The Fish
for 25 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

Boy, your editorial staff is
slipping! I just found
another typo in today's

"And since the EULORGY for
Joe DiMaggio omitted the
notorious Frank
incident," ...

That makes two columns in the
last few weeks. You might
want to take the person
responsible for spell
checking out back and kick
his/her ass.

Lisa Welch

Or you might want to look up
"portmanteau word" in your
Funk & Wagnells. Suck invents
and uses these often.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Another fun Hit and Run, but,
I can't believe you didn't
have a link for this Lebanese
smart-bomb, unlikely escape
incident ... I hadn't even
heard about it. But of course
now I'm dying to see the
footage. Where is it?

PS I really like your recent
innovation of actually
interviewing some of the
people you're making fun of.


Francisco Toro

I'm as frustrated as you are,
FT, but if the clip exists on
the Web, I can't find it. The
footage was in CNN's regular
news loop last weekend, and
their man in Jerusalem said
it was "widely shown" on TV.
So I was hoping
every-half-hour rotation on
the news network might mean a
critical mass of Suck readers
had seen it. I wasn't even
going to mention that story,
as it's probably of limited
interest anyway, but it
really does cast some doubt
on the reliability of all
those gun-camera
spectaculars. It looks like
they totally fragged the guy,
except that a split second
before the explosion there is
a change of camera angle,
which I guess might allow for
fudging. If anybody could
survive the hit they showed,
I'll never believe my own two
eyes again. The story of the
guy's survival was covered by
Arabic language papers at
least a day before CNN
started showing the clip -
with no mention of his having
survived. Which gives you an
indication of how little
follow through there is in
foreign affairs reporting,
most of which seems to
consist of rewriting local
news sources in English. The
same thing I did, basically;
I just used a different

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

In my sad, pathetic life, I
depend on Suck to fill the
void. Imagine my surprise
when you mention the
super-duper, premature
reviews for The Onion. I was
one of the first ones there!
Woo-hoo! From the dozens
(very funny ones!) that were
submitted, there were just
two or three that said
anything relevant. The one I
submitted went on talking
about the oppressive military
industrial Oedipus complex
and finished with the proper
way of changing the cat's
litter box. And compared to
others, I was pretty much on
topic. Oh, I haven't bought
the book yet. So, I decided
to check it out again, and
guess what? They're all gone.
Every single one! I guess the
folks at have
their own Gestapo to filter
them out now. With all their
money, I suspect they'll be
picking up a small Central
American country next. What's
the price tag on Nicaragua
these days? Well, I was cool
for a day or two. Check out
my review for The Wasp
(That one goes out
to a special someone out in
cyberspace. You know who you
are, sugar.) I slay myself!
Keep up the good work and
good luck with the plan on
making it on the NYSE. I'd
buy stock. I'd impress all my
friends (both of them) with

PS Where's the corn?


Luis de Barros

I tell ya, Luis, the
revolution must truly be over
if we can use the word
"Gestapo" to describe
low-paid Amazon editors who
are just trying to keep
underemployed wiseacres from
ruining the usefulness of
their reader reviews. Why
just the other day a bunch of
jackbooted brown shirts tried
to stop me from taking a whiz
on some folio manuscripts at
the Folger Shakespeare
Library. It's like,

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Well, ya did it. You managed
to drop a reference to the
Lords of Death from Big
Trouble in Little China.

Who's responsible for that?
Give them a raise. Heck, give
all of yourselves raises.
Truly, this is a stunning
achievement. Even if no one
else on the planet
understands it, rest assured
that the pure enjoyment I
received from reading that
one sentence more than makes
up for the rest of the
cultural illiterates. (It also
makes up for the all the
crappy stuff I've ever read
on Suck, but we'll save that
for another time.) I'm still
laughing - this is truly your
crowning glory. Kurt Russell
is rolling over in his grave
(well, his career's grave),
bear my children, Suck for
emperor etc., etc. Thank you.

Son of a bitch must pay.

PS Oh yeah, the stuff about
Harvey Keitel jizzing in
Nicole Kidman's hair was
pretty good too. And no, I
don't blame him.

Chris Wright

Actually, frequent showings
on the USA Network have made
Big Trouble less of a
devotees-only item than it
was back in the '80s. For my
money, the most poignant
moment in this film (other
than John Carpenter's
self-penned title song) is Lo
Pan's lonely hearts
complaint: "You understand
the difficulties between men
and women. How seldom things
... work out."

Words to live by!

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

So ... now that Lolita has
been released in the United
States and you can rent it at
your friendly neighborhood
Blockbuster, have you changed
your mind any about the scene
in which Humbert's banging
Lolita while she reads the

David Daniel

No, unless he was banging her
while she was reading Family Circus.
I wrote the column based on
interviews and articles about
the film; it's not a review
of the film. And I have no
interest in seeing Lyne's
version. I've read the book
and seen Big Stan Kubrick's
version several times, but
those pictures of Frank
Langella playing Quilty look
abominable to me.

Furious George

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Wilty, Guilty


In my day, we had to
fantasize about covering
someone with whipped cream,
or perhaps butter. How about
some guilt over the plight of
the small dairy farmer who is
squeezed by giant
corporations on one side and
faddish niche markets on the

I feel really bad about
bringing it up. (Insert an
obvious pun about a lactose
intolerant licking dairy

Ned Kittlitz

Look, Ned. I've got enough
guilt to deal with as it is.
Besides, I'm as big a
supporter of faddish niche
markets as anyone. What would
our lives be without faddish
niche markets? What would we
build our dreams around
without some embodiment of
trendy or empty cool to

Farmers, shmarmers. Let
trend-driven capitalism reign
in all its horrifying glory!

Covetous but still a commie,


Fish With Letter Icon


In today's Filler, you wrote,
"Instead we just have to rent
Blade Runner again and

I don't really understand
this. Do you mean you rent it
but never finish watching it,
so guiltily you rent it again
and again or is there
something else?



Blade Runner is all about
depraved living in 2019 Los
Angeles. Instead of becoming
pedophiles and murderers, we
have to watch Blade Runner
again and again.

OK, it was a weak reference,
I'll admit it. I'm big enough
to admit when I screw up. I'm
strong enough to allow for
the occasional mistake. Hell,
I can even admit to a
constant stream of errors....

Less human than human,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You're not really
gay, are you?

Wow, one of my most enduring
and comforting fantasies has
suffered a crisis akin to
that which a balloon
experiences upon the
application of a pin.

Say it ain't so! ... And,
could you send me a few nudie
pix of yourself either way?


Not only am I gay, I'm a gay
man. Haven't you heard the
truth yet? Just keep in mind
that your lusting for me
indicates your true, deeply
buried homosexual urges. Let
them out; you'll be a lot

I'll send some good pix once
my man titties get a nice
springtime golden glow to


Fish With Letter Icon

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