The Fish
for 20 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

Lemme see if I got this
straight: You publish a site
that is terribly laid out:
It's like three or four words
across in a very narrow
column, which readers have to
scroll through laboriously to
read the little nuggets of
wisdom you produce. I send
you a private satirical email
pointing out the design
flaws, and you publish this:

"It's not so much the site's
unfriendly design that
puzzles us; after all, the
Web is still crawling with
incompetent 'professional Web
designers' who are still
foisting their lousy wares on
an unsuspecting public.
What's odd is the way Tiny
Penis honcho Ryan Seabury
feels the need to moon about
his manly and menacing
site-building skills."

The "incompetent
'professional Web designers'"
links to my site, and the
"lousy wares" links to one of
my customer's sites, even
though you were apparently
talking about some sort of
gay porno site. And you have
the gall to imply that I'm
incompetent! Sheeesh! And
then you also ripped off a
copyrighted graphic I
designed for my customer's
site! Are you guys looking
for a lawsuit or what?

What exactly do you consider
"incompetent" about my site?
And what exactly do you
consider "lousy" about my
customer's software (which I
am certain you have never
seen, much less used)?

Mike Ross
<mike@perq.com>

1) Two words, Mike:
background GIFs
2) As for that lawsuit, we're
willing to settle out of
court if you pay us for all
traffic referred to your site
from Suck.com and give us a
finder's fee when you sign a
customer who isn't related
to you.
3) There are no "private"
messages to Suck aliases,
though we will always honor
"not for publication" notices
or other requests for
secrecy. You provided neither
and thus were fair game.
4) Suck's layout was
considered spectacular and
bold when you still thought
the Web was something you put
on wounds to prevent
infection. Whether it has
since outlived its usefulness
is a topic for consideration,
but we find it helps bring
out the maddening tediousness
of our prose. Reader comments
are appreciated if politely
phrased.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I followed your link to
Tinypenis.com, and it was
quite an amusing site. Best
of all were the Flash and the
advice column. I can't agree
with your negative review; I
think the site was designed
well. It sickened me whenever
I read the Netscape/Mac-lovin'
drivel you unexpectedly spouted.

"=] =]"
<extropist@hotmail.com>

Ordinarily, we'd never
respond to a person who signs
his or her name with
emoticons. I'm strongly
opposed to webmasters who
start out by berating readers
for not having up-to-date
browsers. My mother surfs the
Web, damn it, and I won't have
her being insulted for her
clunky software when she's
just trying to enjoy some
tiny penis.

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I started to read your Suck
page and found that you are
basically antiadult. You
will find yourself thinking
the same things when you have
kids ... get a clue and don't
encourage the use of guns,
drugs, or other damaging
behavior on your site.

Do us a favor and stop
putting up your messages.
Please do not reply; I know
reading a return message from
you won't be a fruitful use
of time.

Matthew Tessier
<tessier@clarkson.edu>

You're right. In 20 years
we'll have forgotten that
teenagers like to skip school
and get high. It'll help us
give the appropriately
puzzled responses when we
find out our kids aren't as
clueless as we are.

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Omiagus garfungiloops,

I noticed Suck finally
covered the LSD-in-the-coffee
incident, and what struck me
was the irony of the
situation: Educators
constantly assault students
with D.A.R.E. and other forms
of antidrug "education,"
claiming LSD can cause
flashbacks, brain damage,
Folger's crystals in your
spine, low sperm count,
three-headed children, etc.
Yet when a teacher is dosed,
the "authorities" say he'll
be fine and recover within a
day.

There's a moral to this story
but I'm too lazy to find it.

Floid the "Ooh, Green Gel!"
Wolverine
<kanowijj@clarkson.edu>

What struck me was this
teacher seems to have such a
stunted imagination that the
only effect of the Lysergic
Surprise was to give him
shortness of breath. Granted,
a vivid imagination is
probably not an important
skill for a high school
teacher, but heck, this guy
sounds like somebody who has
dreams about being asleep.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

It's nice to know that here
in the United States we can
still take time out of our
busy schedules to perpetuate
destructive stereotypes.
After all, black is the
archetypical color of evil,
so maybe all these kids are
bad. Sure, suspend them for
"not being sensitive," and
"talking about wearing trench
coats the next day." And then
order a bunch of those
peachy-keen masks from The
Wall.

