for 7 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Dude, easy on the 'bladers. I
guess in your world everyone
is a Suck-reading,
self-conscious, do-little,
complain-much, lard-ass
hipster. Yeah, it's a nice
world you inhabit. If you
live in SF, please move back
to Deadfish, Iowa, or
wherever you came from. Have
you ever noticed how guilt
and dicks seem to follow each
other?

James
<jfraz@rocketmail.com>

You got some kind of a
problem with Deadfish, you
wheat grass-swilling fuck?

Just kidding. I'm not hip or
lardy, and I don't read. I am
self-conscious and complain
every time the opportunity to
do so arises. It makes sense
that guilt and dicks follow
each other, since Catholic
girls get laid so much.

Wait, what are we talking
about? Where am I?

Polly

Polly,

It is nice to see some
Rollerblader bashing.
Rollerbladers, in addition to
the guiltlessness you and
Matt Horgan detailed, are
also blatant plagiarists.
This would concern so-called
"X-TREME" or "aggressive"
Rollerblading. Who do they
steal from? Skateboards. They
nick the clothes, the tricks,
the trick names.
Rollerbladers are the kings
of unoriginality. How do you
grab "mute" when there isn't
a board under your feet? It
is beyond me. Maybe they can
incorporate their "phat-ass
chain wallets" into their
tricks: "Dude, it's a
'stoked' grind. I like, grind
'soul' and stick my back leg
through the, you know, like,
my chain wallet's chain's
loop thing." Right on.

Luke Guidici
<espedia@jps.net>

Hold on. Am I on Mars?

What the hell is happening?

Polly

Dearest Polly,

For sometime now, I've
watched, somewhat insatiably,
your column, and while, at
times, the words and thoughts
seem to be as delicate and
restrained as an ejaculating
male, there is something else
that has caught my attention:
that sweater. To be quite
honest, I only read your
column for the sweater. And
if it's not too much trouble,
if you would indulge me, I'd
like to know the size and
type of sweater. This
knowledge would go far
toward legitimizing
an otherwise superfluous and
oftentimes drunk existence.
Think of it, logically, as an
appeal to the Sally Struthers
type of argument: "For the
price of an email, you could
help bring hope and
legitimacy to the squalor and
bullshit that constitute a
young man's empty and prosaic
life." Or you could think of
it logically as an appeal to
the Charter
Winds/Rehabilitation from
Drugs type of argument: "If
you don't tell me your
sweater size, please tell me
someone's sweater size."
Perhaps an appeal to your own
emotions is best: "My
sweater's been asked, my
sweater's been asked, thank
God Almighty, my sweater's
been asked!"

In the infamous words of
Monica Lewinsky, "Thanks, in
advance."

PS Natural fibers or
synthetic?

<mbreu@innova.net>

While our readers gasp in
eager anticipation of the
answers to your many probing
questions, I have an ugly
confession to make. After
reading the phrase, "as
delicate and restrained as an
ejaculating male," I thought,
"What in the world is
delicate and restrained about
an ejaculating male? Have I
been sleeping with freakish
men who stray from the
delicate, restrained norm?
Maybe I need to find one of
these delicate, restrained
types...."

After that peek into the dim
workings of my slow mind, do
you really want to know my
sweater size?

I'll just assume you don't.

Indelicate, unrestrained,
unnatural, and really fucking
stupid,

Polly

Polly:

I love your "filler" on
Suck.com.

You certainly "have a handle"
on the absurdities of modern
life.

That part where you're
talking to your mother about
what you do for work had me
ROTFL! How familiar that
sounds - my grandmother used
to talk the same way!

Even men go through some of
that kind of crap when
talking to their parents.
Then there are mothers like
mine who will periodically
cast aspersions toward the
career I chose (commercial
air conditioning and
refrigeration repair) because
it doesn't fit her criteria of
what a "professional" career
is.

Although I disagree about the
assertion that certain types
of people have overcome guilt
and have happy-go-lucky
lives (outward appearances
can belie vast amounts of
inner turmoil), your comics
were otherwise "right on."
They describe dysfunctional
family and work dynamics "to
a T."

Sincerely,

lonewriter
<lonewriter@technologist.com>

Thanks a lot for sending us
your "great letter" about
Filler on Suck.com. It's good
to know that you're "down
with the program" and "behind
us 100 percent." We really
"enjoyed" hearing from you,
and appreciate your feedback
"more than you know."

My refrigerator isn't
running. How can I get it
motivated?

Bonafide boneheaded writer,

Polly

Discovery Channel

"Gas stations charge you a
quarter for gas and water,
rather than giving it away."

What kind of gas do gas
stations sell for a quarter?

The copy editor was asleep at
the switch, I surmise,
because you did say "air and
water" later in that same
paragraph.

Ever niggling,

Mike Forester
<forester@netcom.com>

The day I find that gas
station, I am going to buy
myself the largest possible
SUV. Or maybe one of those
giant campers, with a
sophisticated porta-toilet
and a TV satellite dish. In
the meantime, though, me and
the Suck copy editors will
continue to share this one
communal unicycle. It gets us
where we need to go.

With egg on my face,

Ambrose Beers

I read an advice column the
other day that lectured a
23-year-old who was living at
home. The question was, "Why
should I move out of my
parents' house if it helps me
save money?" The answer: "The
one thing that kids don't
understand is that 'free' is
another word for someone else
footing the bill."

And, as of late, that phrase
has become more and more
meaningful to me, regarding
things I dislike and even
things I like (unfunded
mandates for instance). I was
never for enforced term
limits, either for political
positions or my own jobs (yuk
yuk), but it would seem that
the people who put them in
place really felt that these
politicians would leave politics
after their terms were up.
I'm not really sure why that
is the case. A congressional
staffer told me this winter
that the 1992 pro-term limits
congresspeople are
trying very hard - and as
quietly as possible - to get
those statutes overturned as
"no longer necessary."

Similarly, I got into an
argument at work with a woman
who blamed drug violence on
Generation X and could not be
convinced that drug violence
started in the 1960s with
heroin and the mafia and was
inflamed by her generation's
proponing mind-expansion via
drugs. She felt that her
generation's views were a
free ride with no
consequences, but her freedom
is on my dime.

Don Smith
<dsmith@qrc.com>

But mom makes such good
pancakes ...

Well said,

Ambrose Beers

Of course you are correct to
view with derision attempts
to prevent gas stations from
charging money for air and
water, but your argument is
bogus. Oh, boo-hoo for the
poor downtrodden corporations
who are having such a hard
time making a buck these
days. Please!

Just because the large oil
companies have suckered large
numbers of schleps to run
their stores, people who
really must believe that it
is a privilege to kick back
all that dough in franchise
fees, doesn't mean that the
oil companies don't keep
tight control over the whole
game.

Then there are all of those
corporate welfare provisions
ensuring that most of the
revenues generated by the
state gas tax, federal gas
tax, state and local sales
taxes, etc. are funneled
right back to the oil
companies too. Come on.

Now, up here in the 53rd
state of Kanadia, we are
having a hard enough time
getting unleaded gas to run
those catalytic converter
thingies. It will be a while
before we can consider
switching to air-filled
tires.

Stephen Targett
<stargett@yahoo.com>

Yes, let's nail those
sons-of-bitches for making
money, not to mention
providing all those goods and
services. What are they
trying to pull? And they're
employing tens of thousands
of people and providing
thousands of other people
with the chance to own their
own businesses with their
franchising program ... They
must be stopped at once
before they pay out even more
payroll and dividends, which
are destroying our once-great
country.

Gassing up,

Ambrose Beers