The Fish
for 7 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ad It Up

Banner ads ... First: At least
the print banner ads won't
keep flashing away like some
spastic Gameboy screen, just
out of the direct field of
view, screaming "Look at me!"
Seeing Web pages as the new
"print" media of the
millennium seems more like a
step back than a leap
forward. Lots of flashing
lights and crappy graphics
sound more like the '50s.
Second: At least Suck has
provided its readers with an
alternative. When, a few
years back, you added ads to
the side of your pages, you
noted that yellow stickies
could easily hide the ads
while you perused the text.
Now that your ads flash
merrily at the bottom of your
page, I can quickly squash
the frame down to hide the ad
as your page loads, thus
avoiding having to look at
the ad du jour. Hopefully the
people who pay you to display
their hideable nonsense won't
catch on. But, time moves on,
everyone wears clothes
covered with ads, PBS has
commercials, and the Brothers
Quay have done TV ads for
RoundUp. Oh well.

Neal Johnson

Call me a naive idealist, but
I truly believe that someday
soon we will all embrace our
sponsors wholeheartedly,
without a lot of hypocritical
posturing about the purity of
public and private space,
etc., etc. If anyone actually
was willing to bear the full
cost of ad-free media or
ad-free anything, really, it
would be a different story.
As long as we're not, I don't
really see the point of all
the valiant struggles in
which banner-hiders and other
self-styled ad-busters



Fish With Letter Icon

Don't tell anyone this, but
before the banner at the
bottom of your page loads, I
pull the bar down. Your site
is one of the few sites where
I can escape banners being
bandied about, brother!


Congratulations! Anyone who
hides the banners and then
writes to tell us about it is
immediately added to a
mailing list we make
available to the Web's most
diligent email marketers of
stock tips, phone-sex lines,
MLM programs, and wholesale
computer equipment. Hope you
take advantage of some of the
great deals that will soon be
coming your way.



Fish With Letter Icon

I always thought that whoever
places ads on Suck's site did
a pretty decent job, and I
was actually interested in
clicking on the Sharper Image
steamer ad. The thought of
operating a steamer cleaner
on the Web was just too much
for me to resist.

Of course, that was before I
realized this sound-and-
vision extravaganza
would cause my entire OS
to peel apart like the badly
cobbled-together afterthought
of a Suck reader letter.

Thank whatever crack(-addled)
Web shop put that one
together for giving my VM and
IE a thorough workout.


I'm sure they've already been
amply compensated by whoever
hired them. I don't recall
that banner myself, but
obviously they did a great
job of making you remember
the product.


Fish With Letter Icon

" ... you're also no doubt
partially absorbing the sales
messages from our beloved

Huh? What? Oh, that crap at
the top of the page that
rarely works, and I never
read. Today I saw some woman
and a broken link. (You know,
Netscape's funny "image not
found" icon?)

You may want to consider
renting out the space on the
side of your columns. You
know, between the banners for
Suck and Recent Suck, and
between the Directory ( "a
fish, a barrel, and a smoking
gun", etc.), the Suck: The
ad, and the icon for

There are feet of screen real
estate you haven't sold yet.


That space goes toward
subliminal advertising.
Thanks for noticing.


Fish With Letter Icon

Yo Huck-ster,

Kudos on the banner deal.
Absolutely. Banner ads
present both (a) a more
reality-based (hence
stronger) message forum for
the market segment, really
giving me what I, the
consumer, want/need from an
ad — i.e., a (God forbid)
fact about the product —
and little else; and (b) a
challenge to the actual
ability of marketing
personnel, driving them as it
does to really come up with
some kind of product
information, as opposed to
simply applying some randomly
conceived visual/aesthetic
item to the product at hand,
be it Cheez Balls or
accounting services; and
here endeth the world's
longest sentence. In keeping
with the
ideology, as a product
marketing professional, I
spend hours every week
wishing all I needed to do
was create banner ads rather
than the more involved
image/message-driven stuff
that takes up most of my
time. Additionally, we here
in Taiwan are chuckling over
the notion that that USA
rag may sell off a
small portion of its front
page as ad space. Both of our
English language newspapers
here, and you know who you
are, make a regular practice
of running an ad for
big-ticket product on the
entire bottom half of the
front page. It's OK; it keeps
one from lapsing into
childishly naive notions
about press impartiality.


I was always surprised at USA
's relative restraint,
because trade papers here,
like Variety, often just sell
the whole cover. And, you
know, probably one of the
reasons so many magazines are
having trouble getting
celebrities to appear on
their covers without making
tons of concessions is that
they're just giving away that
advertising for free — if
magazines made celebs pay for
the privilege of boosting their
latest movie/record/TV show,
maybe they'd get a little
more respect.


