The Fish
for 24 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

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Special Guest Editor

 

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Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
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Production Manager
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Senior Editor

 

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Production Editor
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[Copy Edit]
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&
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Suck Alumni Text
 

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Co-Founder

 

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Executive Editor

 

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Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


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Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
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Production Manager

 

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Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

End of Regulation

Skinner,

Let's see. Olympic hockey.
Hmm. The USA Men's Team
knocked out with no medals
and a huge bar- and room-repair
tab. The USA Women's Hockey
Team: Them women came back to
this great land of ours with,
umm, oh yeah, the gold
fuckin' medal.

Take your Title IX and shove
it. Next time, do more
research before penning.
Maybe you'll accomplish more.

Not shocked to see
ignorance,
Nate Stinson
<nb1812@earthlink.net>

Sadly, ignorance - like sex -
sells. Thank goodness we're a
satirical webzine, so people
realize we often mean the
opposite of what we say. I
wish I could report that the
NHL on Fox is being replaced
by hot girl-on-girl hockey
action, but alas.

If we were a little less
goofy about it, we might have
said it like you said it,
which was right on. But
goofiness is right up there
with ignorance, in terms of
the demands of publishing.

Best regards,

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon

I must confess that this is the
first I've heard of hockey's
failure in the United States.
Here in Canada (where the
news of Gretzky's retirement
did indeed receive media
attention), there is a lot of
hand-wringing about the death
of the game (due largely to
the Canadian franchises'
inability to afford to
maintain competitive teams).
There is no small amount of
resentment toward the States
(more than usual, that is)
due to the fact that a
Canadian team has not won the
Stanley Cup in, what, five
years. Not to mention the
attempts at dumbing down the
game, which hardly seemed
possible until Fox invented
the "streaky puck."

What could have saved hockey
in the States? Maybe Don
Cherry, whose intermission
rants during Hockey Night on
Canadian broadcasts would
have been right at home on
Fox (or The Howard Stern
Show
).

Personally, I prefer baseball
- another sport losing its
grip in Canada - and
football. Not the CFL - Lord,
no - but real football, known
in North America as soccer
because a bunch of pussies in
armor have usurped the word.
If only that sport were on
the wane.

Scott Marshall
<superiorstudio@hotmail.com>

Oh, Scott - I feel your pain.

I must confess that the shock
of girls playing hockey was
nothing compared to the news
a few years back that my
beloved Minnesota North Stars
were moving to FUCKING
DALLAS, Texas. That's what's
really sick: All these
big-market, Sunbelt
franchises where they don't
know their zamboni from their
gelato.

On the other hand, aside from
your laudable enthusiasm for
soccer, I'm concerned about
your taste for baseball, a
purely American phenomenon.
I've forwarded your message
to Canadian Culture Minister
Sheila Copps, who may wish to
limit your access to
non-Canadian sports
programming.

Best regards,

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon

You are a waste of skin. You
should be shot and dragged
through the streets.

<nplst+@pitt.edu>

And they say civility has
broken down at the nation's
most respected universities!

Well, this is kind of the
point: an escalation in your
demands for entertainment.

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Hit & Run

"The discovery of Mount
Everest explorer George
Mallory has kicked the
community of Everest geeks
into a frenzy, with the
possibility that Mallory,
coiner of the 'Because it's
there' aphorism, may have
beaten Sir Edmund Hillary to
the top by some 29 years."

Actually, Hillary's Sherpa guide
is recognized among Sherpas
as the first man to the top.

I can't believe you'd miss a
chance to point that out.

Joe Garden
<j-garden1@nwu.edu>

The fact that Tenzing Norgay
conquered Everest with
Hillary was treated in the
Suck article on Krakauer,
which I linked to in Hit &
Run. I didn't feel like
belaboring the point,
especially since Norgay is
one of the most widely
credited uncredited people in
history. People fall all over
themselves in the rush to
point out that the English
guy shouldn't be taking the
glory from the Sherpa. Much
as I like the idea of
knocking the British in
particular and white people
in general, it was Hillary's
charter and his ambition to
get to the top. If it hadn't
been for rambunctious
Englishmen, nobody ever would
have reached the top of Mt.
Everest. How much difference
that would make in anybody's
life I'll leave for you to
decide.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Thanks for the press. It's
always rewarding when someone
truly (and I mean truly)
recognizes what a crapfest
our site is.

I have to tell you, though, I
wasn't too happy with the
interview they ran on
HeadHunter. They completely
cut out the part where I was
talking about my day job as a
Super Hero and all of my
Super Powers. It's like I'm
some kind of ordinary person
or something; the fools.

Sam Penguin Nerd in Charge
Tiny Penis, Ltd.

My dad used to own a bunch of
summer rental slums, and
every spring he'd Shanghai my
mom and all the kids into cleaning
out the mold, broken glass,
used prophylactics, "art,"
and human offal that each year's
tenants left in their wake
so that the places could be
fixed up for the next
season's wave of Main Line
Patrician college
ne'er-do-wells. My mom always
referred to the properties as
The Crap Houses, and when
the previous tenants had left
us a particularly awful mess,
she'd announce, "It's gonna
be a real crapfest this
week!"

Thanks for the memories,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Ratings Sweeper

I worked for Dr. David
Satcher, and this is the
second time you've unfairly
maligned him. He's an
intelligent African-American
doctor, a former dean of a
university, and a very
reasonable and levelheaded
surgeon general. At worst, his
plans are merely status quo
yet medically feasible and
socially workable. In the
last column you criticized
this member of the
military-related Public
Health Service for wearing a
uniform. Egads, do you
realize the Marine Corps does
as well? And it's not just them;
there's this government
agency called the Air Force,
and they do too. I'm beginning
to think that as a small child
your parents took you to a
public health conference, and
you were frightened by the
big surgeon general with his
red bulbous nose and his
balloon animals. Don't take
it out on every surgeon
general you meet, OK?

