The Fish
for 3 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Dear Polly,

I am writing because today's
cartoon once again features
the Joey character. This is
puzzling and disconcerting.
Surely you realize that this
regular exposure in Filler
and nothing else keeps the
Duke of URL persona from
fading away into a state of
natural obscurity. I see
things this way: It is only
right that the Polly
character should make YOU
famous. You are the writer;
you deserve to be rewarded.
But Joey is the boss; he does
no work and should not,
therefore, receive the reward
of continuing fame. Are you,
by any chance, forced to
include the Joey character
into your story lines? It's
just not right.



Yes. Joey is just as mean as
his cartoon, and he makes me
include his worthless
character in most of my
otherwise brilliant columns.
Luckily, Terry also resents
that menace Joey and thus
draws him with an exaggerated

Feeling very very famous,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Is it just me, or is Terry
Colon not wearing pants on
his day off?

Alex Wills

Terry likes to vacation in
temperate and cosmopolitan
regions, where the locals are
far more sophisticated than
we. We urge him to at least
don a tinkle suit, but
there's no arguing with a man
who wants to let it all hang
out. Not that it's any
business of yours what Terry
doesn't do with his pants.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

I'm leaving the office for a
quick holiday, so I don't
have the time to dig for
facts, but isn't the hummer
the name of the nonmilitary
humvee? Just thought I'd ask.


Thanks for letting us know
you'll be out of the office.
Have a nice holiday.


Fish With Letter Icon

While I agree that "hummer"
should only refer to an
especially vocal and
liberating blow job, the
folks at AM General might
disagree with your comment
that the car's not called a

Richard Porter

We didn't accept New Coke,
and we certainly don't have
to take the silly names AM
General gives to its assault
vehicles. We'll call its cars
hummers when it gives us each
an Abrams tank.


Fish With Letter Icon

Hi Sucksters.

Thank you! Thank you! Oh my
God, thank you so much for
dishing out at least a tiny
sliver of ridicule that the
whole SUV craze deserves. Why
they couldn't come up with
these just before the oil
crises of the '70s is beyond
me, though. Nevertheless, I'm
glad we all get to live in a
GM exec's wet dream come
true. Looking at those "cool"
rides, it's easy to see how
the prom queen could confuse
a hummer with a humvee. I
guess that's the point,
right? First you get dad's
money, then you get the
humvee, then you get the

Kudos to Bauer's Limousine
Service for not giving you
the booze you wanted so
badly. I guess I shouldn't be
amazed that you were given
the hard line about the
alcohol, while your comment
about shooting threats
produced nary a blink.

As for the new Star Wars
movie, get a grip. Saying the
movie is for anyone other
than preteen males is like
China saying Kosovo is all
about Taiwan. Bitching that
the new Star Wars movie isn't
specifically designed for
(us) Gen-Xers makes you
sound like that other
self-absorbed generation.

Beep beep zip-dang!


We'll give you the benefit of
the doubt on this one, but
there's a central flaw in the
familiar argument, "Sure
there aren't any deep
meanings in the Star Wars
movies. But they're fun in a
childlike way. Enjoy them!"

The flaw is that the people
who make the argument are
exactly the same Star Wars fascists who
do take The Force seriously
and know the various
strength, dexterity, and
charisma levels of all the
action figures in the
universe and get a reverent
chill when Bill Moyers
discusses the theology of The
Jedi with Darth Lucas. The
ultimate example of this is
the near-universal conviction
that The Empire Strikes Back
is the best movie in the
series because it is
supposedly darker and edgier
than the others and probes
the characters' inner lives
and offers no end of
philosophical discourse.

It's the rest of us, who are
really just looking to be
entertained, who have a right
to bitch that the Star Wars
series fails to offer as much
enjoyment as Planet of the
or even Paulie or, for that
matter, Jingle All the Way
(another high-potential film
ruined by the presence of
pint-sized Jake Lloyd).

As for SUVs, they're a big
target. We prefer Land

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

I just got to say that you
guys at are kickin
ass. But theres something
that i wanna ask ya? First a
comment, you graphixs rock,
but you page is.......sucky.
Thats wher i come into play.
My name is Dan Strabley,
(stra-be-ly), im the CEO of
fox digital media, and since
i love you page i think it
ought to be better, so if
your interested give me a


dan strabley

fox digital media "welcome to
the future of smart design"

PS sory about the email
address our domain is not up

sory, Dan, we thought ya were
representin Fox, but when we
found out your not, we paid a
visit to Here's
what we found:

"The man responsible for
laying out Gridley - and
considered its founder - was
George Washington Kent.
Initially a surveyor for land,
agent Asahel Gridley of
Bloomington, Kent, along with
partner Thomas Carlisle,
purchased Section 4 of
Township 26, range 3, and
proceeded to form a town.
This occurred in 1856.

