The Fish
for 29 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Sex Crazy



Yes, yes, of course. But the
quote marks - not to mention
the exclamation point! -
worry me. Is this ironic
discourse or the real McCoy?

Cracking my knuckles and
jumping for joy,

Mr. M.

Fish With Letter Icon

The story about sex on TV is
interesting, and the
thing was a good one, but the
mean-spiritedness toward
Monica L. is frankly
unattractive. "Rearward like
a cow in estrus,"
"presidential ashtray and
autosuck device" - that's
just slightly advanced
frat-boy humor. It's ugly, and
it's not even funny.

Gloria Fisk

Hmm, didn't I cover the
inherent ugliness of much
so-called comedy a while
? And Mr. M. wonders, Ms.
Fisk - if that is your real
name - how you can be
offended by his scientific
description of Monica L. but
not by the gratuitous
flogging of the Luvvly
Linder? Mr. M., FWIW, does
not approve of frats, boys,
or the advancement of either.
But let him be clear in the
third person: Monica L.'s
description of how,
Circe-like, she beguiled That
Man in the White House
precisely tracks along
well-observed mammalian
mating patterns.


Mr. M.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Double-entendre

"... rehashing the tired
adage that inevitably infects
all writing about the boob
tube ..."

Really, now it's a boob of a
different color, isn't it?
Maybe that's the key. Our
late-baby boomer TV producers
grew up with fathers
who swilled beer on Saturday
afternoons and thought their kids
should be helping them
repair the car rather than
watching Davy Crockett.
They'd yell, "Quit watching the
boob tube and hand me a
quarter-inch socket." Which,
of course, impressed
youngsters who were just
beginning to realize the
value of their own
quarter-inch sockets. Thus,
we have the double-entendre
excerpted from your article
(and HBO's recent movie,
Breast Men). Keep it coming.

Tim Wagner

By any chance, were you the
inspiration for "The Cat's in
the Cradle"? Just wondering.
Comrade Wagner gets at some
uncomfortable truths - the
sort of truths that led to
all the major witnesses of
the JFK assassination and the
principals of the movie
Poltergeist getting killed or worse
(in the latter category is
Craig T. Nelson, who suffered
the crime of being tailed by
Jerry Van Dyke for years).
Tread softy, Timmy: You're on
dangerous ground, and Lassie
has been cancelled.

Whisperingly, Mr. M.

Fish With Letter Icon

the complusory summer sex
issue ... aka the tv-sex ...
gliding the lily livered
there, eh ...

is bbad. personally, i
perferr blood to casual sex.
humor is low, low low. on the

pat donovan

What part of "gilding" don't
you understand, Mr. Donovan
- if that is your real name?
And what kind of crazy world
are you living in where blood
and casual sex constitute
mutually exclusive

Mr. M.

Fish With Letter Icon
Mock 3

Very funny. You ought to send
it to those pricks at



What I'm hearing from you is
that you're working with a
lot of unresolved anger.
Maybe this can be a safe
forum for you to vent some of
those feelings. Let's start
with Gillette, toward whom
you seem to be harboring a
certain amount of aggression.
What kind of thoughts does
Gillette bring to mind? Have
you ever been hurt by a razor
- really hurt?

I hope you'll feel open to
sharing, but remember, I
can't help you if you don't
want to be helped.


Fish With Letter Icon

I'm apparently the only one
who remembers that, in the
dear dead days when Saturday
Night Live
was funny, they
used to run mock commercials.
At their best, they were
sufficiently well-produced
and deadpan as to suck you
in. Double-bladed shaving
blades had just been
introduced back then, as you
will (probably not) recall.
Anyway ... one of these mock
ads was for a triple-bladed
razor. One blade set up the
beard, one cut it, one
finished it, or some such. It
actually sounded and looked
plausible. Then the punch
line: "Triple Blade - because
you'll believe anything."

Surely somebody else
remembers this thing.

Alan Kornheiser


I don't know if you'll think
this is good news or not, but
not everyone who writes for
Suck is under 25. I
remember that fine parody ad.
The ads were the best
part of the show for several
years running. And I remember
thinking the first time I
saw a Mach3 TV ad, "Life sure
does imitate art." I think it
happens all the time - good
satire is good partly because
it's borderline-plausible.



Fish With Letter Icon


I loved the spoof of
Gillette. What with the
currency exchange rate the
way it is between South
Africa and the States, Gillette's
blades cost around 50 rands for a pack
of three, which is, well,
very sucky.

I started bitching about
Gillette in general and even
went to its Mach3 site to try
to give it some much earned
crappy feedback. You know:
"You're adding another blade?
How stupid do you think we
are? Blah blah blah ..." And
guess what? The feedback form
didn't work. It gave me an ASP
error. So I went to the main
Web site in the hope of
finding a feedback section
somewhere. I found one, clicked
on the link, and got - ta-da -
another ASP error. The
product must be really crappy
if Gillette has to disguise
its inability to accept
criticism as an ASP error!

Anyway, Natascha, who sits
next to me, told me about a
picture she had seen in one
of her design books of a
rabbit with its skin peeled
back by Gillette researchers,
so I took the liberty of
scanning in the pic and
sending it to you so you can
add some more dirt (you know,
just in case the current
generation doesn't know about
Gillette's nefarious

The scan is attached....

P.S. I'm not an animal activist
or anything (although
I do have a certain
affinity for rabbits). I'd
just like to see Gillette pay
for charging me a fortune for
its fucking pointless
marketing campaigns.


Marlin Forbes

50 rands for a pack of three?!
It's hard to believe they're
getting away with charging
50 rands. Wow, 50 rands.
I can remember when 50
rands was enough to buy a
house. Not a big house but
something respectable - you
know, with a guest bedroom
you wouldn't be ashamed to
put your parents in for a
long weekend and maybe
a swimming pool.

But that's rand for you.

P.S. thanks for the swell (if
unsolicited) bunny-vivisection
JPEG. I'll be throwing
out my hard drive now.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Re: OverBioEngerNear


Overengineering is a grand
thing; so is hype and
memetics. And riboflavin is

The truth is, I think you
have been reading too much
William Gibson.


I have
been reading too much William
Gibson, whose eyesight isn't
what it used to be. And
I've been reading too much
Neal Stephenson - the man
can't make out 36-point type
on a sunny day. I've also
been talking on the phone
tons to Bruce Sterling, who
seems to appreciate the
company more than the other

Thanks for writing.


Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes