The Fish
for 18 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Subject: Brownie Balls

Hi Polly,
Thanks for making hump day a
happy day! I find your
writing empowering and
inspiring. I am also a
violent bitch obsessed with
food and alcohol.

Last weekend, my best friend
came over with her boyfriend
for dinner and drinks. I made
double chocolate brownies
with chocolate chips for
dessert, with a side of
Godiva chocolate raspberry
truffle ice cream. My friend
was so looped from the
chocolate and beer that she
shared a shocking story
with the group.

She said when she was a
little girl she would take
freshly made brownies and
scrape off the crusty part.
She would then take the
remainder and roll it into a
ball that she would stick in
a plastic sandwich bag. She
longingly recalled how she
would nibble on her brownie
ball throughout the day. She
highly recommended this
delicacy, but I find it
disturbing. I mean, I drink
beer like water and sneak
truffles in between, but
nibbling on a brownie
ball? Shouldn't we draw
the line somewhere?

Erika Olson

Mushing food into a ball and
eating it throughout the day
is never OK, and coming out
of the closet with a history
of same is also not OK. As
in, I'm OK, you're not OK.

We do have to draw the line
somewhere, Erika. I'm
counting on you.


Fish With Letter Icon

You remind me of my love,
long gone and gone for much
longer on a business trip to
Europe, Asia, the
Subcontinent, and points in
between. Your gentle rage
consoles me.

Ahhh, the comfort of Filler.

Thank you,

Doug Broussard

You mean the tall blond guy
with the canister of whipped
cream? He's here with me.
He's been here for months
now. We've been turning on
the fan to simulate a bad
international phone
connection, and I've been
faking French and German and
Mandarin dialects to create
authentic foreign crowd
noises. Your "love" or
whatever is massaging my feet
as we speak, probably mere
blocks away from you. Hold
on.... What's that,
sugarlumps? Oh. He says to
tell you he was wrong, he's
not gay after all.

Say goodbye to comfortably
numb, buddy!

Enraged, but not gently,


Fish With Letter Icon


I think you're keen. I'm glad
you've made it to your third
anniversary, and although
I've never read anything
you've written I'm sure it
has all been pure gold. Like,
remember that one Filler
where you and that guy are
talking, and then all of a
sudden there's a pause, and
then you talk some more? Boy,
that must have been a good
one. Of course, my knowledge
of that particular Filler is
secondhand, as I heard some
homeless guy with a laptop
shouting and cursing about it
between his shrill cries for
"you evil bastards" to turn
off "this fucking thing
in my head."

Anyway, kudos to you. Good
luck on future endeavors, and
by the way, I'm into the
whole "dirty-mouthed goddess"
thing, and I've got a really
big penis (technically, it's
my boss) that I think you
might like. Or hate. Kinda
the same thing.



Penis? Dirty mouth? You need
a "goddess" who's priced to
move fast, friend. Consult
with your boss, and check out
the yellow pages under

Tell that homeless guy we
can't turn off the thing in
his head just yet. He's doing
too much good PR work for us
at this point.

Pausing for effect,


Fish With Letter Icon

There are only two reasons
why I get out of bed on

1) to read Filler
2) because
I have to "go" really really

Jake Denley

"Go"? Where, exactly, do you
have to "go"?

I can't get out of bed on
Wednesdays because the only
reason I can think of to get
out of bed is:

1) to read pathetic letters
from readers like you.

Just kidding. I love getting
mail. Why else would I ask
for it all the time? It's
sick how much I like it,
in fact. My love hasn't
faded after three years,
either, and the mail just
keeps getting better -
your particular letter


Fish With Letter Icon

I feel I was touched in a
place where I did not want to
be touched.

Randy Vickers

Exactly the effect I was
looking for.

Probing every pie,


Fish With Letter Icon

I used to think I had a crush
on you, so I started dating a
girl who reminds me of you:
bitter, sarcastic, angry.
We're miserable.

Much love,

David Fraser

Accept no substitute,

Actually, I can assure you,
I'm just as miserable if not
more miserable than you, and
I'd probably do an even
better job of making you
deeply unhappy.

Consider yourself blessed.


Fish With Letter Icon
Tail of the Tape

Subject: Another home
shopping reference.

