.


Fish With Letter Icon

Tall Dollars Today

Kudos on "Tall Dollars
Today." About a year ago, my
friends and I (students
ourselves) set out to capitalize
on the Net hype and start our
own Net business. Being young
and all, nobody gave us any
good, useful advice, but
people couldn't help asking
if we were going to be the
next Bill Gates and when
could they invest in our
company. But you truly hit
the mark: We (like a plethora
of other start-ups) haven't
made our millions yet, and
that even prompted one of my
customers to remark, "if
you're so good, how come you
haven't made as much money as
those kids who started
Yahoo!?" Oy ...

Dan Liebling

Well? How come you haven't
made as much money as those
kids who started Yahoo? Huh?
Huh? It's a perfectly good
question, one that deserves
an answer.

Don't expect us to comfort
your wussy ass if you can't
stand behind your own goddamn
business plan.

Fish With Letter Icon
Eye on the Ball


Nice work on your essay. I
agree: Major League Baseball
should own up completely to
its fans and to the general
public. Its organizers should
admit that they're sellouts,
not purist lovers of the
game, like the fans of any
other blue-collar sport.
After a while, the public
would get over the initial
shock of blatant advertising
and would return to the game
in droves. No one would care
that the pitcher's rubber was
brought to them by Trojan.

Unfortunately, you make your
point after a few hundred
words of clichéd
baseball bashing. Baseball is
slow!? Horrors! It's
corrupted by the populo
It can't hold your attention
like Sable?! Holy shit.

Buck O'Neil said, "You just
can't kill baseball 'cause
something always comes along
and brings it back. You got
the Black Sox scandal in
1919, and here comes Babe
Ruth bringin' it back. Then
there's another lull for a
while and here comes Jackie
Robinson."* To which I add:
You got 1994 (if baseball
could die it would have then)
and here come Mac and Sosa.

Baseball was not built for
television, and that is its
only nonendearing flaw. It is
accessible, historic,
memorable, and yes, yawn
inducing, but I'd take the
kind weed over crank any day.

Interviewer: How do you feel
about artificial grass?

Pitcher: Don't know. I never
smoked the stuff.*

*All quotes are from Ken
Burns' documentary.

High on minutiae,

N8 Fleming

Your little endearing love
letter to baseball puts you
up there with George Will on
our list of swell,
All-American guys with a
tender spot for nifty
traditions. But Nate, baby,
if it's not made for TV, it's
not made for a new generation
of Americans approaching the
challenges of a new

Shirking the challenges of
the new millennium,


Fish With Letter Icon

Eugen ...

"Baseball itself — the
actual playing of the game —
is so patently dull that
passions can only rise
over the compiling and
comparing of statistical
minutiae. Endless carping
over ancillary matters like
the designated hitter rule,
real grass versus fake, the
league's antitrust exemption,
whether or not the Commish is
a tool of team owners, league
restructuring, how Murdoch
could so blithely raise the
player salary bar above $100
million — anything is
more interesting than
actually watching the
pitches, the scratching, the
swings, the yawns, the
catches, the stretching, the
walks." (, 7 June

I have one thing to say to
you about this ... I don't
know what your personal
history is when it comes to
baseball, but our nation's
pastime is one of the most
exciting things to experience
in the first person. Indeed,
it is too bad that the issues
you mention above get more
publicity and public
attention, but "baseball
itself — the actual
playing of the game," is by
no means "so patently dull"!
As an avid baseball fan, I
have been to more than 30
games in my 19 years of
existence. I have seen games
where the final score was
24 to 6 and every other batter
had a base hit and an RBI.
The offensive duel is
definitely an exciting thing
to experience. However, I
have seen many a game where
the final score was 1 to 0 or
2 to 1, etc. Even when the
offense isn't explosive, the
defensive side of a game like
this is intriguing and
compelling. These are the
types of games where a Cy
Young–capable pitcher can
toss 16 strikeouts and stifle
a team's offense (i.e., Pedro
Martinez vs. Atlanta a few
nights ago). This is also the
type of game where the
defensive stars, the Gold
Glove contenders, shine.
Griffey Jr. makes a diving
catch in the gap to make the
third out and save the runner
on second from scoring ...
that's exciting!

Unfortunately, issues such as
arbitration, designated
hitter rules, and the like
have become seemingly more
important than the game. That
is the fault of two things:
the media and money. Whenever
money enters the picture, a
worthless story about
something that was
speculated will dominate the
front page. That really is
too bad.

Baseball is exciting when you
look beyond all of the issues.

Anyway, keep up the good work
with the columns. (I'll admit
it, your column about
baseball was amusing; I just
had to get this off of my mind.)



Uh. Wha — what?
What's that?

Oops. Sorry. We just nodded
off for a second there.

The media without the money,


Fish With Letter Icon

While I'm glad you don't
succumb to the "myth" of
baseball like so many of your
colleagues, while I'm gladder
still you see that the
McGwire/Sosa home run contest
did NOT single-handedly save
baseball, I still feel that
your entire view is
undermined by your lack of
appreciation for the sport
itself. Calling baseball
"dull" is worse than calling
it the "thinking man's
sport," as so many George
Will lovers feel the
incessant need to do.
Baseball is about patience
and timing and hot dogs and
the ability to get up from a
bleacher seat, grab a beer,
go to the men's room, and
return to your seat without
missing a lick of action.
Baseball is not about what
you think it is about —
which, after reading your
column twice, seems somewhere
out in left field.


Nice work! We were able to
get up from our desk, grab a
cup of coffee, go to the
bathroom, and return to our
desk and still catch your
crafty use of metaphor in the
last sentence.

Sporty spice,


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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