The Fish
for 29 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

War Stories

I've read your statement over
a couple of times. Very
interesting. Thank you for
your insights. I love this
country and fought in Desert
Storm. I support our troops
100 percent, and hope you
feel the same.

Scott Craft USN

You know, to this day I can't
understand how anybody can
say Desert Storm with a
straight face.


Fish With Letter Icon

Outside The Actor's Studio

Subject: Peter Scolari

I once had a surprisingly
touching run-in with Peter
Scolari where he outlined the
three or four series concepts
he was working on with his
partner and talked about
being in the shadow of the
apparently genuinely nice Tom
Hanks. He said Hanks promises
him roles in every film Hanks
ever produces. He was, in fact,
in That Thing You Do! Scolari
was, IMHO, much better in
Bosom Buddies than Hanks.
Scolari's Hildegard was more
fleshed out and complicated
while Hanks went for the
wacky Steve Martin/Robin
Williams style of comedy. I
was very surprised two or
three years later when Hanks
became the movie star and
Scolari played the positively
wooden character on Newhart.
Personally, I thought Hanks
did some of his best while
hosting Saturday Night Live.
It was an odd beginning for an guy
who ended up being the
everyman actor of the 1990s.

Don Smith

Dear Don,

Ah, the age-old conundrum of
the career trajectories of
Hanks and Scolari, the Jack
Lemmon and Tony Curtis of the
1980s TV version of Some Like
It Hot.

Not only did Hanks fulfill his
promise to Scolari by putting
him in That Thing You Do!, he
also got his more talented,
less fortunate former
colleague work in his
miniseries From the Earth to
the Moon.
Yay, Tom!

Still, one wonders if Hanks is
really doing all he can to
help. Could he have pulled
some strings to get him roles
in Philadelphia or Apollo 13,
for instance? Apparently not,
as Scolari's schedule during
the production of those two
megaprojects was filled with
work on Ticks (aka Infested)
and the TV series Dweebs.

Poor Peter. Always having to
fend off the attention of the
fat annoying girl while Hanks
gets to schtup Donna Dixon,
metaphorically speaking, that



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Sucky suck-suck daily

Dear Sucksters,

Pans for your most recent
exposé of Inside the
Actors Studio.
I hope you
don't decide to keep this
format of linking pages of
cartoons (none too funny
ones, I might add; who wrote
them, Bob Saget during his
sabbatical from America's
Funniest Home Videos
?) in
place of scrolling down one
page with your erstwhile,
well-written, and at times
tongue-lashingly enjoyable
text. If you do, cancel my
million-dollar contributions
to your sponsors, which I'll
be sure to attribute to your
dearth of origionality.
(Threatening to avoid
sponsors always gets
management in a tizzy.)

Once a suckster but not

Sens O'Melia

Dear "Sens,"

This "new" format has been
around for years. And
regarding our "dearth of
origionality" might I
commend you on the invention
of your interesting new word?

Also: Full House and home
videos aside, Saget is
actually funny.

Love and kisses,


Fish With Letter Icon

Just to let you know today's
Suck (16 April) was so bad I
made it through all 10 pages
before any of them could load
more than 25 percent. FUCKING
are not worth a pimple on
Ernest's third nipple.


My poor sweet Anonymous,

Your email address says it

Trying to discern Trinity
subtext in that thing about
Ernest's third nipple,


Fish With Letter Icon
The Beat Goes Online

Subject: Re: MP3 - enuf

Get the hell over it! It was
two little articles dealing
with a medium that's still in
the womb and probably won't
see any more public
acceptance than the Amiga or
Burple did. Quit stroking
yourself by continuing the
argument and get back to
putting up biting sarcastic
responses to the half-wits
who send you bitchy little


The general rules for
answering Suck mail go like

If the person takes the time
to make a point, take the
time to respond to the point.

If the person writes something
bitingly sarcastic, respond
with biting sarcasm.

If the person writes something
generic and stupid that we've
heard a million times before,
a simple Fuck You will

You know which one you get,


Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: Disturbing trend


While I love your work and can
certainly identify with
cynicism, bitterness, and
humor at the expense of
others, if not your self-
destructive man hating, I
have been disturbed by your
two - not one, but two -
loving references in recent
weeks to the University of
New Jersey at Durham - I
mean, Duke University. I'm
trying like hell to give you
the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps the affinity for an
institution of such snobbery
and nouveau riche pretensions
comes natural to a cartoon
character brimming with
cultural and personal venom.
Maybe you simply pulled Duke
from your cartoon ass because
it hasn't been in the news of
late with the near success
of its basketball team. I
hope one of these is the case
and that you are not a
genuine fan of Duke or, I
choke on the word, an
alumnus. (Does Duke even
accept cartoon characters?
Its admissions department
must have liked that
sweater.) Even if this is
true, I will do my best to
swallow my populist pride and
my vitriol for all things
smarmy and elitist and remain
your loyal reader. But I'll
be very disappointed in you,
young lady.

Ty Webb

So much hatred in you. I grew
up in Durham, and Duke was
free because my dad taught
there. As a townie, the
snobbery and nouveau riche
pretensions were lost on me -
I honestly thought most of
the kids were just weird.
After graduating, I figured
it all out and retroactively
hated them for their
snottiness and their money.
Then I grew up.

Why don't you try doing the

Duke basketball kicks ass, so
stick your head in doo-doo,


Fish With Letter Icon

I stopped being as in love
with you when I found out you
were a rabid sports fan.

Thomas E. Williams

Are you a rabid hater of
sports for any good reason,
like say the entire football
team sodomized you in junior
high school? Or are you a
little forest animal whose
woodland home got plowed over
to make room for a new

I stopped being as in love
with you when I found out you
were a rabbit.



Fish With Letter Icon

You forgot the Simpsons Tax.
It's kinda like the Seinfeld
Tax but applied each time you
have to sit next to some
sorry fuck whose every other
word is "D'oh!" or "Excellent

Matt Mizenko

I just wish Homer would stop
acting out of character. It's

Although, imitating Ottoman
will always be irresistable.

Instead of Futurama, Matt
Groening should've just made
a show called The Adventures
of Ottoman and Apu.


Fish With Letter Icon

Polly: the little bitch from
the Deep South

Carolina became part of the
"Deep" South?

Not that my opinion counts for
anything - I too hail from
the Land of Jesse, but unlike
you I wasn't smart enough to

PS Are you currently taking
applications for stalkers?

A fan,

Brent Edwards

It doesn't take brains to
escape, Brent, just brawn.
And sexual favors.

Just kidding. Stalker
applications are currently
being accepted. Small forest
animals of any type need not
apply. Polly is an equal
opportunity false god.

Fe Fi Faux Fum,


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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