The Fish
for 11 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

Subject: Blatant attempt at
the fish

Hidey-Ho Sucksters,

I'm turning this into
something of a hobby, just to
see if I'll ever make it onto
the page. In any case - I
wanted to point out
something. First, we hear
about "Men of Steel Balls,"
then "Creepless in Seattle,"
now we get Larry Ellison's
dating habits, and "Ecstasy -
The Seduction Audio Cassette
Tape" for those with IQs
lower than their shoe sizes!
I also seem to remember
something about the butt-cam.
Now, I realize that one of
Suck's driving principles is
targeting cynical people (like
myself) who are unable to get
laid on a regular basis, but
isn't this becoming something
of an obsession? Or is it
just an attempt to cash in on
the public rediscovery of
intercourse in the wake of


Floid the Litter-Trained Wolverine


We found out that the
Internet contains a large
amount of sex-related

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Regarding the historical
place of the "1984" Apple ad,
I'm afraid we are stuck with
it - Babe Ruth holds neither
of the significant home-run
records, yet he is still "the
Bambino." As such, "1984"
will always be "the Ad."

Cameron Geiser

"We must arm ourselves if we
are to defeat the Apes!"

- NRA Chair Charlton Heston

You're right, of course. But
only because people who fancy
themselves professionals
choose which ads will get
legendary status. If it were
up to The American People,
"the Ad" would of course be
"I've fallen and I can't get

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Wow, that was funny. I just
thought I'd add another scrap
of ass-kissing e-fanmail for
you to ignore. But the bits
of transition were great
today; I don't read suck
regularly, so I don't know
whether it's a constant
theme, but going from
potential intellectual
matches to HAL 9000 was
great. Not as funny as
suggesting that Roger Ebert
gives good head, but it's
always good to leave yourself
room to do better. And now
I'll finally fucking be able
to remember which one's

Oh yeah, and somebody on your
staff likes Pavement, which
is really neat too.


You have found unintended
meanings in the nonsequential
structure of Thursday's Hit
and Run column. Hit and Run
consists of three, four, or
five short essays each on topics
that are worth attention. But
none of the essays is
worth a whole column
in it's own right.
Although occasionally tied
together, these are usually
disconnected items.

As far as we know, Ebert is a
world-class pussy hound. Or
was before he got married.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: What the fuck?

Who the fuck does Elizabeth
Ferrarini think she is
comparing Larry Ellison to
Steven Spielberg? Spielberg
makes millions of dollars
exploiting his fucking roots,
i.e., the deaths of circa 6
million people, and this is a
substantial fucking legacy?
Like the world didn't fucking
know about it? Oracle Corp.
isn't a big enough fucking
legacy for her? The world
needs more fucking men like
Ellison and less
men like Steven fucking
Spielberg who are catering to
a populace addicted to
fucking movies about mass
fucking death. Ellison has
nothing to fucking prove to
the fucking world. Spielberg
seems to have to fucking
prove that he's a fucking Jew
(not that I have anything
against fucking Jews; some of
my best friends are fucking
Jews - in fact, one of my
roommates is a fucking
Russian fucking Jew). America
was built by people like
Ellison, not fucking movie
directors/producers. Is
Elizabeth Ferrarini a fucking
American? If she is, she
makes me fucking embarrassed
to fucking admit that I
fucking am one.

Erik Nielsen

p.s. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Larry Ellison wishes he could
make a movie as great as

yr pal,


Editor's Note: Thanks for
honoring Gratuitous Foul
Language Week, Erik. Your
free Fuck You custard pie is
in the mail!

Fish With Letter Icon
Fish Fellate

Dear Sucksters:

I've been a faithful reader
from the Very Beginning, way
back when you were pirates in
Wired's oar room, not first
mates above deck.

I have brought my Web site to
your attention more than
once, and you STILL haven't
made any comment about it
online!! C'mon guys - this
has been going on for more than
three years now!! I don't

OK. One more chance:

Older than you,

Jeremy David Stolen
intellectual provocateur

P.S. I have exchanged email
with Carl Steadman, Ann
O'Tate, Owen Thomas, AND
LeTeXan. What else do I need
to do?!?!?!?

OK. You've sent the URL again
and again and yet you don't
tell us what we'll find
there. Instead you whine
about the fact that you're
being ignored and mention the
names of several
semifictional characters,
many of whom are known drug
abusers. On top of it all,
you refer to yourself as an
intellectual provocateur,
which mostly provokes nausea.

You're really gonna spark a
revolutionary new trend in
press releases if you keep
this up. PR types across the
nation will be exploring this
new whiny, info-free format,
guaranteed to work editors
into a state of nauseated

Well, you got your comment.
Are you happy now?

No provocation is bad


Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Mr. Flinchy Strikes

Dear Polly,

Just remember that behind
every Mr. Flinchy there is
also the cold-hearted wench
that made him fearful of
commitment. Not that it is an
eternal excuse for malevolent
behavior ... all I am saying
is you put down your baggage,
and I'll put down mine, and we
can solve this thing

By the way, what's the deal
with the recent spate of
relationship-related Fillers?
It's interesting from my
viewpoint (A little of Sun
Tzu's "Know the enemy and
know yourself and you need
not fear the result of a
hundred battles") but it
would lead enquiring minds to
speculate what is going on in
your own personal life.

Bartholomew Roberts

Speculate all you want; I
have no personal life. I'm a
cartoon, stupid.

Relationship-related Fillers
are a February tradition, in
honor of ... the end of
football season, I think.
Reemphasis on intimacy.
Conflicting interests when it
comes to matters of the
heart. Leo plays a role.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Syphilis! Free


the thought occurred that you
might not want free syphilis.
the tag was false advertising
anyway. i'd have to roll the
vagrant sleeping under the
porch, surreptitiously graph
his chancre-encrusted
cake hole, find a centrifuge,
extract the writhing
spirochetes, and find an
insulated petri dish. and if
i were to go to all that
trouble, i'd rather give
syphilis to kathy lee

whatever, eh. the purpose of
this was to find out if you
could give me any info on
suck and it's constituents.
i'm writing a review of it
for the [name withheld]
review of journalism online.
i'd be especially interested
to know if any of you are
j-school grads (or drop-outs)
and, if so, what sort of
experience you had (i'm
looking for negative, bashing
sort of shit).

please humor me,

Name withheld to protect the
artist as a young man

p.s. i'm no sycophant, but
suck is the second best thing
to come out of your
god-fearing, inbred country.
the first, of course, is
taco bell.

None of us went to journalism
school because journalism
school sucks!

How was that?

Also, cartoon characters
can't get into J-school. But
we can't get syphilis either,
so probe all the cake holes
you want. (What an enticing
lead paragraph. Is that what
they teach you at J-school?)


Fish With Letter Icon

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