The Fish
for 6 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run


This is just a small and
insignificant tidbit, but
here it is:

I'm not sure I remember
hearing anything about the
"apparently fictitious Ann
Wells of the Los Angeles
," but if it helps, Anne
Welles (with that spelling)
is the main character in
Jacqueline Susann's Valley of
the Dolls.

"If a parsley farmer is sued,
do they garnish his wages?"
- Dennis Miller

J. A. Cohn

Thanks, J. A., but we're only
interested in Russ Meyer and
Roger Ebert's Beyond the
Valley of the Dolls.


Fish With Letter Icon

SWAT - snipers without any

Do they ever take any risks
to save lives?


Do you?


Fish With Letter Icon

Someone told me there was a
link to my page on yours, so
I went and looked and there
it was. You linked to part of
my lyrics page. I was just
wondering if there was any
reason you picked mine. I've
been getting a lot of crap
thrown in my direction, as I
have tattoos and piercings
and wear a trench coat. Just
wondering if that had
anything to do with it.

Joshua D. Cohen

Why can't you kids listen to
grunge and do the twist at
the malt shop like we used to
do? When we were your age we
didn't have to make such
spectacles of ourselves.


Fish With Letter Icon

I think the whole world was
devastated by the Columbine
massacre. The stories of the
laughing and hooting during the
violence really put the incident
over the edge of remotely
rational behavior. Not being
popular has a lot to do with
it, but I think abuse,
neglect, lack of opportunity,
and anger - lots of repressed
anger - is at the real core
of it all. Unfortunately, the
media took the Trench Coat
Mafia thing a little too far.
The group is not significant,
but the actions of the
individuals who claimed to
form it are. I grew up in a
sometimes rough area and
there were fights, but I
still can't conceive having a
"terrorist event plan" for a
school. Why schools? Why bomb
and shoot up schools? Are
they that bad? Is this an
institution whose time has
come and gone but still
exists because of laws and
teachers' jobs? Maybe we
should go back to child
labor. Maybe these kids who
are so smart should be put
right into the work force
rather than made to sit
through a class they don't
care about. I remember being
really angry at around age
15, but not enough to want to
destroy someone. The people
who made me mad were the
adults - the ones who bought
their kids the cars, the
clothes, the cell phones, the
expensive summer hockey camps
meant to produce a star
athlete - not the kids
themselves. They say violence
is most often inflicted
on those most safe (e.g.,
black-on-black violence), which
makes sense in this case. But
all the bomb making and
planning - that is some
seriously sick stuff. These
kids were very intelligent.
When did we give them a
chance to show their skills,
to be recognized? The whole
media thing that followed has
done this. Surely that was
part of their thinking too.
They finally got their
pictures in the paper, in
place of the football star. I
know how big sports are in
Denver, and it's incredibly
sad that 15 people had to die
and many others had to get
hurt for Dylan and Eric to finally
get recognized. And it's sad that
they didn't even stick around to
see it.

Josh Johnson


We can't really answer all
your questions, and we suggest
you talk things over with
your priest, rabbi, or imam.
One point about the Columbine
high jocks, however: If
athletes were such a
superstar, favored clique at
the school, why is it that
Columbine seems to have
graduated more future Salon
writers than future sports


Fish With Letter Icon

Just my little two cents

While becoming fairly obvious
that wearing a trench coat
while in your teens is going
to put you under certain
scrutiny from the powers that
be, one can't help but wonder
what went wrong with today's
latest Generation X.

Fingers are already being
pointed at violence in
the assorted arcade games and
videogames readily available,
as well as cinema and
television's morbid curiosity
with all things violent and
remotely explosive. Yet one
can't help but wonder if the
problem isn't one of media

Surely the constant, um,
bombardment of news readily
available is bound to wear
down even the most cheery of
folks. In fact, that bad news
makes good news might be part
of the problem. Case in
point: the recent thwarting
of various young unoriginals
who planned copycat
massacres. Heaven forbid that
the news media is responsible
for how we perceive the world
through our little Plexiglas
bubble. It stands to reason
that one of the biggest
propagators of violence is,
after all, violence.
(Unfortunately, the same can
not be said for the rabbits.)