Meanwhile, we cheerfully
endorse chucking 20-foot-long
pipe bombs at Serbian school
kids.

Reading all these "know your
enemy" things in the news
mags reminds me a lot of a
spread Time magazine ran
during World War II. It was
called "How to Tell a
Chinaman from a Jap" and
included neat-o diagrams of
facial structures and body
types.

All this just goes to show
that if you want a reaction,
don't bother killing little
Arkansas kids or inner city
gang members; go after the
bourgeoisie. What's another
dead black kid to Katie
Couric?

Poor enough to be suspended,

Nathan Fleming
<castleking@hotmail.com>

The first time I saw that
"How to Tell a Chinaman from
a Jap" chart was in second
grade, when I pored over an
illustrated history of World
War II. For years I really
thought there was something
to the principle that the
Chinese had round, jocular
cheeks and the Japanese had
evil, menacing eyebrows. It
wasn't until I got to high
school that I met a Chinese
kid who said even he couldn't
tell the difference based on
physiognomy alone.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Ramblings of a weird,
wired Gothic nerd.

Greetings, Sucksters!

As a high school student
(well, sort of a student) who
goes to a southeast Denver
school, I relate rather well
to your 6 May article. I
dress in black and nothing
but; I do not feel dignified
wearing white or pink, for
that matter. Was it just me,
or did that author you
referenced say he sometimes
wears a three-piece suit and
skirt? Bizarre. I used to
wear a black trench coat, but
not anymore. The day after
the shooting, DPS (Denver's
Publicly Screwed, as other
students like to lament)
cancelled school. That day,
one of Those Who Know Best
(the assistant principal or
something) called my mother
(my mother!) and said, "Your
son's name has been mentioned
as someone who wears this ...
uh ... sort of ... attire,"
and then he continued to say
that this "type of attire"
was not to be worn for my
"safety and welfare."

There are (were) 15 of us or
so at Thomas Jefferson High
School who wore trench coats,
and most of us were called.
There was one who wasn't; he
wore his coat and was sent
home. This made some of us
slightly angry. Never again
will we be able to wear such
attire.

Finally, the point: Those Who
Know Best are overreacting.
At our school, they locked
all the doors and posted
signs on them telling people
to use the main entrance. OK,
I guess I can see that. But
if the main entrance is the
only one used, students who
park in the student parking
lot have to walk around the
damn school whenever they are
going to or from their cars.
Then they closed the library,
where I used to go for my two
free periods (I'm not bitter,
oh no), and then they hired
several Rent-a-Cops to ask me
where I was going. I tried to
leave one time, and a
security guard screamed at
me, "Use the main entrance!"
While I walked there, another
guard asked me what I thought
I was doing. "Uh, I dunno,
trying to get the hell outta
here?" Then I finally reached
the main entrance, where I was
told that if I left I couldn't
come back in. In other words,
they have successfully turned a
school into the Fourth Reich.
I do not like making that
analogy, but who locks people
in and out of a (public)
school?

I'm glad to get that off my
chest. Thanks. Dylan must
write some wild program in
Win32 and then take a nap.
Yeah, a nap.

<gnikrab@excite.com>

Quit yer bellyachin', junior.
When I was your age, I walked
five miles to school and called
the security guards "Sir!"

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Have you had a bad
experience with nerdy teens?

Hello Sucksters (you again,
Bartel?),

I am amused, perplexed, and
offended (though not
necessarily in that order) by
your latest take on
teenagers. Though you seem to
ambiguously make a point that
perhaps the fallout from the
Colorado massacre has
resulted in a grossly
overblown and panicky
official crackdown on oddball
teens (a concession necessary
after the last Hit & Run,
which slammed these kids
indirectly but tangibly by
dissing Jon Katz), you then
sanction such an overreaction
with, I sense, an inadequate
amount of irony. Granted,
"to amuse, perplex, and
offend" is probably included
somewhere in the Suck
charter, but I prefer to be more
amused than offended whenever
it is not too much trouble.

Elizabeth Durack
<delphi@flash.net>

Elizabeth,

Message not understood.
Please resend in English.
Without split infinitives.

Yr pal,

Bartel

PS Does this mean Katz has
replaced Dick Clark as the
world's oldest teenager?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Yo, these school shootings
haven't been taking place
where the traditional
scapegoats have their
strongest foothold: the
lawless inner city. Weren't
we subjected to endless hours
of drivel from pundits about
how it was the decline of
family values, etc., that was
to blame for crack addiction?
In fact, it's the places with
the greatest amounts of
structure and (bleah) family
values that are getting shot
to pieces - Colorado, for
god's sake!

What is the intrepid solution
ushered in by a fed-up
society? Let's regulate more!

A big part of the reason I
felt so much (nonhomicidal)
rage toward my suburban alma
mater was that I was treated
not only as a child but as a
child with no rights
whatsoever. These
institutions that are
supposed to educate children
to participate in a democracy
are completely fascist, and
the student vote bears only
on what brand of mystery meat
the cafeteria serves up on
Fridays.

I'm not trying to put any
"oppressed" spin on the
shooters or the Shooting; it
was a bad thing - no argument.
But maybe, just maybe, the
buttoned-down, stuffed-shirt
atmosphere these fascists so
adore is contributing in part
to the problem.

Talk to you later; till then
take care of yourselves ...
and each other.

Joe!
<jhammerm@astro.ocis.temple.edu>

You got to vote on what
mystery meat they served?
What are you complaining
about?

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Fillerversary

Polly,

Congratulations on three
years of barbs, jabs, binge
drinking, and delightfully
cruel humor. I've been a
faithful reader for just a
few short months, but I feel I
know you already, mostly
because I spend every night
outside your window, drinking
coffee while you and the
rabbit hit the pipe. But I
digress.

When we reach such obvious
milestones in our lives as
third anniversaries, we not
only pause to reflect but
also to look ahead. What do
the next three years hold in
store for Filler? Is there a
romantic interest in the
works? Will the cops finally
catch up with you for the
bloody pig's heart you mailed
to that traffic court judge?
When are you and Terry going
to stop bickering and realize
how much you two kooky kids
love each other? The
anticipation hurts so good.

Fortunate that my gigantic
penis gives me the confidence
to send you this letter,

Ty Webb

Did you like it when I ashed
into your coffee the other
night? The rabbit and I got a
big kick out of that one.

It's hard, er, uh, difficult
to say what the future holds.
But with fans like you, who
needs friends? Ah-ha-ha.

Ahem.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Polly,

Filler is my favoritest
e-feature. I can't wait until
they make it into a movie so
I can stand in line for
months beforehand dressed
like you. Whenever I read
Filler, I am free from the
noise of the Information Age
for a few precious moments,
bathed in a claw-footed tub
of postmodern hip-poseur
spite.

Sometimes I even smirk
visibly for a second before
my eyes revert to their usual
flat affect. That frightens
the guards even more.

Penitentially yours,
Dan Winter #6212123
Joliet, Illinois

I like the image of you
sweating in line in a pastel
Charlie Brown sweater,
talking to the slightly
turgid, sweaty, goateed MIS
dude behind you about
postmodern hip this and
postmodern hip that in
Filler. It's nice that most
of my readers are so much
smarter than I am that they
think they can apply the
tools of New Criticism to
my body of work, thus
rendering it far more
meaningful than it was ever
meant to be.

Wow. Try applying a little
Freud to that last
sentence. Now I feel all
dirty and soiled.

But I like the spite in you.

Grouching towards Bethlehem,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Sniffle-up-a-bus

Snort, snuck, honk ...

Gosh, your third anniversary
column really made me cry!
I'm so touched by your
wonderful openness. It pried
open my own shell of
self-protectiveness and
defensive hostility to the
point where now I'm nothing
but a sodden puddle of wet
cotton and sticklike limbs.
It feels so real, so human,
so alive!

