The Fish
for 1 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Guilty as Charged

Subject: When I grow up I
wanna be just like Judge Joe

I hadn't read this issue of
Suck before, but last night I
made my peace with the
judges. They're good for us.
I enjoy watching small-minded,
emotion-ridden bullshit fall
before the relatively
pristine logic of the judge.

Example (paraphrased):

On last night's Judge Mills
there was a case where
this guy wouldn't
give his daughter her beeper
back. The guy and his
daughter were jabbering
compulsively about jealousy,
phone calls, spying, and all
sorts of other shit when
Mills Lane raised his gavel
and intoned,

"Sir, you haven't answered my
question. If you had this
gavel and it belonged to me
and I asked for it back, what
would you do?" The dad
jabbered a bit more and
realized that throughout most
of the kingdom of God, the
correct answer is to give it
back, which the dad finally
admitted. Then the dad
smashed the beeper on the
floor and threw it at the

Pushing a guy over the edge
like that is my idea of
justice. Moreover, seeing
situations stripped of
conditional BS and
justifications and stripped
of the kind of solipsism
people cling to in order to
dupe themselves into
believing they're right and
decent provides a great
renewal of faith. Believe it
or not, in some sad and
twisted way, Judge Judy is
comfort TV.

Chris Neal

Yeah. We should all just
whine like babies when things
don't suit us and we'd all be
much, much clearer on what
we're all thinking and
feeling. Granted we'd all
spend most of our time alone
so as to avoid a world of
whining and temper tantrums

Um. Whatever.

Hungry and soiled, Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: My So-Called Degree

Do you need any
mathematicians? I'm getting
my master's this spring, and
thanks to the movie Pi, I
can't find an employer who
doesn't think I'm going to
stick a drill bit into my
head. Thanks, indie-film

Tyler Dickson

We don't need any
mathematicians, but we could
use a working-class history
scholar with frat-boy good
looks who likes to run around
telling smarmy jokes and
grabbing ass and saying cute
things like, "Do you like
apples? Well I got her number
- how 'bout them apples?"
We'd prefer one who's really
sifting through his emotional
wreckage with a searing
intensity, so much so that
now and then he breaks down
and cries, just because he
hasn't let the pain out in so

But all you math geniuses are
like that, right?

Quivering in anticipation,

Fish With Letter Icon

Scaling Mount Rushmore

Subject: Am I the first ...

... to tell you that you
forgot to mention the view of
the backside of Mt. Rushmore?
Once you've seen it, you'll
never look at this monument
to imperialism and genocide
the same way again.

Dana Parker

Congratulations! You're the

Your free Fuck You Custard
Pie is in the mail!

Fish With Letter Icon

Papal Bull

you stupid fuck. you know
only a shit pebble of history
and you think you can write
an article about the Pope and
the Catholic Church like
the one at

when your father had his dick
shoved down your throat when
you were a child, he must
have deprived your brain of

do everyone a favor and find
a new job. you aren't
different, you aren't witty,
you aren't alternative, you
aren't cool. you are just
platypus shit floating

your bitch mom

Platypus shit! You're so

Fish With Letter Icon
Guilty As Charged

Subject: On the Benefits
of Contemporary Media

Since I've started reading
Suck, my goiter's
disappeared, I have more zip
in the morning, I don't
forget where my keys are, and
I don't feel the crushing
sense of ennui that once
defined my existence.

Where should I send the


Funny, I've been reading Suck
for over three years myself,
and yet the crushing sense of
ennui that defines my
existence is still
flourishing. But if you
really want to spend some
money, I encourage you to buy
the Suck book.


Fish With Letter Icon

St. Huck,

I ragged you last week for
your use of overly ornate
language. You were kind
enough to respond. To show
that I am a just and fair
person, I'd like to offer my
applause for today's
perspective. I must say, I
believe the proliferation of
shows like Judge Judy is the
answer to our nation's
struggle with violent crime
about as much as I believe
that Fox airs World's
Scariest Police Chases
as a
30-minute long PSA
enlightening us to the
dangers of arrest evasion.
However, credit is due for a
quote that, unfortunately, I
feel is destined to become a
pro-censorship mantra:

"If TV executives really
believe the images they
broadcast have no impact on
us, how come they charge so
much for commercials?"

Truly profound. My most
sincere commendations!

Steve Kling

I think you need to send a
letter to your local Fox
affiliate - it sounds as if
they're robbing you of half
of World's Scariest Police
each week. Demand the
full hour!

Re: pro-censorship mantras -
have no fear. I doubt that
anyone from Morality in Media
or the American Family
Association is monitoring
Suck too closely.


Fish With Letter Icon

That was so good. Sorry, so
fucking good. And Polly's
barbs were right on as well.
You guys are on
right now; you've caught a
wave. Maybe a particularly
good shipment of crack is
going through SF right now.

This week's leap of faith,
the thing that gives your
articles that third
dimension, is that these
shows are resulting in
reduced crime. I know I'm
just supposed to believe and
read on, but I want proof.
Fascinating theory.


No, no proof. One could
probably make a case that the
shows actually encourage
crime or at least
less-than-honorable behavior
regarding loans to your best
friend, etc. - anything to
land a spot on the shows and
subject oneself to the
vengeful justice of Judges
Judy and Joe.



Fish With Letter Icon

I have to wonder about the
point made at the conclusion
of this column. You are
kidding (!) when you suggest
that big corporations spend
money advertising to the
and-loaf crowd?

Then again, at US$8,000 for a 30-
second spot, this is a
perfect place to boost hits
on your site, as we know all
the folks that have gone
through Computer Specialist
training now have the
computers they built during
their "high-tech" training!


Well, why not? Poor, lazy
people need their Coke and
Taco Bell gorditas too.

You are right on the money
there: Do you have any
interest in becoming Suck's
marketing director?

Speaking with no hiring
authority at all,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Daily 2/12

Right arm, Huck. Sphincterish
mouth, indeed. I'm still
waiting for some retired fop
to post nude photos of Judge
Judy on the Internet so that
she, like Dr. Laura, can wave
off the accusations and
implications like circling


Judge Judy doesn't strike me
as the type who would have
ever gone robeless in front
of the cameras. Ed Koch,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Media and violence,
you say?

I was perusing your
fascinating article regarding
the media's behavioral
influence on people,
specifically the reference to
television shows driving
people to violent acts. While
I must admit your story was
truly absorbing, it did not
take long before the ad
banner in that neat little
frame below the content began
to antagonize me. I noticed,
while reading about Bobo, the
incessant hopping of an
animated Beanie Baby in an ad

It almost subconsciously
drove me to commit violent
acts against my computer.

There, that's relevant, isn't it?


Actually, that ad was
designed to make you buy a
Beanie Baby, not fuck up your
computer. But if Suck were to
feature five or six of those
Beanie Baby ads at once, do
you think you'd actually go
ahead and destroy your
computer? If yes, I think
Suck could maybe explore a
joint ad venture with and, say, Dell. You
know that we're always
looking for ways to "go
beyond the banner" and
deliver more value to our


Fish With Letter Icon

thrill kill was canned by EA
when they bought virgin's
backcatalogue, and i'll tell
you why. it's fucking awful.
i played a copy of it that my
friend downloaded and burned.
it's so unimaginably bad it's
hard to explain.


i guess its hard-to-explain
awfulness is why the
videogame press mostly said
it was canned due to its
explicit content. those
videogame journalists are so


Fish With Letter Icon

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