The Fish
for 8 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Cage Match

Hello from Hartford!

Usually I don't bother to
write this type of note
because your articles are
always good, but I really
"enjoyed" today's. I use
quotes because I wonder if
you can really enjoy an
article about such brutality
and stupidity. Regardless, I
thought your analysis of
various global situations was
excellent. Thanks for giving
me one link I can recommend
to people!

Chris Pelsor

If we couldn't enjoy
brutality and terror, how
would all those studio
executives make a living? In
any event, you should never
apologize for enjoying Suck.
It keeps us going.

Well, that and a giant sack
of Benzedrine. But you see
what I'm saying.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The Official
Kornheiser Peace Plan

Dear AB:

An innocent person reading
your (very well-considered)
screed would conclude that
(1) killing people isn't a
very effective way of
building unity and that (2)
not killing people isn't a
very effective way of
building unity. The problem
remains that breaking is
easier than building, so
sending in men with automatic
weapons is always a plausible
response. Thus, when we don't
do it (as we didn't in
Africa), we are criticized;
when we do do it (as we did in
Iraq), we are criticized.
Mind you, all the criticism
is valid; still, it would be
nice to see some suggestions
that don't focus on killing
(or not killing) people.

To that end, I hereby propose
the Official Kornheiser
Middle East Peace Plan.
Amusingly enough, it would
probably work, though there
is no chance any of it would
actually be implemented:

1. Declare all of
northeastern Iraq Kurdistan.
Have the Turks support this
decision, with arms if
needed, in return for peace
in their Kurdish areas. Kurds
within Turkey agree to peace,
and get a homeland nearby and
the right to some limited
autonomy (and the right to
keep their own language and

2. Declare much of the rest
of eastern Iraq under Iranian
protection. Iran's borders
become much more secure and
the inhabitants are much
happier. Support the decision
with air power. Shared risks
and shared blood help unite
the United States and Iran,
who share much more than they

3. Declare much of southern
and southeastern Iraq a free
area administered by Kuwait.
Let the Kuwaitis pump the
oil, keep a (small) share for
their trouble, and donate the
rest to Arabs without oil
(Palestinians, mostly).
Encourage the Saudis to help
protect the area with their
air power in return for some
control over how much oil
gets pumped. Palestinians get
something to lose in case of
war and Iraq loses the
resources it needs to buy

4. Turn the rest of Iraq into
a theme park. Call it
Babylonia. The ruins are
incredible. (I have an open
invitation to visit from
Iraq's UN representative;
this would give me a chance
to take him up on it.) Let
Disney cut a deal.

You'll notice this system
relies less on killing people
than on giving (most) people
what they want. It would
work, I think. Sure beats

Alan S. Kornheiser

Except that bombs are much
prettier when they explode at
night. Especially on
television. They're all
orange-glittery and bright.

People are always quick to
forget the nice parts of war.
So sad.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Msr. Beers,

Great piece. Especially
enjoyed the dismissive,
offhand jab at Maureen Dowd.

One carp: The "roots of the
violence" in Rwanda were
"divisive racial notions and
odd borders from Belgium" and
"guns from France"? Those
probably would have seemed
like wispy genealogical
connections to those 10
UNAMIR soldiers being
tortured to death. Rather, I
bet they'd think, along with
me, that the overarchingly
important roots of violence
are violent motherfuckers.
Only individuals have ethical
agency; not nations, not
policies, and definitely not

Best regards,

Michael Fuchs

I'm inclined to agree - and
nothing forgives what the
violent motherfuckers in
question actually did - but
it also seems pretty clear
that there would be less
violence in the
underdeveloped world if the
developed world would stop
passing out weapons and
stirring up shit. It's like:
We poked him with a stick all
day - and then he turned

But, you're right, hardware
can't be blamed. Take Maureen
Dowd, for instance.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Mr. Beers,

I am sure you are having a
fine time in the cultural
cesspool, but with a name
like Ambrose how could it be
otherwise? Oh, I'll grant you
the last name, Beers, is
certainly manly and American,
but Ambrose tells the tale.

Nobody named Ambrose is
getting into my bunker. Well,
that is, if I had a bunker,
none would.

Mr. Weyrich is only to be
faulted for missing the news
about our cultural meltdown.
Cotton Mather identified it
over 300 years ago. I wonder
how he missed getting that

Robert Pierson


Please be assured I have no
desire to "get into your
bunker." I'm busy enough with
my own wretched scene. But I
am manly as hell, no question
- kudos for catching it.

As for Cotton Mather: Right
idea, but no fundraising
database or satellite
network. His fault for
working with primitive media.

Circling the drain,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon
Yawn at the Devil


Youre completely cool,,, I'm
way fu ked right now,. but I
klnow that youre the

David Lee roth was born and
REARED in Bloomington, IN,
wherre I'm sequestered right
now, enduring the academic
rigors of IU...... He>is the
anti-chtrist, wqhich :I k ow
I can't evne spell right now,
But so is everyone,,,
including me .... THE
ANTICHRIST wll come ffrom IUJ
and it will fuck up


Sorrty for this drunbk

Don't apologize for reading
drunk, Neil. If all Suck
readers followed your
example, they'd probably get
a lot more enjoyment out of
the publication.


Fish With Letter Icon


I enjoyed yesterday's column,
funny but a bit

I think part of the reason I
moved to Brazil is because of
people like Falwell. Where
did you get that "Of course
he (the antichrist) will be
Jewish" quote from? Is
Reagan's favorite preacher
really worked up about a
bunch of sexoholic simians? I
assumed that was a joke, but
with Falwell you never can
tell, and, being way south of
the Rio Grande, it's hard to
keep current. And what about
C3PO, R2D2, Bert and Ernie,

About 10 years ago I heard a
story on the radio that I
think you'd appreciate. Jimmy
(Lee) Swaggart, Jerry Lee
Lewis, and Mickey Gilly are
first cousins, but were
raised almost as brothers -
learning piano, playing, and
going to church together. For
years Swaggart went on TV
about how his cousin Jerry
was a tragic example of
someone tempted away from the
"righteous path" by the
Devil. When Swaggart at first
vehemently denied but then
had to admit that he'd been
getting blow jobs from a
whore*, The Killer got a
chance to even up the score.
A few days after his pious
cousin's crying confessional,
he was giving a show in LA
and made his first comments
on the controversy: "Well, I
spoke with my cousin Jimmy
the other day and well ... it
was the first time since the
news broke, and well ... I
just had to ask him about
it.... I said, 'Jimmy, I
thought we had ourselves an
agreement. I wouldn't mess
with your kinda woman and you
wouldn't mess with mine!'"

*A Southerner of humble
origins who rises to fame and
power; accusations of
adulterous fellatio;
unequivocal denials followed
by a confession, apologies,
and bids for forgiveness; a
near fall from power - does
this story sound familiar?

Leonard F. Colby

Falwell made the antichrist
remark while addressing a
crowd at a conference on
evangelism. All the rest of
Falwell's targets within
"Yawn at the Devil" were
either the product of my
imagination or my
extrasensory perception -
only time will tell.


Fish With Letter Icon

Well, it was about time
somebody exhumed David Lee
Roth! Who's next?


Exhumed? Diamond Dave has
never departed - and has in
fact grown even more
interesting over the years.
His autobiography, Crazy from
the Heat,
comes highly


Fish With Letter Icon

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