Fish With Letter Icon

Banner ads piss me off a lot
of the time, mostly because
they grab my attention
without me giving them
permission to do so. But
after they get my attention,
since I'm pissed at them, I
don't give them the
satisfaction of a solitary

Of course, the nice thing
about Suck is that I can grab
the bar at the bottom of the
screen and make the ads go
away. How do your advertisers
feel about that?

Ambition makes you look pretty

N8 Fleming

And all along I thought it was
bitter envy and
self-destructive sloth that
was responsible for my grim

In any case, we sell the sort
of banner-ad interactivity
you engage in as a value-add
to our sponsors. Thanks for
the extra effort; it nets
five extra bucks per thousand


Fish With Letter Icon
Hit & Run

The site, which referred to
the civilian version of the
vehicle in question, was
correct in calling it a
hummer but incorrect in not
capitalizing the "h" thusly:
Hummer. See:

The name HMMWV, commonly
known as a humvee, refers to
the military version only.

BTW, they're not just for
trillionaires (as you
mentioned) ... used ones go
for as little as
US$30,000 to $40,000, and you
can get a really good new one
starting at $70,000.



And they're really convenient
for the paved-street, city
driving their owners
overwhelmingly use them for.


Fish With Letter Icon

Why don't you get one thing
straight: A hummer is not a
blow job. It's when the
blower places the blowee's
balls in his or her mouth and
hums (or not).

Tom Keekley

Woo, you're right! That would
get us straight! Thanks for
the tip, Romeo!


Fish With Letter Icon

Humvee and Hummer are both
nicknames, so how can one be
more correct? Technically it
is called a HMMWV for High
Mobility, Multi-Wheeled
Vehicle. If you were never in
the military, how could you
know? Consider yourself lucky
in that respect.

Lloyd in Chicago

Well, there's no letter R in
HMMWV, so the nickname humvee
is more correct. End of
argument. A hummer is a
service that has no
connection to motorized
vehicles, though it is often
a convenient means of
front-seat relaxation.


Fish With Letter Icon

And here I thought I was
alone in refusing to see the
prequel Trilogy. I should
have expected as much
(little?) from you guys, but
it does cheer me to find
other people willing to take
a stand against a movie
described by one of my
friends as "Godzilla-bad."

I do have to admit, though,
that I think it would have
been fun to have shown up
opening night dressed as a
Klingon ...


Interestingly, "Godzilla-bad"
was exactly the phrase Suck's
own movie correspondent used
to describe the movie. Not to
be confused with
"Mothra-good," which is
shorthand for "a five-star


Fish With Letter Icon

I can't subscribe to
anymore due to your views on
gun control and your obvious
alliance with the NRA. Pity.
Your newsletter was otherwise
entertaining and

But hey, I'm with Rosie. It's
easier for a ________ (teen,
ex-con, mental patient,
postal worker) to get a gun
than a case of beer. We need
to find a way to weed out
irresponsible gun owners or
to make gun owners legally
responsible. I cannot support
an organization like yours
that doesn't feel this is
true and important.



How did you decipher all
those cryptic second
amendment references we've
been working into our text?
We especially like the one
the other day, when we
engineered our vexing
double-spaced text into an
acrostic reading: "Guns don't
kill people; Suck kills

But you blew our cover. We're
just a bunch of
gun-show-running Tom

Trying to figure out how to
reveal the Tetragammaton
without making a fuss,


Fish With Letter Icon

when things get so big that
they turn small subatomic all
my kindness is false and
everyone knows what i want
except those who do the
conclusion is the conjecture
to come and vice versa but i
can see why so many people
need the "vice versa" part
explained all the time ni the

Demmy Rooster

Pretty cosmic, Demmy. Say
three Hail Marys, and we'll
see you next week.

"Ni!" Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Ad It Up

"Instead of resorting to
dubiously effective 'image
campaigns,' wherein art
directors and copywriters
resort to flashy technique
and aesthetic opulence to
cover their ignorance of what
makes a particular product
valuable to its target
market, banner ads employ
good old-fashioned."

Good old-fashioned WHAT?

Bjorn Porn

Something must be wrong with
your browser. You should
downgrade to Netscape 3.0,
where all the sentences are
complete - at least when I
look at it.



Fish With Letter Icon

As cinemaphiles have their
day in the burgeoning DVD
universe, one can also see
the possibility of banner ads
running in the black spaces
above and below letterboxed
rental movies. Imagine
continuous studio previews
running simultaneously with
that stupid Jennifer Aniston
movie your girlfriend wants
you to watch with her. That's

Jason Linkins

Jason, you are not thinking
ambitiously enough. Why wait
for the letterboxed version
when banners could be running
on movie-theater prints as
well? Or is your girlfriend
always willing to settle for
a video?


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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