The Fish
for 8 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

I was just thinking last
night about how much I hated
that little girl in the Pepsi
commercials. Stop scanning

Hey, did you hear about Matt
Damon's penis enlargement
surgery? Apparently, after he
hauled in the Oscar for Good
Will Hunting,
the first thing
he spent his new-found cash
(from Rounders) on was penis
enlargement surgery.
Apparently, his unit wasn't
all that small to begin with,
but he wanted a schlong more
befitting his new A-list


K. Thor Jensen

You'll need some better
documentation if you want us
to believe this Damon story.
Seems like this surgery would
upset the butch/femme dynamic
he's got going with Affleck.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Flight of the Crybabies

"Flight of the Crybabies?"
Uh-uh. More like "Fly Air
Auschwitz." The experience of
modern US air travel is
brutalizing, demeaning, and
intimidating, from expensive
parking to rental-car ripoffs
to confusing, ill-marked
airport layouts to signs
threatening you in multiple
languages not to smoke to
answering all questions with
smiles to connecting
flights which force you to
trot from one end of the
terminal to the other to the
lack of lockers (ye gods,
someone might try ... storing
their luggage!) to airport
customer service that
consists solely of making it
impossible for you to avoid
duty-free booze sellers to
inept check-ins to electronic
ticketing that is usually
incorrect and saves you no
time whatsoever to forcing
you to check in half an hour
before flights that are
casually late anyway to
congestive heart failure as
you sit scrunched in economy
seats for umpteen hours ...
No, the modern air travel
experience is an
alternative-world glimpse of
what all modern life would be
like if the Nazis had won
WWII. Line up here for
customs, there for
showers ...

R. D. Ward

Oh, pipe down, you big sissy!
All your little complaints
can be easily explained. They
don't let you smoke because
it's an enclosed environment
with no opening windows (and
the smoking ban is among the
most popular moves the
airlines have ever made);
they don't have lockers
because they don't want
terrorists storing bombs in
them, etc. You should be
answering all their questions
with a smile. In fact, you
should be thanking them at
every opportunity for letting
you fly safely through
oxygen-thin altitudes and get
where you're going faster
than you ever would on a bus
or in your car.

And your overblown Nazi
analogy doesn't work either.
Flying on Lufthansa is among
the most pleasant and
courteous experiences in
modern travel.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

3-25-99 i got onto web site
and names of girls from
hooters i clicked and got
pictures of them. can't find

Ken Jahnke

What do you need help for if
you already got the

Fish With Letter Icon

You hit the nail on the head
in your Friday column about
the so-called Passenger Bill
of Rights. The bills
currently on the table in
Congress are a stunning
example of the government
railing at private industry
for a problem the government
created in the first place.
The customer complaints that
drove this legislation were
mainly about delays, which
are obviously not an
airline-side phenomenon. How
stupid is the public? Does it
really think that when a
plane is delayed it's because
United is run by a bunch of
jackasses incapable of moving
passengers onto a plane? The
problem obviously lies
elsewhere. However, your
article only focused on the
FAA and air traffic control.
The government also fucks up
the airline industry by
protecting the domestic
market from foreign
competition and by letting
municipalities (exempt from
antitrust law) sign huge
locked-in, long-term leases
that allow the major airlines
to control all the gates at
airports and even to veto
adding gates that would allow
new competitors to enter the
market. I'm not saying that
anti-trust laws are good, but
it's never good to let the
government control a
monopoly. In fact, it's just
plain stupid.

PS You should have added a
quote from Bud

Ryan H. Sager

To answer your first
question: The public is
extremely stupid.

Opening up domestic lanes to
foreign competition isn't as
simple as it seems. It's not
like the foreigners are
falling all over themselves
to let Delta and American
take over the
Minsk-Vladivostok route. And
I'm not so sure I'd want some
Belgian flying me from San
Francisco to LA.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Dude, easy on the 'bladers. I
guess in your world everyone
is a Suck-reading,
self-conscious, do-little,
complain-much, lard-ass
hipster. Yeah, it's a nice
world you inhabit. If you
live in SF, please move back
to Deadfish, Iowa, or
wherever you came from. Have
you ever noticed how guilt
and dicks seem to follow each


You got some kind of a
problem with Deadfish, you
wheat grass-swilling fuck?

