The Fish
for 4 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run

You cannot know how happy it
makes me to see the phrase
"loutish war criminal Henry
Kissinger" spread far and
wide (at least by Suck
standards). Could you perhaps
start a war criminals gallery
akin to the Net Moguls thing?
You could restrict it to
Americans so as not to seem
high and mighty to your
overseas readers. I can't
imagine you would run out of
candidates for quite some
time, if ever.

kill kill kill,


Very interesting. How about a
"Known Sexual Offenders"
gallery? Or a "Mean Daddy"

There are so many
possibilities. The mind
races. The heart races.

To the races!


Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: The Year 10,000

Jonathan Miller wrote:

Isn't it time to start
worrying about the Y10K
problem? It's only 800 years

Jonathan Miller

Eight hundred years from now,
it will be 2799. And
math will still be important.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

More Mike Davis and Cheese,


Did you see it? You got
called tools of the media

BTW, is there a source that
actually checked all the
footnotes in the book, in
order to gauge the extent, if
any, of Davis'
exaggeration/fraud? There's
nothing like anecdotal
evidence from all sides to
confuse a muddled college

The Management of the DFN

They not only called us tools
of the media establishment,
but tools of the wrong media
establishment. Contrary to
what was said in The Nation,
Suck has not been affiliated
with Wired magazine for
almost a year.

I thought the most
interesting part of the
Westwater files was his
demonstration that the Bunker
Hill development was not the
armed concentration camp
described by Davis (and in
the text of his book, not the
footnotes). While Brady's
personality may not win him
many friends, he has pretty
effectively been shown to be
accurate on this point and
many others.

But you're right. The whole
thing has gotten into a lot
of secondhand verbal
Ping-Pong. We're sorry we
brought the whole thing up.
But we still say LA is OK!

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Sorry, you lost me with one
visit. When advertising
banners are flashing at me
anywhere on the Web page (in
this case over an inch of the
bottom of my 15-inch screen),
I am so irritated and
distracted, my knee-jerk
reaction is to leave the site
as quickly as I can. And I


Oh dear! Apparently you're
under the impression that
there is such a thing as a
free lunch!

Seek therapy immediately, or
alternately, send us a
one-time payment of US$500, and
we'll put a special ad-free
edition of Suck up at
Plus we'll throw in a free
personal phone call from the
Suckster of your choice, at
home or work! He or she will
whisper five minutes of sweet
nothings in your ear or tell
you to fuck off - whichever
you like!

Wait, did we mention your
complimentary Fuck You
Custard Pie? It's in the

Enjoy! - or - Goodbye!


Fish With Letter Icon
Send out the Clowns

Surely you don't really
believe Belushi and Chase
were never really funny.
Chase stopped being funny a
long, long time ago, but
hell, even Fletch Lives had a
few laughs in it. I noticed
Bill Murray was conspicuously
absent from your skewer. Does
this mean Mr. Murray passes
the Sucksters' "What have you
done for me lately?" litmus
test, or are you just busy
preparing an entire daily
devoted to that stink bomb of
a movie he did with that

As for the homeless shelter
in which Garrett Morris is
currently residing, it's the
WB, the network that has the
balls to simultaneously thumb
its nose at the baby-boomer
demographic and any
aspirations to quality
programming. Mr. Morris
co-stars on The Jamie Foxx
on the WB's It's a Black
Thing, Your Advertisers
Wouldn't Understand
While this is a sad
commentary on Mr. Morris'
career, such as it is or ever
was, it may be infinitely
preferable to what's
happening to Mssrs. Chase and
Aykroyd. They have had a much
larger audience for their
decomposition, without the
benefit of Sarah Michelle
Gellar's exquisite cleavage
as a lead-in.

Yours in a peaceful blue

Ty Webb

Belushi funny? Well, sure, he
died funny, but say
"cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger," enough times
fast, and I think you'll come
around to my side of the
mountain. Alas, in this
postdrug world, there isn't
enough pot in Thailand to
make Chevy Chase funny
(though his late-night show
was a LAFF RIOT). As I
pointed out in my piece,
glowing Ty, Murray was not an
original cast member; true to
form, he's still actually
funny on occasion, even when
stepping in it big time (that
elephant flick, anyone?). Glad
to hear Garrett M. has found
shelter on the WB; no doubt
it was getting cold on that

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Lighten up, chum.

George Carlin's latest
stand-up show was as funny
and subversive as ever. No
sign of senility, and he beat
you to the punch on making
fun of his long-distance ads.

Richard Pryor was funny way
past 1980.

And I think you crossed the
line with Chevy Chase. That
was downright vicious. Plus,
you never even mentioned

You can have all the others,
except Steve Martin. Go read
Pure Drivel. And his New
stuff is great.

You tried too hard to prove
your point, and you reamed a
lot of folks who don't
deserve it.

Matthew Harding

Dear Mad King,

There's no accounting for
taste, as your namesake amply
proved. Let the dead bury the
dead. Carlin is indeed as
subversive as he's ever been.
Maybe more so: He really used
to lay into old Sir Topham
Hat - fascist landlord
bastard! - on Shining Time
Hell, he even
dressed like Lenin, right
down to the li'l' cap. Just
wait until Thomas and his
comrades realize they're
being exploited.

Did I forget to mention
Fletch? An oversight: Fletch
sucked, too. Give me Chevy
and Benji (Oh, Heavenly Dog!)
or Chevy and the midgets
(Under the Rainbow) or Chevy
and Dan (Spies Like Us) -
movies, like old Sucks, that
just get better with time.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Hate Mail!

Dear Polly,

um, what's a refrigerator

it sounds like a good insult,
but I'd like to know what I'm
calling people.


Andrew Horwitz

I don't know what a
refrigerator monkey is. My
friend Steve called some of
his friends refrigerator
monkeys, and it sounded like
a good insult, so I repeated
it. I asked him what it
meant, and he said, "I don't
know, but it sounds good,
doesn't it?"

We're just so zany, aren't


Fish With Letter Icon

A better line than "I didn't
know you were into
needlepoint" is "I've smoked
joints fatter than that."

From one bitter chick to
another, your columns make me
laugh until I cry.

maribeth burkley

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yesyesyes.

Screaming "Mommy,"


Fish With Letter Icon

I love it when Suck features
you in cartoon form, but this
time around there were no
shots of you smoking a crack
pipe. What's up with that?
What determines whether or
not your cartoon image should
be hitting the pipe? Also,
who came up with the idea,
you or Terry Colon?

Jake Denley

I determine the dosage. It
was my idea. You'll note,
though, that Terry needs a
little instruction on what a
crack pipe actually looks


Fish With Letter Icon

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