The Fish
for 13 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

[Brian Forsyth]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
and
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Filler

Polly,
Thank you, thank you. Every
Wednesday you remind me that
there is at least one thing
left in my life that I can
enjoy without large quantities
of hard drugs.

I live for Filler.

Yours,

Ross Balmer
<ross@tae1.demon.co.uk>

I pity you.

Could you please send those
large quantities of hard
drugs you aren't currently
using?

Thank you.

Mine,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hit & Run

Re: "We've never had such an
ample supply of Schadenfreude
for Big Media's blunders."

Oh, you haven't? Am I the
only one who remembers your
"damage joy" on 3 October
1995
over discovering that
Pathfinder's prototype of the
Netly News was accidentally a
public rip-off of the young Suck?

Jim Burrill
<jimburr@hotbot.com>

Yes, you are the only one who
remembers it.

Denying the past in order to
relive it,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Your site loads way toooooo
slowly. And isn't it great
that the ad banners come up
long before any real stuff?

Karen C.
<chinookgeo@aol.com>

What real stuff?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Katz gets enough undeserved
abuse over there at Slashdot
without you taking potshots
at him by request. He is
doing what he has set out to
do, which is to be the geek
liason to the real world - to
tell their stories. Beyond
that, you do a lot of people
a disservice in writing off
the testimonials of the
several thousand who flooded
him with stories of the
hell of their own school
days. And I am mystified as
to why you don't seem to
consider the Littleton
killers to have been
particularly alienated and
persecuted. I speak as
someone profoundly scarred
and emotionally and socially
crippled by having been an
outcast among outcasts all
through my school years. I
don't expect you to
understand the experience of
someone thus persecuted or
that reading Katz's articles
and the accompanying stories
touched a still very raw
nerve in me (and obviously in
a lot of other people). As I
read, I had tears running down
my face and was flashing back
to the brutality I suffered
in school, which to this day
haunts me. He doesn't have to
insert any elaborate
commentary into the issue; he
is doing a far greater
service by simply being an
advocate and then letting
people like me speak for
themselves. I have been
deeply fond of Jon Katz for a
long time, and he continues to
prove to me his compassion,
ethics, deep interest in his
subject matter, and, yes,
talent.

Elizabeth Durack
<delphi@flash.net>

Well, this is a you-can-
believe-me-or-your-own-
two-eyes issue. I keep
hearing about how rough poor
Dylan and Eric had it, and at
the same time, I keep seeing
the swingin' hillside pad, the
presentable prom date, the
capacious posse, and the host
of classmates who considered
themselves friends of the two
until the budding killers
themselves gave them the high
hat (with that sad sack
Brooks Brown being the most
frequent example). If this is
high school alienation and
persecution, I wish I could
have had some of it. I'll
accept Michael Carneal, the
little scrawnster who shot up
his Paducah, Kentucky, high
school, as a picked-on kid.
These two were just a couple
of spoiled pricks.

I also wouldn't feel too
sorry for Katz, who writes at
will (and at length) and
whose new book is selling
very nicely.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Hi Polly.

Today's Filler was by far the
best I have read in a long
time. I've just returned from
a week in New Orleans where I
grew up and I ran into
long-lost acquaintances
almost daily, each one worse
than the other. It's really
frightening what detailed
things people remember about
you even though they haven't
seen you in almost 10 years.

Thanks for providing some
highly intelligent and funny
humor. I look forward to it
every Wednesday.

The Summer
<summer@learnit.com>

Everyone at my high school
reunion remembered only my
utterly degraded antics, and
promptly forgot my many acts
of generosity and kindness -
generous acts like the time I
did a beer bong with two Goebels
in it, and then waited until I
was well past my friend's
mom's brand-new carpet to
throw up all over the place.
Or the time I held my
friend's hair back while she
leaned over the toilet crying
and saying she felt like she
was gonna die over and over
again until I begged her to
change the subject.

But you're never remembered
for your kind deeds, are you?
The world is filled with
thankless bastards.

Anyway, why am I telling you
this? I don't fucking know
you.

Bastard Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

So you're a faculty brat, eh?
It makes sense. The condition
seems to be marked by a
niggling sense of
superiority, offset by a
lifelong reality of poverty,
alienation, and recurring
flashbacks. You're not the
only one suffering from this
affliction, but fortunately
the cost to society is
minimal because people just
naturally ignore us. OK,
maybe they just ignore me.
Same difference.

Fuck you too,

Zoltan Magnifico Typhoon
<zoltan_magnifico_typhoon@yahoo.com>

Us, me, same difference? It
seems you may be having some
trouble with ego boundaries.
Perhaps your background is
taking even more of a toll on
your mental health than you
know.

I've found that a sense of
superiority not attached to
class or wealth is helpful in
terms of fostering
self-confidence without the
nihilism and self-destruction
and just all-around
repugnance of the
aristocracy. Plus, I grew up
with a natural aversion to
pseudo-intellectuals and
ism-heads, since it's those
who dream of being professors
and not actual professors who
run around boring the living
crap out of the rest of us
with their snarly
faux-academic one-upmanship.
Hell, I was so
anti-intellectual and
superior that I barely
thought it necessary to read.