"In 1857, the first store in
the fledgling community was
established by James M.
Michell. In addition to
operating a general store, he
traded in land.

"Commercial aspects of
Gridley remained rooted in
and related to agriculture.
Shipping of grain was the
biggest generator of cash.
This was in turn spent in
local stores.

"Village fires that
devastated large areas were
not entirely uncommon at the
turn of the century. The same
fate befell Gridley on
Friday, May 3, 1901, with a
fury that left a sizable
share of the business
district in ashes with losses
exceeding $100,000.... Nearly
three-fourths of the
buildings between Third and
Fourth Streets adjacent to
the Center Street business
district were severely
affected by the fire and

"The aftermath of the Gridley
fire proved the real mettle
of Gridley's citizens. It was
at this time that strong
foundational values kept the
community going. Perseverance -
courage - charity - ingenuity
- thrift - vision - and hard
work coalesced to once again
allow the business district
to be put back together.

"In 1940, Gridley had a
thriving business district
with all buildings on Center
and Third Streets occupied.

"Today Gridley is a quiet
little village with
businesses spread throughout
town. Come visit Gridley,
where yesterday's small town
pride and friendliness are
still our values today."

So we won't be needin your
services, but for our next
vacation, we're gonna make it


Sucksters (suc-ke-sters)

Fish With Letter Icon


I've read ALL of your Filler.
ALL OF IT. And I'm still
hungry. What should I do with
my life?

Don McCasland

Are you sure you read all of
them? There are 150 of them,
you know. Check out the
Filler archive again to make
sure you've read them all.

Once you've done that, then
we'll tell you what to do
with the rest of your life.

But first you've got to show
us you're committed to going
the distance.

Retroactively proactive,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You are my

Dearest Polly,

Your bitter, dismissive
nature is all I want in a
woman. My unhealthy obsession
with you (I'm saving myself
for you, you know) has
rescued me from the painful
ordeal of dating and comforts
me during long, lonely nights
spent sitting alone in the
dark. You enrich my fantasy
life immeasurably with dreams
of being punched in the
stomach frequently and
without warning, being put to
shame and emasculated before
my peers, and having my
life's ambitions and desires
reduced to nothing beneath
the muted glare of your
disinterested contempt.

We've never met, and though
you may not realize it, you
are my guiding light. You are
my everything.

Best of all, I know that this
is forever; this cannot go
wrong. Unlike the other women
in my life, who've turned
sour and pushed me away, the
harder you push, the stronger
my appreciation for all that
you are grows.



I wonder why all those women
turned sour and pushed you
away. You seem like a
perfectly healthy, confident,
independent kinda guy to me.

Anyway, let me go fetch my
hobnail boots ...


Fish With Letter Icon

Finally, the Dalai Lama has
been exposed as the
philanderer we all know he
is. He and his "monks" with
their "benefit concerts!"
It's all about groupies and
backstage atmosphere.

DALAI: Hey, which of you
Beasties copped my blunt?
Cherise and Donna from the
front row wanna get high and
ask me questions about the
universe, and you bungs took
all my herbal inspiration.

BEASTIES: Yo, Dal, chill out.
Might wanna check Wyclef's
room. We gave up all drugs in
our search for inner peace.

DALAI: Yeah, whatever, lying,
toking assholes. C'mon girls,
I think I saw Scott Weiland
wandering around. He'll have
some shit. (Exit backstage

Ass pants, indeed!


Dude, you should write a
screenplay. Your dialogue is
so, like, natural! It's way


Fish With Letter Icon

For years I've been yearning
to see the term "ass pants"
used in the media. I guess
this counts. Thanks.

Your pal,


Suck is the beginning of the
end for your favorite
references. Soon Conan will
be referencing ass pants,
then South Park, and before
you know it, references to
ass pants will be as popular
with the mainstream media as
"raise the roof" or "what's
that all about?" or "check it
out" or "don't try to front"
or anything else you might
have been yearning for once,
decades ago.

Yearn while you can, baby.


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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