The Fish
for 26 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
and
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Mock 3

Very funny. You ought to send
it to those pricks at
Gillette.

<corcutt1@maine.rr.com>

Christopher:

What I'm hearing from you is
that you're working with a
lot of unresolved anger.
Maybe this can be a safe
forum for you to vent some of
those feelings. Let's start
with Gillette, toward whom
you seem to be harboring a
certain amount of aggression.
What kind of thoughts does
Gillette bring to mind? Have
you ever been hurt by a razor
- really hurt?

I hope you'll feel open to
sharing, but remember, I
can't help you if you don't
want to be helped.

JC

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I'm apparently the only one
who remembers that, in the
dear dead days when Saturday
Night Live
was funny, they
used to run mock commercials.
At their best, they were
sufficiently well-produced
and deadpan as to suck you
in. Double-bladed shaving
blades had just been
introduced back then, as you
will (probably not) recall.
Anyway ... one of these mock
ads was for a triple-bladed
razor. One blade set up the
beard, one cut it, one
finished it, or some such. It
actually sounded and looked
plausible. Then the punch
line: "Triple Blade - because
you'll believe anything."

Surely somebody else
remembers this thing.

Alan Kornheiser
<askornheiser@prodigy.net>

Alan:

I don't know if you'll think
this is good news or not, but
not everyone who writes for
Suck is under 25. I
remember that fine parody ad.
The ads were the best
part of the show for several
years running. And I remember
thinking the first time I
saw a Mach3 TV ad, "Life sure
does imitate art." I think it
happens all the time - good
satire is good partly because
it's borderline-plausible.

Preachingly,

jc

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hi,

I loved the spoof of
Gillette. What with the
currency exchange rate the
way it is between South
Africa and the States, Gillette's
blades cost around 50 rands for a pack
of three, which is, well,
very sucky.

I started bitching about
Gillette in general and even
went to its Mach3 site to try
to give it some much earned
crappy feedback. You know:
"You're adding another blade?
How stupid do you think we
are? Blah blah blah ..." And
guess what? The feedback form
didn't work. It gave me an ASP
error. So I went to the main
Web site in the hope of
finding a feedback section
somewhere. I found one, clicked
on the link, and got - ta-da -
another ASP error. The
product must be really crappy
if Gillette has to disguise
its inability to accept
criticism as an ASP error!

Anyway, Natascha, who sits
next to me, told me about a
picture she had seen in one
of her design books of a
rabbit with its skin peeled
back by Gillette researchers,
so I took the liberty of
scanning in the pic and
sending it to you so you can
add some more dirt (you know,
just in case the current
generation doesn't know about
Gillette's nefarious
origins).

The scan is attached....

P.S. I'm not an animal activist
or anything (although
I do have a certain
affinity for rabbits). I'd
just like to see Gillette pay
for charging me a fortune for
its fucking pointless
marketing campaigns.

Regards,

Marlin Forbes
<mforbes@mweb.com>

50 rands for a pack of three?!
It's hard to believe they're
getting away with charging
50 rands. Wow, 50 rands.
I can remember when 50
rands was enough to buy a
house. Not a big house but
something respectable - you
know, with a guest bedroom
you wouldn't be ashamed to
put your parents in for a
long weekend and maybe
a swimming pool.

But that's rand for you.

P.S. thanks for the swell (if
unsolicited) bunny-vivisection
JPEG. I'll be throwing
out my hard drive now.

JC

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Re: OverBioEngerNear

JC:

Overengineering is a grand
thing; so is hype and
memetics. And riboflavin is
undervalued.

The truth is, I think you
have been reading too much
William Gibson.

Chris
<Christopher.Abraham@cio.treas.gov>

I have
been reading too much William
Gibson, whose eyesight isn't
what it used to be. And
I've been reading too much
Neal Stephenson - the man
can't make out 36-point type
on a sunny day. I've also
been talking on the phone
tons to Bruce Sterling, who
seems to appreciate the
company more than the other
two.

Thanks for writing.

jc

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Hit and Run

Boy, your editorial staff is
slipping! I just found
another typo in today's
column:

"And since the EULORGY for
Joe DiMaggio omitted the
notorious Frank
Sinatra-night-out
incident," ...

That makes two columns in the
last few weeks. You might
want to take the person
responsible for spell
checking out back and kick
his/her ass.