Another one!!! AMAZING!!! We
watch that guy peddle Beanie
toys for about 15 minutes on
Sunday mornings just to get
psyched for the upcoming

Home shopping references are
makin' me love Suck even

Eric Meisberger

You are probably in the
minority; nonetheless, I will
try to include shop-at-home
references in as many essays
as possible. I also have
ideas about writing a longer
piece on that channel, so you
may get even more.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: 4 May 1999

How can you make reference to
"midget orgy porn" without
providing a link?

So sad.


Sorry, not fooled. I can tell
you already know where all
the midget orgy porn sites


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Thanx

Just wanted to take a moment
of my time, and yours, to
thank you for not providing a
link to midget orgy porn.


Response has been mixed on
this subject. Some were
disappointed in the lack of a
link. Others, who apparently
prefer the more traditional
values depicted in midget
monogamy porn, appreciated
our discretion.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Tail of the Tape

Great article, one of the
best in a while. Nice irony
and excellent use of "midget
orgy porn" for comedic
purpose. However, I think
there is one other
significant application of
ReplayTV you didn't address:
sports. Imagine if the darn
thing could just record
highlights or, for that
matter, just show the actual
action of a football game
without all the close-ups of
that human butterball, John
Madden. Something to look
forward to and certainly a
prospect that must have
advertisers in a tizzy. Then
again, people watch the Super
Bowl as much for the ads as
for the game, so maybe there
is no point here. Nice work

Bradley Messmer

But this has already been
invented, Bradley - it's
called SportsCenter - and
whatever it is Fox Sports
Network calls its version of
SportsCenter. Personally, I
don't think any machine could
distill the day's highlights
better than these
shows already do.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Tail of the Tape

The thing that bugs me about
ReplayTV isn't its current
limitations, but the way
Replay is promoting
it. The sales pitch from
its Web site proclaims:

"In a perfect world you could
turn on your television any
time you wanted and be
guaranteed that there would
be something great to
watch.... In a perfect world
you would be in complete
control of your television
viewing experience. Welcome
to the perfect world,"


"This is video-on-demand that
actually works."

I was intrigued and
investigated further to find
out what the catch was, as I
knew it couldn't be a true
video-on-demand system.

I wanna come home, turn on
the tube, and immediately
watch the sitcom I missed
earlier in the evening, or
that old episode of The
where Homer fishes
Henry Kissinger's glasses out
of the toilet - all WITHOUT
having to remember to program
something earlier in the day
and then wait until it's done

ReplayTV isn't
video-on-demand - it's an
improved VCRPlus system
paired with a transitory
DVD-RAM substitute.

Patrick Leffas

PS In all fairness, 28 hours
of recording time is pretty

You're right -
video-on-demand would be
nice. Especially if you could
access shows that weren't
currently being broadcast. As
long as all ReplayTV provides
is a more flexible way to
view what's already on, I
don't really see the point.
If there's ever a show I want
to watch that badly, it's
easy enough to catch sometime
during its broadcast cycle.


Fish With Letter Icon

St. Huck,

I think mom and pop will still
rush out and adopt ReplayTV,
seeing as they have the older
viewing model. And there's
always grandma, who has to
see her "stories."

Still, yeah, what about the
rest of us with the lazy,
deconstructed surf mode of
watching? I don't need to
extend the length of time I
watch - I need to shorten it.
I need something that slices,
dices, and prepackages my own
personalized viewing
experience. I need a filter,
damnit, not a recording
device. Filtering media takes
up so much of my mental
energy these days.

If you can convince somebody
to invent a thing that
analyzes the data coming in
from The Wall Street Journal,
The New York Times,
ESPN, Suck, Feed, PR
Newswire, and various random
kitschy media channels
depending on the day of the
week (Monday is for manga)
and then spits out some
condensed report of "the only
relevant stuff you need to
know," I will take up a
collection to pay you a
million bucks.

Please? For the good of
humanity? A bunch of us are
going to freak out with
massive attention deficit
disorder real soon (either
that or be mesmerized into
passivity like a bunch of
dumb sheep ... oh, wait -
maybe that's the idea).

Never mind. I'll just start
getting my info exclusively
from the Star and have done

Wesley Hall
Departments Editor
Game Developer magazine

That's a good idea - Slate is
doing a variant on it with
its Briefing section, but it
gives you no choice regarding
sources. And there are
various "personalized news"
services, but again, their
sources are limited mostly to
traditional newspapers.
Someone definitely ought to
capitalize on the failure of
these services to incorporate
the sort of sites you


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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