Obviously, the finger-wagging
will continue for a while,
but remember that there are
always four fingers pointed

Although various measures
will be taken to ensure these
events do not occur again,
the most obvious solution for
us laymen who are permanently
complaining about the state
of broadcasting will remain
somewhat ignored.

Indeed, one little button
could solve most of our problems
and allow us to live in our
splendid marshmallow-filled
world and we wouldn't be
any worse off, the solution,
the one marked off.


While various responses would
be appropriate in this case,
it's becoming clear that
certain readers should
consider diagramming assorted
sentences to see if they
actually end up qualifying as
sentences after all. Also,
one cannot help but wonder if
the steady stream of passive
verbs should also be
reconsidered and possibly

Today's latest Generation X,


Fish With Letter Icon

On a day when I needed all my
existential questions
answered, your Filler really
fit the bill.


Does the massacre have you
down too, or is it the fact
that Suge Knight might have
offed Biggie, or is it just
the weather?

The newspaper is definitely
fueling my existential angst

Anyway, here's hoping we
continue to be in sync with
your worst psychological


Fish With Letter Icon

Wow, you turned gay? Can I
date you now?

Please please please please?

Ben Mazur

What is this thing you call


Fish With Letter Icon

Of course it explains
bungholes. The bunghole is
the most exciting part of a
barrel, one leg of the great
tripod that is Suck. The
bunghole has been implicit
long enough; the explicit
celebration of the bunghole
is long overdue! (Smoking
guns and fish are way too
complicated for my humble
analysis. Barrels are
within my grasp.)

And whether the (cartoon)
Fish is a theist or a liar,
he should be showing more
deference toward Terry, as
should you all. (When did he
start drawing himself as a
glowing cloud over Polly's
desk? Nice contrast to Joey.)

Thom Newlin

It's good to know you've
finally seen the light,

In Terry's Holy Name,


Fish With Letter Icon


Just a note to say I dig
Suck, especially Filler. I
laughed out loud when I read
it today, which is not always the
best thing to do at work, but
it couldn't be helped. I look
forward to spending my time
on the clock reading more of
Suck, especially your sweet
and warmhearted advice


Sweet and warmhearted advice
columns? Way to strike a
nerve, buddy.

Wan da snake,


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Polly,

Yesterday I crushed a cyst on
the back of my wrist with the
edge of a clipboard. It was
about the size of a dime and
had been there for six weeks.
It's not anymore.

Local acupuncturist Dr. Wang
tells me it will probably
return. I say fine, bring it

Feeling empowered,


Yesterday I yanked a pustule
the size of a football out
of ...

Oh god, I can't do it. I'm
glad you feel close enough to
me to share such painful
experiences. Apparently that
bond is not reciprocated.

Feeling powerless and praying
to Terry for strength,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Hi Team Suck,

I just had to ask: Are one or
more of y'all from the Denver
area? I'm having trouble
thinking of any other reason
for your justified and fond
antipathy of Post editor
Chuck Green.


Mark Kundinger

Though he did not write
today's Hit & Run, we owe the
discovery of Chuck Green's
prose stylings to Suck's own
Ambrose Beers. I only regret
that today's offering was but
a tepid, watered-down
version of the sarinlike
venom Beers spits anytime the
topic of Chuck Green rears
its ugly head. It's truly a
sight to behold and has been
known to kill hack columnists
by the baker's dozen in a
matter of seconds.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

What kind of vulgar clown has
a page with such a name?


You know, TheseusRex, this is
about the third or fourth
time you've written in to
complain about Suck's name.
So I have to ask, what kind
of buffoon continues to read
the page but is unable to
come up with more than one
inane question?


Fish With Letter Icon


I usually follow your links
to get a good laugh at the
expense of others. It was
nice to see that in the wake
of the Columbine tragedy you
linked to the sister-in-law
lingerie story. It shows that
behind all the smirking beat
hearts that care. It really
inspired me.

I am now going to wear
lingerie every day, just in
case it's my last.

Tim Sherman

If I read the story correctly,
you'd wear the lingerie
for your sister-in-law,
but I'm not so sure that
is good advice. I know
I didn't get along too well
with my in-laws until they
got a load of me in my black

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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