Lisa Welch
<LISA_WELCH@Peoplesoft.com>

Or you might want to look up
"portmanteau word" in your
Funk & Wagnells. Suck invents
and uses these often.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Another fun Hit and Run, but,
I can't believe you didn't
have a link for this Lebanese
smart-bomb, unlikely escape
incident ... I hadn't even
heard about it. But of course
now I'm dying to see the
footage. Where is it?

PS I really like your recent
innovation of actually
interviewing some of the
people you're making fun of.

xoxo,

Francisco Toro
<ftoro@mistral.co.uk>

I'm as frustrated as you are,
FT, but if the clip exists on
the Web, I can't find it. The
footage was in CNN's regular
news loop last weekend, and
their man in Jerusalem said
it was "widely shown" on TV.
So I was hoping
every-half-hour rotation on
the news network might mean a
critical mass of Suck readers
had seen it. I wasn't even
going to mention that story,
as it's probably of limited
interest anyway, but it
really does cast some doubt
on the reliability of all
those gun-camera
spectaculars. It looks like
they totally fragged the guy,
except that a split second
before the explosion there is
a change of camera angle,
which I guess might allow for
fudging. If anybody could
survive the hit they showed,
I'll never believe my own two
eyes again. The story of the
guy's survival was covered by
Arabic language papers at
least a day before CNN
started showing the clip -
with no mention of his having
survived. Which gives you an
indication of how little
follow through there is in
foreign affairs reporting,
most of which seems to
consist of rewriting local
news sources in English. The
same thing I did, basically;
I just used a different
source.

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

In my sad, pathetic life, I
depend on Suck to fill the
void. Imagine my surprise
when you mention the
super-duper, premature
reviews for The Onion. I was
one of the first ones there!
Woo-hoo! From the dozens
(very funny ones!) that were
submitted, there were just
two or three that said
anything relevant. The one I
submitted went on talking
about the oppressive military
industrial Oedipus complex
and finished with the proper
way of changing the cat's
litter box. And compared to
others, I was pretty much on
topic. Oh, I haven't bought
the book yet. So, I decided
to check it out again, and
guess what? They're all gone.
Every single one! I guess the
folks at Amazon.com have
their own Gestapo to filter
them out now. With all their
money, I suspect they'll be
picking up a small Central
American country next. What's
the price tag on Nicaragua
these days? Well, I was cool
for a day or two. Check out
my review for The Wasp
Factory.
(That one goes out
to a special someone out in
cyberspace. You know who you
are, sugar.) I slay myself!
Keep up the good work and
good luck with the plan on
making it on the NYSE. I'd
buy stock. I'd impress all my
friends (both of them) with
that!

PS Where's the corn?

Cheers,

Luis de Barros
<ldebarros@thunderbear.com>

I tell ya, Luis, the
revolution must truly be over
if we can use the word
"Gestapo" to describe
low-paid Amazon editors who
are just trying to keep
underemployed wiseacres from
ruining the usefulness of
their reader reviews. Why
just the other day a bunch of
jackbooted brown shirts tried
to stop me from taking a whiz
on some folio manuscripts at
the Folger Shakespeare
Library. It's like,
totalitarianism!

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Well, ya did it. You managed
to drop a reference to the
Lords of Death from Big
Trouble in Little China.

Who's responsible for that?
Give them a raise. Heck, give
all of yourselves raises.
Truly, this is a stunning
achievement. Even if no one
else on the planet
understands it, rest assured
that the pure enjoyment I
received from reading that
one sentence more than makes
up for the rest of the
cultural illiterates. (It also
makes up for the all the
crappy stuff I've ever read
on Suck, but we'll save that
for another time.) I'm still
laughing - this is truly your
crowning glory. Kurt Russell
is rolling over in his grave
(well, his career's grave),
bear my children, Suck for
emperor etc., etc. Thank you.

Son of a bitch must pay.

PS Oh yeah, the stuff about
Harvey Keitel jizzing in
Nicole Kidman's hair was
pretty good too. And no, I
don't blame him.

Chris Wright
<chris.wright@carswell.com>

Actually, frequent showings
on the USA Network have made
Big Trouble less of a
devotees-only item than it
was back in the '80s. For my
money, the most poignant
moment in this film (other
than John Carpenter's
self-penned title song) is Lo
Pan's lonely hearts
complaint: "You understand
the difficulties between men
and women. How seldom things
... work out."

Words to live by!

Yr pal,

Bartel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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