The Fish
for 18 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

What?? In a year where the
blow job has reigned supreme
over the national news front,
you mention the Super Bowl
without so much as a
titillating reference to
Eugene Robinson's pregame
arrest? The Falcons player
who was reportedly so pious
that his teammates called him
The Prophet gets arrested for
soliciting oral sex from an
undercover officer, and you
don't touch it with a 10-foot

I think it's fairly
amusing.... That evening
Robinson receives an award
for Outstanding Moral
Character from a Christian
Athletes group (which he
accepts with a big,
shit-eating grin, I bet) and
then mere hours later he's
rounded up in a dragnet for
trying to negotiate a
spit shine - with his wife
and kids in a hotel a few
blocks away!

Can you imagine what his
first post-arrest conversation
with his wife must have
been like?

"Dammit, honey, if you had
just given me the blow job
when I goddamn asked, none
o' this shit would'a

But why? Why would a man who
was a pillar of morality and
an outstanding role model
self-destruct like this?
Well, a God-fearing man is
going to have a God-fearing
wife ... and God-fearing
women don't usually make for
ravenous cocksuckers. Falcons
players quoted anonymously in
the media have stated that
Eugene was by far not the
only player to make the haj.
And I'm sure that when Eugene
heard the locker room talk
about the quality hummers
being served up by Miami's
finest he felt much like
Christ being tempted by the
"Deevil" ... so he gave in and
got busted, and I enjoyed
hearing about it.

But you're avoiding this
story. "The man has
suffered enough," you're
saying ... or "it's too easy,"
you're thinking ... or "no more
goddamned blow jobs!" you're crying.

I say YES! More blow jobs! All
blow jobs all the time! BNN,
the Blow job News Network: who
was blown today, who has been
attempting to get blown, who
needs to be blown, and what
upcoming blow jobs we can look
forward to. A can of stiff,
erect worms has been opened,
and now there's no going

Oh, and leave the name alone
... it's Czech.

Buck Futt
Private Eye

More interesting than
Robinson or his Pocket
Prophet is the question of
why Miami's Finest are using
their resources to entrap
horny Super Bowlers, when
their city has what I believe
is still one of the highest
homicide rates in the

Not touching you with
anybody's 10-foot pole,


Fish With Letter Icon

What's with all of the
language today? I can't even
read this at work now without
being concerned that someone
is standing behind me reading
over my shoulder!! You don't
have to cuss to be funny.

Wes Cutshall
Conoco Visual Communications

Dear Wes,

I've combed today's Suck for
salty language but have only
managed to find the following

Lynn Swann
Hubba hubba

Tune in for next week's Hit
and Run as we'll be working
"stickler," "toggle,"
"billets doux," and
"canoodling" into our
sailor-mouthed tirades.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Unwanted Job

Dear Sucksters,

Regarding your assertion,
"Frankly, the regular pattern
of letters from disgruntled
employees imagining how
'cool' it would be to work at
Suck just makes us bitter and
depressed," it comes to my
attention that, whereas
heretofore readers of your
so-called new-media
publication might
historically have been gently
ribbed by your altogether
caustic (and rarely
unnecessarily so) wit, as it
is clearly your aim only to
poke harmless fun without
undue offense to any but the
most adamant admirers of
Third Eye Blind (who are
rightly hailed throughout
developed nations as the
foremost sublime tribute band
of their time) and fresh
basil, now you would tread
upon the hopes and dreams of
the very segment of the
populous which I would
venture to claim, with little
doubt, comprises a near
majority of your readership.
That is, they are the very sort of
embittered, jaded, and if I
may be so bold as to add,
lazy sort of people who ask
for little more from life
than the opportunity to earn
something resembling a living
wage by engaging in so noble
a profession as one
that combines all
the titillating stimuli of
free coffee, Internet access,
and a virtually unlimited
supply of magazines with the
job security that goes
hand-in-hand with the
patronage of a much larger,
more successful, and more
commercially crass
publication - that is, writing for
Suck. For after all, if it
is indeed not, in fact,
"cool" to work at Suck, why
pray tell do you Sucksters
yourselves not pursue lines
of work requiring much less
effort to obtain, such as (to
throw out a perfectly random
and unrelated example) that
of photocomp keyboard
operator at the Texas
Agricultural Extension
Service, thus relinquishing
valuable Suck staff positions
to those eager would-be
new media journalists who
wish to be immortalized in
caricature by Terry Colon?

Jeb Hagan


There is no free coffee, we
pay for our own Internet
access, job security doesn't
exist, and the caricatures
aren't even of us. In
reality, Duke of URL is a
muscular Navajo who usually
dresses in chaps and a
10-gallon hat that he wears
to his job with the Indian
rodeo. Polly Esther is a
flamboyantly gay man who
weighs close to 400 pounds,
and Terry Colon is a
smart-ass 12-year-old with a
bowl haircut and an uncanny
resemblance to Malachi from
Children of the Corn. I am
part of a set of Siamese
twins who share a leg, but
fortunately I've never been

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon
Papal Bull

Speaking as yet another
recovering Catholic (gave it
up right after Cardinal
Mahoney of the LA archdiocese
told all pro-choice leaning
Caths to get out and found
that Sunday was infinitely
more pleasurable sans guilt
trip), I was wonderfully
amused by the observations
you made on JP2's most recent
whirlwind tour of the States.
I understand that next year
he'll be doing a Vegas show
at the Luxor between Barbra
Streisand and Conway Twitty.

You sound like me, a
former member of the church
who stood back and looked
over the whole hypocritical,
sexist, monolithic mess and
decided that all that the
dogma was doing was screwing
with your weekend. Am I even

Steve Gattuso

Dear Doodles,

I gave up Catholicism for
Lent several years ago and
never went back. But Conway
Twitty is a sacrament no man,
woman, or dog can give up in
his/her/its right mind.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. M,

The story on the pope:
fabulous, baby, fabulous.

Bill Gubbins
Knoxville, Tennessee

Msgr Gubbins,

I'm not a baby and I haven't
come a long way. See you in

Dominic gofriskem,

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

To whom it may concern:

Maybe the Internet decency
act has the right idea after
all. Isn't there at least an
outside chance that someone
might think that you really
meant some of this
tongue-in-cheek "stuff" ?
Besides, why subject people
to the trash language when
all they really came to use was
a search engine? I guess that
complaint is really with
HotBot. I guess my only real
question is WHY? The phrase
"get a life" comes to mind,
but I really can't understand
why someone would waste their
time "composing" such trash
or why I would waste my time

Rich Mortensen

Your last point is well
taken, my son. Now go forth
and sin no mo'.

Trash language, incidentally,
is one of the prices we pay
for civilization.

Msgr M

Fish With Letter Icon

How Bitterness Happens

Yeah, but what about when a
perfectly well-adjusted guy,
even a former Flinchy, knows
exactly what he wants,
recognizes it, and starts out
in love already, china
patterns and everything?

Paul Spinrad

We hate that shit.

Fish With Letter Icon

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