for 3 May 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Sure, life is simple. There
are no institutions, only
individuals. Cops always get
their man, and juries never
make mistakes. (After all,
they are all individuals, are
they not?) I suppose
organized crime and lunatic
political organizations will
now all fall over after that
stunning display of
overpowering logic. The
victims in Ireland should
rest easy knowing that
institutions could never have
played a part in their messy
demise, only crazy
individuals. The Jews of
Europe can feel better
knowing it wasn't an
institution of any kind that
erased a significant part of
their race, only a huge
collection of individuals who
just woke up one day and
decided that gas and ovens
were a great thing.
Beautiful.

<veneficius@rathlink.net>

As gently as possible, one
simple question: What the
fuck are you talking about?

Ambrose Beers

Hi. I know your not supposed
to start a E-Mail with a
question, but what kind of
magazine are you? First you
name it "Suck," like there
aren't enough bad influences
for kids out there, and
second you have a picture of
a old lady giving Hitler
cookies on your Web Site! Now
your'e picturing the Nazis as
a kind giving group?
Brilliant! And third you get
a very kind letter from a
nice old lady and all you do
is edit it and critises it?
Now I know where you got
your'e newspapers name!
Because it "Sucks"!

<JareBear1@aol.com>

Yes, we've probably made
quite a few innocent little
children turn Nazi. Good
point.

The poor little dears.

Mildly suggesting you learn
to spell,

Ambrose Beers

So what's an Ambrose beer and
where is the brewery? Web
site?

Randy Stiffler
<sunnyswampfarm@webtv.net>

The brewery is, um, on my
breath. At least this is what
the cops always say. For a
Web site, maybe try
stateprisons.gov.

Ambrose Beers

"... and to knock Saddam
Hussein from power (whoops)
..."

You may recall it was Bush
who went into Iraq with guns
a-blazin'. Not that I care if
you want to ramble on about
Clinton's deficiencies (oh,
Canada ...), but that point
did seem to stick out a bit.

David Connell
<dconnell@aescompany.com>

George Bush left the White
House six years ago. We're
still dropping bombs on Iraq.
It's probably a stretch to blame
the ongoing campaign on ol'
George.

Ambrose Beers

I would love to write a
long-winded, pious rant about
the mean superpower blowing
the crap out of faraway
people and destroying their
livelihoods. We see very
little blood, and war becomes
established as yet another
TV viewing option. Out in the
sticks, of course, where our
shiny high-tech toys find
their targets, whole cultures
are condemned to decades of
abject economic struggle and
chronic hopelessness: no more
drinking water, sewers,
electricity, jobs, homes.

What will we learn from
Kosovo and Desert Storm/Fox?
To live together in peace? To
promote the humanitarian
ideals we all presumably hold
dear? No. We will make our
weapons smaller, stealthier,
and able to deploy in the worst
weather conditions. And
above all, we will cram those
little silver peckers with
enough computing horsepower
to look the enemy up in a
goddamn phone book (any
language), find him even if
he is hiding under the
remains of his bed, and make
some effort to enter his
rectum before blasting him
and everything within a 100-
meter radius into gravel.

Heinz Hemken
<zotz@franchiseloan.com>
San Diego, California

Ah, yes: Getting deep into
the enemy rectum and
"blasting." There are videos
on the market that will
satisfy your cravings, Heinz.
Good luck to you.

Ambrose Beers

Subject: Outside the Web link
circle?

"Outside the Actors Studio" was
the funniest parody you guys
have spooned up in a long
time. Thanks for the
brilliant regurgitation. But
I have to admit, I'm a little
perturbed you didn't want to
link to Bravo's TV site. You
were happy to slam Bravo's
baby, the Independent Film
Channel, when you mercilessly
invented the Macromedia Suck
Awards to screw the
Independent Spirit Awards.
But damn it, we were glad you
pointed your readers to the
site from Hit and Run
No. CLXIV.

I must ask you, has Bravo
really sunk so low as to not
even merit a crappy Web link?
What gives?

C. K. McCabe
<tie@metalab.unc.edu>

Sorry, that's not my table.
But thanks for the kind
words.

Go Tarheels!

James

Subject: Outside the Actors
Studio

Doesn't James Lipton have a
beard? Is the guy in the
drawings supposed to be one
of the two Mr. Wilsons from
the Dennis the Menace
television show?

Yours,

Tyler Dickson
<kson@math.vt.edu>

Did you know there's a
computer virus going around
that erases all facial hair
from Web-based images of men
with beards? Better call
those tech boys.

Cleanshaven and loving it,

James

Subject: My son, the writer

Another masterpiece!

Love,

Mom

Thanks, Mom. Sorry about the
curse words.

Still waiting for my birthday
present,

James

Subject: Shannon Tweed,
Ernest, and that damn dog

Dear Mr. Bong,

It does in fact seem that the
Actors Studio is running out
of, well, actors to talk to.
Some of the talentless actors whom
you used to demonstrate the
downward spiral of the show
really hit home. While I would
very much enjoy an opportunity
to kick the Coreys in the nads
and hit Jim Varney with a large
sofa, while feeding that damn
Taco Bell dog to some rabid
squirrels, your attack on
Shannon Tweed is completely
uncalled for.

For almost any teenage
suburban boy who was scared
by the prospect of real porn,
Shannon Tweed movies were the
only game in town. Any guy
worth his masturbatory salt
has at least seen Night
Eyes, if not the entire
trilogy. Tweed's were
probably the best, if not the
first, set of tits guys could
really admire over and over
and over again. It's because
of these great movies that
guys don't completely lose
their minds the first time
they get a girl to take her
clothes off. We all know
Tweed can't act for shit, but
during that awkward stage of
life we didn't give a rat's
ass. We just wanted to see
some woman with great cans
have hot, passionate,
utterly awful fake movie
sex. And for that we are
truly grateful.

Bryan Wall
<janis.wall@sympatico.ca>

Unfortunately, my father
refused to allow cable in the
house, so she was not there
for me when I needed her.
Hence my anger, my frothy
bitterness toward her.

I will not take issue with
your lovely, heartfelt homage
to Ms. Tweed, and if there is
any justice in this world she
will read your kind words,
find you, and make sweet love
to you in the manner of the
Kama Sutra, pages 34 to 51.

Good luck,

James

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art