The Fish
for 15 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager



I'm slightly confused. Why do
I care how people do things
in California?

I'm beginning to think having
a steady job is making me
stupider. I like the money,
of course, but I'm starting
to have trouble focussing on
anything that doesn't involve
turnaround, sexual
intercourse, or sitcom
gossip. I find Lisa Kudroaux
(or however you spell it)
much more entertaining than
Roberto Benini, and that
seems a little off. But at
least no matter how stupid I
get, I can still enjoy Suck.
Maybe you or one of your
colleagues could do a little
statistical research (or make
some shit up) and write a
collumn about it; I'm sure
other people aside from
myself would benefit. Also,
you would be able to coast
for a week on the same

By the way, did you see Elton
John talking shit about
Roberto Benini on Letterman
last week? That fat fuck; I
really hate him.

Colin, the little boy from the Big Apple

You have a lot of hatred. You
also have a lot of problems
with spelling.

Maybe the chart should
include statistics on what
percentage of Suck readers
1. are filled with
hatred, 2. can't spell, and
3. insist on making useless
pop-cultural references in an
effort to "speak our
language." Of course, if you
didn't care about lame pop
culture, why would you bother
reading Suck at all?

I know, you're always there
for me, Colin. And I love you
for being there for me, as
I'm never there for you.

Not yours,

Polly, the little
bitch from the Deep South

Fish With Letter Icon


You zigged when I thought you
would zag.

Are you a Gemini?

< >

Are you an Aquarius?

Also, er, are Aquariuses
supposed to be inquisitive?

There I go again, making a
bad guess for no good reason,
just like a typically
shameless Gemini. There I go
again, gladly engaging in
talk of astrology, just like
someone who's lived in
California a little too long.



Fish With Letter Icon


I liked the quote from the
Los Angeles Times about what
was over. All this time I
felt like I was just lazy
and, thankfully, have instead
been ahead of the trend.

To be honest, every item in
the "over" quote might be
from aging Gen-Xers
threatened by the new crop of
non-Gen-X stars. Buffy we
got, but Dawson's Creek? 10
Things I Hate About You?
Scream and
Scream again?

It's better that we assert our
generation's current position
as low-level columnists and
cultural gatekeepers and
claim that Hollywood gossip is
over: Who cares who
Leonardo DiCaprio slept with
after some turntablist show
at the Viper Room. But when
indie rock comes back and we
can gossip about our friends
as stars (Elliott Smith on
the Academy Awards, etc.),
then we can say the tide has
turned. Similarly, the
underlying point of saying
technology is over is saying,
"We get DVD but not MP3.
Isn't it cheaper to pay
US$15 for a CD at a store than
spend all that time you could be
preparing for work?"

What's in? Thinking about
buying a house, enrolling in
night school for that
certification program,
learning to cook, getting
married. Married is so in
this year; all my friends
(who coincidentally are
turning 30) are getting
married this year.

Don Smith

Everyone you know may decide
to get married at once, but
that doesn't mean it's in.
Getting married as soon as
you turn 30 is sort of like
playing musical chairs. The
music's on; there are plenty
of chairs in the circle. The
music stops, you grab the
nearest chair, and then
you're stuck with it for the
rest of your life. Everyone
without a chair has to
develop the weird, selfish
affectations of the
childless. They also have to
keep a wide variety of
serving-sized frozen foods in
their freezers, and they have
to get cats with special
dietary needs.

Those with a chair become
hatefully similar to each
other because they're
committed to repeating again
and again how lucky they were
to end up with the best chair
in the circle, even though
anyone can see their chair
squeaks and wobbles awkwardly
and needs a new paint job
and gives lewd looks to the
other chairs in the circle
when no one's watching.

Thirty is a stupid age.
Everyone's playing parlor
games and choosing china when
they should be fucking shit
up while they're still young
and spry. It's all about
panic. Those who panic easily
get married first.

Hold it. Did you just refer
to me as a low-level
columnist? No wonder I
started getting so bitter.

Higher-level than thou,

Spry Polly

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Booty Caller

Hey, do you have a
beeper-sized version of the
booty caller (with a vibrator
option)? I wouldn't want my
wife to know.

Thank you SO much!

