The Fish
for 2 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Send out
the Clowns

Usually I turn to Suck for
that amusing bit of empty
cynical fluff that drifts
upon breezes over the heads
of my family and co-workers.
It isn't positive or negative
so much as incisive, witty,
and true. I was really
disappointed when I got to
the end of the endless
bashing to find that the
article was less witty than
true and only half true at
that. (Does that not make it
"Halfwitty?") As far as
incisions go, I charge this
as malpractice or teenage
knife fight. And for all the
loftiness of the ethereal
comedy... the article suffered
from a lack of punch line.
One might argue it wasn't
comedy, though I suggest it
was indeed a joke.

Complaining about George
Carlin barking out 10-10-220
seems pretty fucking whiny to
me. (I wonder what Seinfeld
thinks about it.) If this era
of comedy passing makes you
shudder, I suggest you need
a) thicker skin, b) a way to
turn off your television so
as to avoid syndicated
programs, or c) a soul (or at
least some way of relating to
human beings). Oh, and don't
go near a bloody Blockbuster
- I hear they're chock full
o' lameness-you-never-heard-of.

Timing is everything. Ol'
Cheech 'n' Chong, George,
Steve, etc., were funny at a
time. Fortunately, I had the
wit to avoid pathetic
pandering during any of these
comedian's waning days, and I
respect the work they did at
the moment it was amusing,
whatever my state of mind or

While on the topic of timing,
it would be nice to
contemplate the perishability
of the article itself, which
will be forgotten long before
the last of the toothless
comedians calls the final
curtain, and will remain
exactly as unfunny as the day
it was written.

Roxanne, Baron von
Munchausen, The search for
signs of intelligent life ...

Bah! Mean people suck.


Like it gets any emptier,
more cynical, or fluffier
than this? Roxanne, BVM,
SFSOIL? Hey, in California,
that's three strikes and
you're out. Lockup time at
Pelican Bay, where the Cyrano
nose should keep 'em larfin'
bloody well, guv'nor. Last
time I checked, BTW, Jerry
Seinfeld - whose stand-up
shtick has all the punch of
Gerry Cooney - wasn't
claiming to speak
truth to power à la
Comrade Carlin.

If mean people bring you
down, take an ambulance to
see Patch Adams - the
feel-good hit of the year.
And don't be surprised if
that happy clown doesn't
deliver a little boy called
Oscar! Five Stars!

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

I read Suck every day and
like most of it, but that was
the funniest fucking
column (16 February) I
have read in ages.
Keep up the great work.


Mega-Shazbats to you, you
fucking idiot.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Dying is easy. Comedy is


Weren't those Lenny Bruce's
last words, just before he
died on the crapper? I still
can't forgive that lovable
old junkie for that Bob Dylan
song on Shot of Love.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Engage Brain Before
You Put Your Mouth into Gear.

Saying something don't mean
you got something to say.

Lionel Cartwright

Case in point.

Fish With Letter Icon
Guilty as Charged

Subject: When I grow up I
wanna be just like Judge Joe

I hadn't read this issue of
Suck before, but last night I
made my peace with the
judges. They're good for us.
I enjoy watching small-minded,
emotion-ridden bullshit fall
before the relatively
pristine logic of the judge.

Example (paraphrased):

On last night's Judge Mills
there was a case where
this guy wouldn't
give his daughter her beeper
back. The guy and his
daughter were jabbering
compulsively about jealousy,
phone calls, spying, and all
sorts of other shit when
Mills Lane raised his gavel
and intoned,

"Sir, you haven't answered my
question. If you had this
gavel and it belonged to me
and I asked for it back, what
would you do?" The dad
jabbered a bit more and
realized that throughout most
of the kingdom of God, the
correct answer is to give it
back, which the dad finally
admitted. Then the dad
smashed the beeper on the
floor and threw it at the

Pushing a guy over the edge
like that is my idea of
justice. Moreover, seeing
situations stripped of
conditional BS and
justifications and stripped
of the kind of solipsism
people cling to in order to
dupe themselves into
believing they're right and
decent provides a great
renewal of faith. Believe it
or not, in some sad and
twisted way, Judge Judy is
comfort TV.

Chris Neal

Yeah. We should all just
whine like babies when things
don't suit us and we'd all be
much, much clearer on what
we're all thinking and
feeling. Granted we'd all
spend most of our time alone
so as to avoid a world of
whining and temper tantrums

Um. Whatever.

Hungry and soiled, Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: My So-Called Degree

Do you need any
mathematicians? I'm getting
my master's this spring, and
thanks to the movie Pi, I
can't find an employer who
doesn't think I'm going to
stick a drill bit into my
head. Thanks, indie-film

Tyler Dickson

We don't need any
mathematicians, but we could
use a working-class history
scholar with frat-boy good
looks who likes to run around
telling smarmy jokes and
grabbing ass and saying cute
things like, "Do you like
apples? Well I got her number
- how 'bout them apples?"
We'd prefer one who's really
sifting through his emotional
wreckage with a searing
intensity, so much so that
now and then he breaks down
and cries, just because he
hasn't let the pain out in so

But all you math geniuses are
like that, right?

Quivering in anticipation,

Fish With Letter Icon

Scaling Mount Rushmore

Subject: Am I the first ...

... to tell you that you
forgot to mention the view of
the backside of Mt. Rushmore?
Once you've seen it, you'll
never look at this monument
to imperialism and genocide
the same way again.

Dana Parker

Congratulations! You're the

Your free Fuck You Custard
Pie is in the mail!

Fish With Letter Icon

Papal Bull

you stupid fuck. you know
only a shit pebble of history
and you think you can write
an article about the Pope and
the Catholic Church like
the one at

when your father had his dick
shoved down your throat when
you were a child, he must
have deprived your brain of

do everyone a favor and find
a new job. you aren't
different, you aren't witty,
you aren't alternative, you
aren't cool. you are just
platypus shit floating

your bitch mom

Platypus shit! You're so

Fish With Letter Icon

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