Just kidding. I'm not hip or
lardy, and I don't read. I am
self-conscious and complain
every time the opportunity to
do so arises. It makes sense
that guilt and dicks follow
each other, since Catholic
girls get laid so much.

Wait, what are we talking
about? Where am I?


Fish With Letter Icon


It is nice to see some
Rollerblader bashing.
Rollerbladers, in addition to
the guiltlessness you and
Matt Horgan detailed, are
also blatant plagiarists.
This would concern so-called
"X-TREME" or "aggressive"
Rollerblading. Who do they
steal from? Skateboards. They
nick the clothes, the tricks,
the trick names.
Rollerbladers are the kings
of unoriginality. How do you
grab "mute" when there isn't
a board under your feet? It
is beyond me. Maybe they can
incorporate their "phat-ass
chain wallets" into their
tricks: "Dude, it's a
'stoked' grind. I like, grind
'soul' and stick my back leg
through the, you know, like,
my chain wallet's chain's
loop thing." Right on.

Luke Guidici

Hold on. Am I on Mars?

What the hell is happening?


Fish With Letter Icon

Dearest Polly,

For sometime now, I've
watched, somewhat insatiably,
your column, and while, at
times, the words and thoughts
seem to be as delicate and
restrained as an ejaculating
male, there is something else
that has caught my attention:
that sweater. To be quite
honest, I only read your
column for the sweater. And
if it's not too much trouble,
if you would indulge me, I'd
like to know the size and
type of sweater. This
knowledge would go far
toward legitimizing
an otherwise superfluous and
oftentimes drunk existence.
Think of it, logically, as an
appeal to the Sally Struthers
type of argument: "For the
price of an email, you could
help bring hope and
legitimacy to the squalor and
bullshit that constitute a
young man's empty and prosaic
life." Or you could think of
it logically as an appeal to
the Charter
Winds/Rehabilitation from
Drugs type of argument: "If
you don't tell me your
sweater size, please tell me
someone's sweater size."
Perhaps an appeal to your own
emotions is best: "My
sweater's been asked, my
sweater's been asked, thank
God Almighty, my sweater's
been asked!"

In the infamous words of
Monica Lewinsky, "Thanks, in

PS Natural fibers or


While our readers gasp in
eager anticipation of the
answers to your many probing
questions, I have an ugly
confession to make. After
reading the phrase, "as
delicate and restrained as an
ejaculating male," I thought,
"What in the world is
delicate and restrained about
an ejaculating male? Have I
been sleeping with freakish
men who stray from the
delicate, restrained norm?
Maybe I need to find one of
these delicate, restrained

After that peek into the dim
workings of my slow mind, do
you really want to know my
sweater size?

I'll just assume you don't.

Indelicate, unrestrained,
unnatural, and really fucking


Fish With Letter Icon


I love your "filler" on

You certainly "have a handle"
on the absurdities of modern

That part where you're
talking to your mother about
what you do for work had me
ROTFL! How familiar that
sounds - my grandmother used
to talk the same way!

Even men go through some of
that kind of crap when
talking to their parents.
Then there are mothers like
mine who will periodically
cast aspersions toward the
career I chose (commercial
air conditioning and
refrigeration repair) because
it doesn't fit her criteria of
what a "professional" career

Although I disagree about the
assertion that certain types
of people have overcome guilt
and have happy-go-lucky
lives (outward appearances
can belie vast amounts of
inner turmoil), your comics
were otherwise "right on."
They describe dysfunctional
family and work dynamics "to
a T."



Thanks a lot for sending us
your "great letter" about
Filler on It's good
to know that you're "down
with the program" and "behind
us 100 percent." We really
"enjoyed" hearing from you,
and appreciate your feedback
"more than you know."

My refrigerator isn't
running. How can I get it

Bonafide boneheaded writer,


Fish With Letter Icon

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