Oh, but that was years ago.
Now I just can't stop
reading! Read, read, read -
that's all I do these days.

Fuck U. Class of '92,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Sometimes it's fun and
satisfying to read a Suck
column, like today. Other
days, I start to read
something like,

"Initial critiques of its
effort were somewhat
Kakutanian ..."

and I just have to move on.
It's early when I read Suck.
There's a cup of hot coffee
at my desk, I have a
hangover, I can see the day
shaping up nicely from the
window near my cubicle, etc.
I don't have the neural
intensity to sound out and
comprehend KA-KU-TA-NI-AN at
these times.

But then I read a column like
today's and I smile, my
headache pounds a little more
softly, and I feel a kind of
sickly-sweet bond with some
of the rest of the people in
the world, which is nice.

Thanks,

Kyle Byron

Well, that's what Filler is
all about: appealing to those
of you who drink too much and
don't like to think or read
big long words.

As today's letters have
evidenced nicely, I'm perfect
for the job.

But, um, that sickly-sweet
bond you feel? That's just
the remaining alcohol
coursing through your blood,
making you think deluded
thoughts, and sweating out
your palms, making you stink.

You stink.

Made uncomfortable by
sickly-sweet bonds thanks to
years of unspeakable
emotional abuse (such as not
being given a moped like the
cool kids at junior high
school, which easily could've
driven me to violence if it
weren't for the fact that I
wasn't a fucking psychotic
asshole),

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Polly,

I love your work. I am
wondering if you are an
intelligent and beautiful
woman or if you are just
intelligent but not a
beautiful woman. It's hard to
tell from the cartoon that
represents you. Sometimes I
think you use your work to
get back at those who hurt
you, especially men. Is this
true?

Just someone who appreciates
your work,

BrainPlug
<brainplug@yahoo.com>

Ah yes. Woman can only be
bitter because she isn't
beautiful or because she was
hurt by man.

I'm glad you can still
appreciate my work without
knowing the answers to these
very important
question-assumptions of
yours.

Time to pull out that brain
plug, eh?

Hurts so good,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I just noticed something
eerie:

1. Filler is published on
Wednesdays.
2. The Web Onion
is published on Wednesdays.
3. Your Filler character
always wears a sweater.
4.This week's Web Onion has the
sidebar teaser "Sweater
Nice."

What do you think, can I quit
my day job now?

Phil Kos
<pkos@seanet.com>

Only if they pay geniuses
just for being geniuses,
which I know all too well
they don't.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Questions for Polly

Hi to she who inhales through
pursed lips.

Polly, you finally managed to
write a column I could truly
relate to subjectwise, and
that also didn't make me
laugh! To this end I have two
questions for you and the
following observations, which
you made very apparent: You
1) are more immature than I
believed, and 2) think locked
in a young woman's
perspective.

First of all, your total lack
of sensitivity with respect
to the subject of the past
clearly showed you have
become an emotional "wedge of
burnt toast," indicating,
IMHO, that although you go to
great lengths to appear
mature and worldly in your
attitudes, alas, you are a
still a young and vulnerable
woman with either a) NO past
(you're still trying to get a
life), or b) a past you'd
personally prefer to forget
(if only you could get your
hands on those negatives,
eh?).

Second, your multiple choice
answer, "d) Lots of
incredibly attractive,
intelligent friends who might
like to give you a blow job
occasionally," to the
question what does your
long-lost acquaintance have,
clearly is a sexist statement
that in all likelihood could
only have been made by a
woman. Why do you assume a
blow job is the end-all
desire of most men any more
than cunnilingus would be for
most women? Would it have not
been better simply to have
used the term "oral sex"
here, or, is it possible the
incredibly firm-assed "bitch"
Polly has a problem with
performing fellatio?

Which is it Polly?

I say these things only
because I notice that as the
aging process has started to
accelerate this last year or
so (I turn a young 43 next
September) and I can begin to
feel death's icy fingers
tightening his grip on my
pencil neck, I have made a
concerted effort to get back
in touch with those special
folks we once called
"friends," and I have
observed this has been a good
and positive experience for
both me and said
acquaintances. I will admit I
am currently living in
Germany, so the chance of me
dropping in around dinner
time or for cocktails is a
low threat. But I have come
to the conclusion that we all
need more love and
compassion, not only sarcasm
and negative vibes.

Signed,

Don (a fan of Suck)

I appreciate your compliment
on my immaturity. I don't
mean to brag, but people
often tell me I'm more
immature than they thought. I
guess until I feel death's
icy fingers tightening his
grip on my pretty young neck
I'll remain blissfully
insensitive.

But who knows? Maybe one day
I'll come to terms with my
hideous past and suddenly
I'll find no humor in jokes
about blow jobs - instead
I'll make grave
gender-neutral observations
about love, compassion, and
the gender-neutral joys of
oral sex.

Until then, suck my dick.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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