The Fish
for 12 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Eternal Blame

Subject: Chicken and egg

Dear Polly:

You think you're kiddin'
'bout that chicken. I once
had a client who was raised
on a chicken farm and refused
to eat or even look at any
form of chicken or eggs. Not
only did he not eat chicken,
there was a standing order
that nobody who worked for
him (or wanted to continue
working for him) could eat
chicken in his presence. We
took him to sushi places when
we needed to entertain him.

Alan S. Kornheiser

Oh please. Refusing to eat
chicken is one thing.
Forbidding those around you,
employed by you, etc. from
eating chicken is another
thing entirely. Who is this
prima donna anyway? What
good has he brought us that
he can wreck our choices
thusly? Doesn't that qualify
as gastronomical harassment
or something? Is
gastronomical even a word?

Enlighten me, oh wizened wise


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Buffalo 66

Hm ... just got home from my
friend's house after watching
some off-the-wall film called
Buffalo 66 and then
spontaneously decided to
visit To my dismay,
it appears that you've made a
reference to this interesting
film: "You might
consider making an edgy
independent film about your
shitty childhood to get the
love that you deserve." Is it
a reference to Buffalo 66 or
am I hallucinating?


Yes it is. Those parents in
that movie are just so yucky
and mainstream and worthy of
blame, aren't they?

If I had a kid like that, I'd
spend all my time watching
football too.

Oops. I already do.

Oh well.


Fish With Letter Icon

I just realized something:
How can you guys purportedly
be located in San Francisco
and not have mentioned the
Hot and Chunky restaurant
even once? For people who
write a humor column, you
surely must see the high
humor there. Maybe you're not
located in San Francisco at
all. Maybe you don't even
exist (cue Doctor Who music).

Joseph Hammerman

Ahem. The name is Hot 'n'
Hunky, and there's nothing
funny at all about beautiful
gay men as far as the eye can
see and the best damn
hamburgers in the known

They have great onion rings
and unbelievable shakes too.
I used to live two blocks
away, and I'd go any time I
had the energy to hoist my
fat ass off the couch.

The rest of the Sucksters are
fictional and much less


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: International
gratuitous foul language week

Is not! At least if it is,
neither AltaVista nor HotBot
has heard of it!

David L. Nicol

You are one gullible

Congratulations! Your free,
Fuck You custard pie is in
the mail!


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Subject: Blatant attempt at
the fish

Hidey-Ho Sucksters,

I'm turning this into
something of a hobby, just to
see if I'll ever make it onto
the page. In any case - I
wanted to point out
something. First, we hear
about "Men of Steel Balls,"
then "Creepless in Seattle,"
now we get Larry Ellison's
dating habits, and "Ecstasy -
The Seduction Audio Cassette
Tape" for those with IQs
lower than their shoe sizes!
I also seem to remember
something about the butt-cam.
Now, I realize that one of
Suck's driving principles is
targeting cynical people (like
myself) who are unable to get
laid on a regular basis, but
isn't this becoming something
of an obsession? Or is it
just an attempt to cash in on
the public rediscovery of
intercourse in the wake of


Floid the Litter-Trained Wolverine


We found out that the
Internet contains a large
amount of sex-related

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Regarding the historical
place of the "1984" Apple ad,
I'm afraid we are stuck with
it - Babe Ruth holds neither
of the significant home-run
records, yet he is still "the
Bambino." As such, "1984"
will always be "the Ad."

Cameron Geiser

"We must arm ourselves if we
are to defeat the Apes!"

- NRA Chair Charlton Heston

You're right, of course. But
only because people who fancy
themselves professionals
choose which ads will get
legendary status. If it were
up to The American People,
"the Ad" would of course be
"I've fallen and I can't get

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Wow, that was funny. I just
thought I'd add another scrap
of ass-kissing e-fanmail for
you to ignore. But the bits
of transition were great
today; I don't read suck
regularly, so I don't know
whether it's a constant
theme, but going from
potential intellectual
matches to HAL 9000 was
great. Not as funny as
suggesting that Roger Ebert
gives good head, but it's
always good to leave yourself
room to do better. And now
I'll finally fucking be able
to remember which one's

Oh yeah, and somebody on your
staff likes Pavement, which
is really neat too.


You have found unintended
meanings in the nonsequential
structure of Thursday's Hit
and Run column. Hit and Run
consists of three, four, or
five short essays each on topics
that are worth attention. But
none of the essays is
worth a whole column
in it's own right.
Although occasionally tied
together, these are usually
disconnected items.

As far as we know, Ebert is a
world-class pussy hound. Or
was before he got married.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: What the fuck?

Who the fuck does Elizabeth
Ferrarini think she is
comparing Larry Ellison to
Steven Spielberg? Spielberg
makes millions of dollars
exploiting his fucking roots,
i.e., the deaths of circa 6
million people, and this is a
substantial fucking legacy?
Like the world didn't fucking
know about it? Oracle Corp.
isn't a big enough fucking
legacy for her? The world
needs more fucking men like
Ellison and less
men like Steven fucking
Spielberg who are catering to
a populace addicted to
fucking movies about mass
fucking death. Ellison has
nothing to fucking prove to
the fucking world. Spielberg
seems to have to fucking
prove that he's a fucking Jew
(not that I have anything
against fucking Jews; some of
my best friends are fucking
Jews - in fact, one of my
roommates is a fucking
Russian fucking Jew). America
was built by people like
Ellison, not fucking movie
directors/producers. Is
Elizabeth Ferrarini a fucking
American? If she is, she
makes me fucking embarrassed
to fucking admit that I
fucking am one.

Erik Nielsen

p.s. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Larry Ellison wishes he could
make a movie as great as

yr pal,


Editor's Note: Thanks for
honoring Gratuitous Foul
Language Week, Erik. Your
free Fuck You custard pie is
in the mail!

Fish With Letter Icon

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