Duane Bentzen

Getting sick of your chair,
huh, buddy? I bet it doesn't
like you too much, either.

Time to look into painless,
permanent chair-removal

Hairless and chairless,


Fish With Letter Icon
The Beat Goes Online

"... another bad band will be
forced (in an environment
where every song stands or
falls on its individual
merits) to put more effort
into each song.... And how
can you argue with that?"

Are you suggesting this bad
band will somehow be able to
kick it up a notch because
suddenly there's a new means
of online music distribution?
That the opportunities
presented by MP3 will of
necessity turn their
secondhand riffs and banal
lyrics into something
compelling? Bands are bad
because they're lazy or they
lack talent, not as a direct
response to the available
means of distribution. MP3 is
not going to change that.


Instead of bad I probably
should have said lazy. There
are bands capable of good
material but who get lazy
because they know a few
decent songs will carry their
album. All I'm suggesting is
that MP3 distribution, with
its current emphasis on
singles, has the possibility
of making that less
profitable to do. For bands
that are just plain bad, you
are right - a file format is
not going to help them.



Fish With Letter Icon

"Characteristics of MP3 in
general and aspects of its
distribution in particular
will shape, or at least
favor, specific types of

This sentence makes me think
you must be a media
ecologist, an NYU graduate, a
Marshall McLuhan or Neil
Postman fan, or possibly all
of the above. Please tell me
I'm right on at least one
score, because it would
simply be too painful to
admit others could also have
the medium-over-message,
form-over-content, and
especially the
insights without having
shelled out six figures for a
graduate degree. If not, does
Suck grant tenure?


No on the first two counts.
I've read a little McLuhan
and a little more Postman -
just enough to add my share
of cultural carbon dioxide to
the media ecology, I'd say.



Fish With Letter Icon


When installed on a woman's
phone, Booty Caller
automatically screens all
calls from men who live in
California and NYC. Now
that's design genius.

Amy E. Brown

You have a beef about men
from California and NYC?
What's wrong with them?

I always thought I was the
problem. For very good
reasons, of course. But
still ... thanks for giving me
another scapegoat.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Things that should
be over - the word booty

Robert Wright, ETC

Dude. I'm so not into that
word! I'm totally fucking
down with your take, man!

So over,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Martha Stewart of


With your insider knowledge
of California culture, you
would make a great guide to
making it feel a little more
like home. Lord knows I want
to sit out back of my
New England colonial,
trying out the pressed-
flower techniques, but it
doesn't seem too practical.


Care tips and polish
recommendations for your
favorite stars on Hollywood
and Vine.

Extraction of natural dyes
from the air around you.
(Turns out smog makes a nice

And, oh my, the Christmas
swags you could make for the


Bryan Richard

You are quite obviously from
LA, and anyone who's anyone
knows LA and San Francisco
would require completely
different Martha Stewarts.
One would make tasteful
wedding favors out of
shredded tires collected from
the side of the Santa Monica
freeway. The other would
craft stunningly unoriginal
cafe art from Odwalla bottle

Yes, I realize there are lots
of other cities in
California, but I can't
remember any of them right

Stunningly unoriginal and not
from California,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Booty time, booty
time, hey, hey hey


Filler is excellent, as
usual. It always gives me a
laugh. I'm not up much on
current events (local news
programs have alienated me
and NPR is so NPR) but I'm
there on California, being
one of the few natives I know
anymore (excluding
relatives). Hey, are the
transplants eating the
natives? That 24-Hour Fitness
billboard was really talking
about the other 49 states in
reference to aliens. Have you
seen the Chevy billboard
response? There's one on
580-East in Oakland, just
past the maze.

Francine Hudson

You California natives are so
weird with your cute little
references to highways and
interchanges and whatnot.
It's as if the highways are
more important historical
landmarks than the
goddamn ... museums (or
whatever should be more
important) that people who
aren't as uncultured as I am
go to when they want
more ... history or whatever it
is you get at museums and

You Californians are so
shallow and lame. It makes me

Dreaming of your kidney with
some nice faahhhhva beans,

Polly Lecter

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999
The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999
Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998
Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited)
Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994
Motorhead, CD remasters, all
Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee
A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998
V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999
The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel
The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998
Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999
Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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