And now I fear that any more
would cause my little mental
house of cards to collapse
like a cheap travel umbrella.
Damn you, you've forced me to
reconfigure my
rationalization schemata. I
had all these carefully
chosen belief systems and
you've - sniff - you've just
eroded them all to the point
at which even I can no longer
suspend my disbelief!

Touched, bewildered, and
irritated,

Michael the Chider
<MCHIDER@intra.nida.nih.gov>

PS After this little episode
dries up like some Serengeti
watering hole during the dry
season, I'd like to see a
little more mendacious
bodaciousness, some kicks in
the shins to go along with
the eye gouging and the
Curly shuffle. Hell, I'd
even throw in some of these
free electrolysis coupons I
got with my Frequent
Bodywaxer club membership.

Sticklike limbs? You pussy.
Go get some limbs already.

And who chooses their belief
systems carefully anymore?
Don't be so old-fashioned.

Go Buddha, Go Buddha, Go
Buddha!

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hello.

If I praise your work, I'll
be maligned.

If I insult it, I'll be much
maligned.

If I tell you how wonderful I
am, I'll get shot down.

If I extend to you the same
kind of conscious
self-deprecation you exude
that makes us all feel so
good, you'll make fun of me
for being a pathetic loser.

Which, of course, I am.

I can't win! Give me a job.

Love,

Kittka
<sly@vivisect.org>

You're hired.

Just kidding. Loser.

Still more pathetic than
thou, trust me,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Polly,

I have seen you evolve and
grow before my very eyes. I
remember when you were the
new girl.

You know, you kind of look like
Samantha on Bewitched in the
early years.

Keep it up!

Eric Delisle
<edelisle@ulead.de>

More like Veronica on
Veronica's Closet. That's the
Kirstie Alley character with
the lame blonde streaks in
her hair. But I'm not big
like that, no matter how bent
Terry is on making it look
like I do nothing but sit
around watching talk TV and
scarfing down Gingeroos all
day.

I do have magical powers,
though, which, unlike
Samantha, I use to advance
the forces of evil.

Hello Cookie!

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: HAPPY FILLERVERSARY!

Hi Polly,

I'm a longtime fan, but I've
always felt too intimidated
by your vast intelligence and
rapierlike wit to write.
Empowered by your invitation
to say
hello/troubles/fuckoff, I can
finally fulfill my wildest
email fantasies and ask you
the burning question: Does
your face really come
straight out of your neck
like that? Wow!

Dustbot Robot
<burnt@the.satanic.org>

Thanks for saying hello.

Your Fuck You custard pie is
in the mail.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

What the fuck is with all the
white Rastafarianism around
here? I live in the mountains
of Vermont - the back hills
and dirt roads. Theres no reason
to piss off Mommy and Daddy
here. All of a sudden I've got
100 white Rastafarians in my
hood. Hey, I can dig Zionism
(the goal is to return to the
Palestinian homeland - so GO
already), I can dig being
Ethiopian (they're very dark
skinned, right?), I can dig
vegetarians (more meat for
me) but when a middle-class
white kid refuses to bathe
for five years, never combs
his hair, smells like rotten
patchouli, drives a smoking
van that burns oil so he can
save the planet, AND the
little fucker is gettin'
laid, I HAVE SOME SERIOUS
QUESTIONS!!!

Polly, Polly, Polly, what
does young pussy see in a guy
who can't kill his crabs
because, actually, like, it
wouldn't be kind, man? And
what is with people saying
"actually" all the fucking
time? It's like that word
replaced "duh" or "umm," and
people use it because the
verbal pause having four
syllibals (pardun the
spellin') sounds SOOO much
more intellectual, unless you
have to hear it a thousand
times a day. Now that I have
heightened your awareness of
it, it should drive you nuts
too.

Later, kid.

Sittin' on the porch with a
shotgun, waitin' for those
hippie fucks to try to sneak
on to my property to plant
wacky tobaccy,

Little Jimmy Melonballer
<melonbal@together.net>

I get the best mail in the
Suck mailbag, week after
week, no doubt about it.

Eat your hearts out, Ambrose
and Bartel! Fucking jerks.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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