The Fish
for 9 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Cage Match

While I share your disdain
for the excesses of Weyrich &
Co., I see them from an even
deeper level of paranoia than
you do. You ask if they
noticed they'd won a round
with the Contract on America.
They certainly did notice and
are trying to continue to use
the same tactics to win a few
more rounds. To wit: Their
endless complaints about the
"liberal bias" of the media
became the Big Lie of the
early '90s. They cast the
shameless pandering of the
corporate media to their
owners' interests as the
liberal enemy. By staking out
such an extreme position they
managed to make the already
conservative press look
moderate by comparison and
thereby shifted the whole
context of the debate.

Moderation or centrism was
redefined as Reagan
conservatism and liberalism
became Hubert Humphrey
centrism. Truly progressive
points of view -
single-payer, state-
administrated universal
health care, for instance -
were simply written out of
the debate. They won by
losing - to themselves. Now
they're at it again. Weyrich
is just a stalking-horse -
another Pat Buchanan - set up
to disguise the real
objective, which is to
increasingly frame the debate
in conservative terms. By
pushing the far right
boundary to absurd limits,
they hope to continue to move
the perceived center. Don't
underestimate the power of
absurd, nonsequiturian,
irrational thought to
influence national politics.
Those who did so in Germany
in the mid-1930s lived to
regret it - or didn't.

Don't look back.

Ned Depew

You may very well be on to
something here, but I
sincerely hope not. And I
choose not to credit Weyrich,
Bauer, Buchanan, et al. with
cleverness. I mean, I just
can't. See what I mean?

Keeping my fingers crossed,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

You can imagine the
great pain it causes me, an
atheist and somebody who
doesn't understand why
right-wing fundamentalists
get so touchy about
homosexuality, to say that -
gulp - Jerry Falwell was
right about Tinky Winky.

Tinky Winky is gay. To
someone like me, this is
terrific news. It gives me
great hope that maybe one day
no children will grow up with
a taste for beating the crap
out of homosexuals, tying
them to fence posts, etc. For
all I care, Tinky Winky could
have a very special friend
named Jeff who comes over on
Friday nights and doesn't
leave until Sunday.

What is so frightening about
Falwell is not that he thinks
(or says) Tinky Winky is gay,
but that he gives a rat's
ass. I mean, this man is
really bothered by it all.
That's the creepy part.

Tom Castle

Jeff would be disappointed -
Tinky Winky appears to have
no penis. But who knows what
goes on behind closed doors?

One possible hint: A friend
sent me a Teletubbies book
from Spain, El Bolso de Tinky
that shows the
Tinkster cavorting with a
vacuum cleaner. The vacuum
cleaner is pointing its
phallic cleaning hose at
Tinky's face, saying, "Sucky!
Sucky! Eslapy!" My Two
Daddies? Perhaps.

Wondering about Tigger and

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

French Tickler

1) Serge Gainsbourg wanted to
be a painter like
Gainsborough but he was a
singer. Serge Gainsbourg was
his stage name, his real name
was Lucien Ginzburg.

2) Geordie (the little
"singing" boy) was marketed
under the name Jordi by his
mum and dad.

3) Jacques Brel was born in
Brussels and is (was)
therefore very, very Belgian.
(Only a Belgian could have
written "Le plat pays.")


Dear Sir:

Apologies for the spelling
errors. And I'm glad you are
proud of Brel.


Fish With Letter Icon
Cage Match

Hello from Hartford!

Usually I don't bother to
write this type of note
because your articles are
always good, but I really
"enjoyed" today's. I use
quotes because I wonder if
you can really enjoy an
article about such brutality
and stupidity. Regardless, I
thought your analysis of
various global situations was
excellent. Thanks for giving
me one link I can recommend
to people!

Chris Pelsor

If we couldn't enjoy
brutality and terror, how
would all those studio
executives make a living? In
any event, you should never
apologize for enjoying Suck.
It keeps us going.

