for 15 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

When Activists Attack

St. Huck,

Just wondering, but mightn't
Cinque's name be taken from
slave history, the recent
notoriety of which was
brought to our attention by
Steven Spielberg's
made-for-TV-movie Amistad?

<read@schuchardt.com>

Yes, the man originally known
as Donald DeFreeze took his
new name from an African
chief who was captured by
Portuguese slave traders in
the 1830s and designated
"Cinque."

Regards,

Huck

You have created a great new
term in "cathode olestra" and
you should be proud. However,
many of the links in today's
piece are funky: Your mailto
says "huck@www.suck.com" and
a link in the story says
"http://year2000.html" ...
are you on crack?

Bjorn Porn

<bjornl@bjornporn.com>

It is a new strategy. Suck
was founded on the principle
of links and so can't really
abandon them without "losing
face," but now we really
don't want you to go anywhere
else. Broken links seemed
like the best solution.

Regards,

Huck

Subject: Re: Hearst

Quite possibly the longest
lead I've ever read ... but a
very satisfactory payoff.
Might even consider givin'
the ol' ball 'n' chain some
foreplay tonight! Thanks for
the idea.

<DavidM@fool.com>

An article about kidnapping
and pie-throwing gets you
horny? You Fools are zanier
than I had imagined.

Huck

Subject: Now the serpent was
the subtlest of beasts ...

Dear Sainted One:

The Historical Buddha (i.e.,
The Enlightened One) is
frequently represented in art
as sitting on a throne with
the "naga" protecting his
back. This is a borrowing
from Hindu symbolism; the
naga is a giant cobra who
wrapped himself seven times
around the Buddha while he
meditated and in an
interesting artistic shift is
thus often shown
seven-headed. While
apparently a frightening
figure, the naga is actually
a protector of the holy in
Buddhist imagery. The
multiheaded serpent of the
SLF is clearly taken from
this image.

There, you've learned
something. Aren't you
pleased?

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is IN

There was a lot of
appropriation going on with
that logo apparently, because
it also had a Kwanza element
- each of the seven heads was
supposed to represent one of
Kwanza's seven basic
principles: unity,
self-determination,
collective work and
responsibility, cooperation,
etc. etc. I am thinking that
perhaps Terry could redesign
the Fish with seven heads, as
these are coincidentally all
of the same principles that
have informed Suck all these
years.

Regards,

Huck

Subject: Chicken and egg
problem

Dear Polly:

You think you're kiddin'
'bout that chicken. I once
had a client who was raised
on a chicken farm and refused
to eat or even look at any
form of chicken or eggs. Not
only did he not eat chicken,
there was a standing order
that nobody who worked for
him (or wanted to continue
working for him) could eat
chicken in his presence. We
took him to sushi places when
we needed to entertain him.

Alan S. Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

Oh please. Refusing to eat
chicken is one thing.
Forbidding those around you,
employed by you, etc. from
eating chicken is another
thing entirely. Who is this
prima donna anyway? What
good has he brought us that
he can wreck our choices
thusly? Doesn't that qualify
as gastronomical harassment
or something? Is
gastronomical even a word?

Enlighten me, oh wizened wise
one.

Polly

Subject: Buffalo 66
reference?

Hm ... just got home from my
friend's house after watching
some off-the-wall film called
Buffalo 66 and then
spontaneously decided to
visit suck.com. To my dismay,
it appears that you've made a
reference to this interesting
film: "You might
consider making an edgy
independent film about your
shitty childhood to get the
love that you deserve." Is it
a reference to Buffalo 66 or
am I hallucinating?

<Slappybass@aol.com>

Yes it is. Those parents in
that movie are just so yucky
and mainstream and worthy of
blame, aren't they?

If I had a kid like that, I'd
spend all my time watching
football too.

Oops. I already do.

Oh well.

Polly

I just realized something:
How can you guys purportedly
be located in San Francisco
and not have mentioned the
Hot and Chunky restaurant
even once? For people who
write a humor column, you
surely must see the high
humor there. Maybe you're not
located in San Francisco at
all. Maybe you don't even
exist (cue Doctor Who music).

Joseph Hammerman
<jhammerman@astro.ocis.temple.edu>

Ahem. The name is Hot 'n'
Hunky, and there's nothing
funny at all about beautiful
gay men as far as the eye can
see and the best damn
hamburgers in the known
universe.

They have great onion rings
and unbelievable shakes too.
I used to live two blocks
away, and I'd go any time I
had the energy to hoist my
fat ass off the couch.

The rest of the Sucksters are
fictional and much less
lazy.

Polly

Subject: International
gratuitous foul language week

Is not! At least if it is,
neither AltaVista nor HotBot
has heard of it!

David L. Nicol
<david@
kasey.umkc.edu>

You are one gullible
motherfucker.

Congratulations! Your free,
Fuck You custard pie is in
the mail!

Polly