Don Smith
<dsmith@qrc.com>

Dear Dandy D.,

What can I tell you about my
childhood other than it
involved none of the
experiences that seem to
weigh so heavily -
suspiciously so - on your own
consciousness (or facsimile
thereof)? My previous piece
on the surgeon general
bestowed ample put-downs on
past holders of that position
in order to suggest nothing
personal in my animus against
the current wearer of the
uniform but, rather, contempt
for the very concept of a
public-health commandant
telling me what I can do with
my body. I've got at least
three voices that have a
discussion about that when it
comes up. Wherever there's a
fool in uniform, growing fat
off the taxpayers' dollar,
wherever someone other than
their parents or priests is
telling kids how to
masturbate, wherever someone
is scolding someone for
having pleasure, I'll be
there, fighting the good
fight.

Thanks for the tip about the
link between the military and
uniforms. Now I get it.

Mr. M. (cough cough)

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

So you basically hate
everyone, right?

Suck is an interesting and
seemingly endless array of
sarcastic quips. Perhaps in
the next column you write regarding
societal problems you would
like to place your solution
to the problem in question on
the table. This would give
others the opportunity to
wax poetic in sarcastic prose
about your ideas as you
do about everyone else's efforts.

Very unimpressive.

Have a good one,

Steve Suranie
<steve_suranie@42interactive.com>

Dear Steve,

Thanks. But how do you really
feel? Indeed, I was remiss in
not posing my particular
solution to the "societal
problem" of Stanley Kubrick
films. Luckily, that one has
pretty much taken care of
itself without any proactive
response.

As the song at the end of Dr.
Strangelove
puts it, we'll
meet again. And for the
record, I LOVE everyone -
even the little people
(especially the little
people).

Mr. M.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Ignore the
adjectives ...

... and you have the facts. I
don't necessarily disagree
with you on ratings, but to
argue that "no causal linkage
between media and violent
behavior has been
established" is simply wrong.
Don't believe me? Wade into
the jargon below:

"Factors moderating the
effect of televised
aggression on viewer
behavior.

Some researchers and
theorists still question the
existence of a link between
televised aggression and
aggression by viewers of
televised aggression, but
most quantitative reviews of
the literature have reported
overall positive linear
relationships. Using basic
learning theory, a sample of
correlational studies, and a
meta-analytic strategy, this
article posits ..."

(Article title omitted to
avoid getting most of our
readers fired for napping at
work.)

Alex Berenson
<aberenson@thestreet.com>

Dear Alex,

I'll ignore the adjectives if
you'll ignore the nouns. When
I drink whiskey, I drink
whiskey; when I say causal, I
mean causal. There is a
well-established and widely
accepted correlation between
"more aggressive" kids and
their interest in "more
aggressive" TV shows (the
quote marks are not simply
cute here - these things are
defined in bizarre ways that
call attention to their
construction). That is,
more aggressive kids like to
watch more aggressive TV, a
relationship that falls into
the "duh" category for
obviousness. The standard
range is that between 1
percent and 10 percent of
variation in aggression can
be explained via TV watching
habits. That's not nothing, but
it's not a lot either. However,
very few researchers seriously
claim that watching causes kids to
go aggressive. (I might add
that what gets called
"aggressive" in lab settings
hardly translates neatly into
criminal violence in a high
school classroom.)

Professorially yours,

Mr. M.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Hooray for
Milosevic!

The Suck party line about the
Kosovo bombings is very
upsetting. Ambrose has done
the most to parlay his "Why
didn't we do anything in
Rwanda?" feeling into a "Let
the Kosovars die while we sit
and watch" position, but I
noticed a couple of comments
in your piece today that were
equally infuriating. You're angry
that we've bombed Serbia "back
into the Stone Age," and you
make some passing comment about
destroying pornography like
"so many Serbian villages."
Let me tell you that when the
smoke clears and the Serbs
have happily disenfranchised,
raped, and murdered like so many
Tutsis, the Kosovars are
going to appear much more
deserving of pity than the
Serbs. For every Serbian
casualty in this conflict,
there are 100 of his
countrymen who have used
atrocity to advance their
careers in civil, military,
and academic service. They're
evil in a banal way, but
they're still evil. And
they're going to get away
with it. As soon as Phillip
Gourevitch writes a book
about it, you and Ambrose are
going to wish we had acted
more quickly and more
effectively.

Why stop at flip comments?
You should act on how
you feel. Catch a flight
to Washington and give
Tom DeLay and Trent Lott
big high-fives for their
brave and moral approach
to international diplomacy.
Tell Jesse Jackson and Pat
Buchanan that you think
they're right to endorse
internment camps, forced
expatriation, and systematic
rape. Maybe there are still
some sweet government posts
available for you in Pristina,
if you have time to learn
Serbian. (Don't bother with
Albanian, it hasn't been the
official language for a while.)

Disappointedly,

Anson Lang
<alang@randomhouse.com>

Comrade Anson,

You'll be surprised to learn
that Suck does not have a
party line or even, in my
experience, any parties at
all (though I may be kept in
the dark about the latter, as
I have a tendency to ruin
such gatherings with offensive
language and odors). Suffice
it to say that Milosevic is a
piece of shit. Whether that
necessitates US military
involvement - i.e., you, your
father/mother, or your
children (even or perhaps
especially the illegitimate
ones) being sent there to
kill other people - is
another matter wholly.

Mr. M.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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