Well, that and a giant sack
of Benzedrine. But you see
what I'm saying.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The Official
Kornheiser Peace Plan

Dear AB:

An innocent person reading
your (very well-considered)
screed would conclude that
(1) killing people isn't a
very effective way of
building unity and that (2)
not killing people isn't a
very effective way of
building unity. The problem
remains that breaking is
easier than building, so
sending in men with automatic
weapons is always a plausible
response. Thus, when we don't
do it (as we didn't in
Africa), we are criticized;
when we do do it (as we did in
Iraq), we are criticized.
Mind you, all the criticism
is valid; still, it would be
nice to see some suggestions
that don't focus on killing
(or not killing) people.

To that end, I hereby propose
the Official Kornheiser
Middle East Peace Plan.
Amusingly enough, it would
probably work, though there
is no chance any of it would
actually be implemented:

1. Declare all of
northeastern Iraq Kurdistan.
Have the Turks support this
decision, with arms if
needed, in return for peace
in their Kurdish areas. Kurds
within Turkey agree to peace,
and get a homeland nearby and
the right to some limited
autonomy (and the right to
keep their own language and

2. Declare much of the rest
of eastern Iraq under Iranian
protection. Iran's borders
become much more secure and
the inhabitants are much
happier. Support the decision
with air power. Shared risks
and shared blood help unite
the United States and Iran,
who share much more than they

3. Declare much of southern
and southeastern Iraq a free
area administered by Kuwait.
Let the Kuwaitis pump the
oil, keep a (small) share for
their trouble, and donate the
rest to Arabs without oil
(Palestinians, mostly).
Encourage the Saudis to help
protect the area with their
air power in return for some
control over how much oil
gets pumped. Palestinians get
something to lose in case of
war and Iraq loses the
resources it needs to buy

4. Turn the rest of Iraq into
a theme park. Call it
Babylonia. The ruins are
incredible. (I have an open
invitation to visit from
Iraq's UN representative;
this would give me a chance
to take him up on it.) Let
Disney cut a deal.

You'll notice this system
relies less on killing people
than on giving (most) people
what they want. It would
work, I think. Sure beats

Alan S. Kornheiser

Except that bombs are much
prettier when they explode at
night. Especially on
television. They're all
orange-glittery and bright.

People are always quick to
forget the nice parts of war.
So sad.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Msr. Beers,

Great piece. Especially
enjoyed the dismissive,
offhand jab at Maureen Dowd.

One carp: The "roots of the
violence" in Rwanda were
"divisive racial notions and
odd borders from Belgium" and
"guns from France"? Those
probably would have seemed
like wispy genealogical
connections to those 10
UNAMIR soldiers being
tortured to death. Rather, I
bet they'd think, along with
me, that the overarchingly
important roots of violence
are violent motherfuckers.
Only individuals have ethical
agency; not nations, not
policies, and definitely not

Best regards,

Michael Fuchs

I'm inclined to agree - and
nothing forgives what the
violent motherfuckers in
question actually did - but
it also seems pretty clear
that there would be less
violence in the
underdeveloped world if the
developed world would stop
passing out weapons and
stirring up shit. It's like:
We poked him with a stick all
day - and then he turned

But, you're right, hardware
can't be blamed. Take Maureen
Dowd, for instance.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Mr. Beers,

I am sure you are having a
fine time in the cultural
cesspool, but with a name
like Ambrose how could it be
otherwise? Oh, I'll grant you
the last name, Beers, is
certainly manly and American,
but Ambrose tells the tale.

Nobody named Ambrose is
getting into my bunker. Well,
that is, if I had a bunker,
none would.

Mr. Weyrich is only to be
faulted for missing the news
about our cultural meltdown.
Cotton Mather identified it
over 300 years ago. I wonder
how he missed getting that

Robert Pierson


Please be assured I have no
desire to "get into your
bunker." I'm busy enough with
my own wretched scene. But I
am manly as hell, no question
- kudos for catching it.

As for Cotton Mather: Right
idea, but no fundraising
database or satellite
network. His fault for
working with primitive media.

Circling the drain,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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