The Fish
for 26 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Guilty As Charged

Subject: On the Benefits
of Contemporary Media

Since I've started reading
Suck, my goiter's
disappeared, I have more zip
in the morning, I don't
forget where my keys are, and
I don't feel the crushing
sense of ennui that once
defined my existence.

Where should I send the


Funny, I've been reading Suck
for over three years myself,
and yet the crushing sense of
ennui that defines my
existence is still
flourishing. But if you
really want to spend some
money, I encourage you to buy
the Suck book.


Fish With Letter Icon

St. Huck,

I ragged you last week for
your use of overly ornate
language. You were kind
enough to respond. To show
that I am a just and fair
person, I'd like to offer my
applause for today's
perspective. I must say, I
believe the proliferation of
shows like Judge Judy is the
answer to our nation's
struggle with violent crime
about as much as I believe
that Fox airs World's
Scariest Police Chases
as a
30-minute long PSA
enlightening us to the
dangers of arrest evasion.
However, credit is due for a
quote that, unfortunately, I
feel is destined to become a
pro-censorship mantra:

"If TV executives really
believe the images they
broadcast have no impact on
us, how come they charge so
much for commercials?"

Truly profound. My most
sincere commendations!

Steve Kling

I think you need to send a
letter to your local Fox
affiliate - it sounds as if
they're robbing you of half
of World's Scariest Police
each week. Demand the
full hour!

Re: pro-censorship mantras -
have no fear. I doubt that
anyone from Morality in Media
or the American Family
Association is monitoring
Suck too closely.


Fish With Letter Icon

That was so good. Sorry, so
fucking good. And Polly's
barbs were right on as well.
You guys are on
right now; you've caught a
wave. Maybe a particularly
good shipment of crack is
going through SF right now.

This week's leap of faith,
the thing that gives your
articles that third
dimension, is that these
shows are resulting in
reduced crime. I know I'm
just supposed to believe and
read on, but I want proof.
Fascinating theory.


No, no proof. One could
probably make a case that the
shows actually encourage
crime or at least
less-than-honorable behavior
regarding loans to your best
friend, etc. - anything to
land a spot on the shows and
subject oneself to the
vengeful justice of Judges
Judy and Joe.



Fish With Letter Icon

I have to wonder about the
point made at the conclusion
of this column. You are
kidding (!) when you suggest
that big corporations spend
money advertising to the
and-loaf crowd?

Then again, at US$8,000 for a 30-
second spot, this is a
perfect place to boost hits
on your site, as we know all
the folks that have gone
through Computer Specialist
training now have the
computers they built during
their "high-tech" training!


Well, why not? Poor, lazy
people need their Coke and
Taco Bell gorditas too.

You are right on the money
there: Do you have any
interest in becoming Suck's
marketing director?

Speaking with no hiring
authority at all,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Daily 2/12

Right arm, Huck. Sphincterish
mouth, indeed. I'm still
waiting for some retired fop
to post nude photos of Judge
Judy on the Internet so that
she, like Dr. Laura, can wave
off the accusations and
implications like circling


Judge Judy doesn't strike me
as the type who would have
ever gone robeless in front
of the cameras. Ed Koch,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Media and violence,
you say?

I was perusing your
fascinating article regarding
the media's behavioral
influence on people,
specifically the reference to
television shows driving
people to violent acts. While
I must admit your story was
truly absorbing, it did not
take long before the ad
banner in that neat little
frame below the content began
to antagonize me. I noticed,
while reading about Bobo, the
incessant hopping of an
animated Beanie Baby in an ad

It almost subconsciously
drove me to commit violent
acts against my computer.

There, that's relevant, isn't it?


Actually, that ad was
designed to make you buy a
Beanie Baby, not fuck up your
computer. But if Suck were to
feature five or six of those
Beanie Baby ads at once, do
you think you'd actually go
ahead and destroy your
computer? If yes, I think
Suck could maybe explore a
joint ad venture with and, say, Dell. You
know that we're always
looking for ways to "go
beyond the banner" and
deliver more value to our


Fish With Letter Icon

thrill kill was canned by EA
when they bought virgin's
backcatalogue, and i'll tell
you why. it's fucking awful.
i played a copy of it that my
friend downloaded and burned.
it's so unimaginably bad it's
hard to explain.


i guess its hard-to-explain
awfulness is why the
videogame press mostly said
it was canned due to its
explicit content. those
videogame journalists are so


Fish With Letter Icon
Filler: Popular Mechanics


Just kinda wondering: Into
what "dork/nondork" pattern
do you fit?

From your current level of
bitterness, I'd assume you're
still sniping on account of
hurts experienced in high
school, à la type 2. Do
cartoon characters go to high
school? Do they go to

I'm tempted to also guess
type 4, the scrapper, but I
just can't imagine you ever
succeeding at being popular
at all. Hey, that didn't come
out too nice. Oh well.

Also, does this guide to
personality apply to humans
or just cartoon characters?

I was trying to figure out
what type I fit into, and
then I realized I'm still in
college, which is
indistinguishable from high
school. I'm still in the
middle of the process. I
shouldn't worry my pretty
little head.


I'm a scrapper. I fully
recognize the dreadfulness of
that, but I cannot tell a
lie. I slowly climbed upward,
then hated everyone at the
top. Including myself.

But you know what? They
weren't so bad. Not as bad as

Here's about where you are:

dork---> semi-nondork--->
popular---> hateful recluse--->
COLLEGE! WOO-HOO! (you are here) --->
alienated asshole ---> big dork --->
bigger dork ---> cartoon character

See how it works?


Thanks for writing!


Fish With Letter Icon
Dear Polly,

I know you guys are always
saying how you hate it when
people write and say, "I
wanna work at Suck; it would
be so cool." But I really
think that I have my finger
on the kind of hip, modern
humor young people today
like, even though I'm in my
30s. For example, the other
night, me and a bunch of my
friends were watching this
show about the rise in
popularity of nontraditional
medicine. They explained that
even some hospitals now
employ holistic healers. At
this point I cupped my hand
over my mouth so it would
sound like a hospital
loudspeaker and said in a
deadpan monotone: "Paging
Doctor Crackpot." Man, we
just fell about the place.

Then a couple of minutes later
this guy in a commercial
said, "Hey kids, guess what I
have in this bag?" Without
missing a beat I shouted out,
"A human head?" My one friend
almost pissed himself

I'm full of quips like that.

John Griffiths

I hope to God, for your own
sake, that this letter is one
of them.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Yeah, I was a geek,

Thank you, Polly, for this
week's Filler. Type 3, The
Tinkerer, might as well have
had my name on it. For years
I was labeled "damned
strange" or even "fucking
weird." After growing up a
little bit, I was surprised
to find out that these are
the qualities that make you a
valuable employee and a good
husband. My life is good.

So why are even the popular
kids from so long ago
suddenly trying to cash in on
the value of being a geek?
They never learned the most
important lesson: Be

They also have no idea what
they are laying claim to. I
blame Christian Slater in
Pump up the Volume.

Richard Still

Um, I think the popular kids
are trying to be themselves -
they're letting their inner
dorks breathe a little.

It's dull being cool.

Still, I wish you'd keep
Christian Slater out of this.


Fish With Letter Icon

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