The Fish
for 9 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Speech Therapy


As usual, the one joy of
turning on the computer
today was reading your
column. Headlines from
today's AP news only add more
surrealism to your poignant
comments on the State of the

"All states and school
districts must adopt and
implement discipline
policies." AP News, 26
January 1999, Headline:
Parents of Truants Face Jail
in MD. (Sentencing is on 12
February, but in December a
Kentucky woman already got
her two daughters missed a
combined 116 days over 1.5

Clinton, 19 January 1999:
"For the first time in three
decades, the budget is
balanced. (Applause) From a
deficit of $290 billion in
1992, we had a surplus of $70
billion last year. And now we
are on course for budget
surpluses for the next 25
years." (Applause) AP News,
26 January 1999, Headline:
5.4 Billion Budget Deficit
Recorded. (The source of the
deficit was, you guessed it,
Social Security payments, the
very thing that was going to
be saved by the budget

Clinton, 19 January 1999:
"America is a strong force
for peace from Northern
Ireland to Bosnia to the
Middle East." AP News, 26
January 1999, Headline: US
Admits Iraq Missile Mistake.
(Whoops, maybe putting video
cameras on the AGM-130
missiles wasn't such a smart

Please do us all a favor and
do a follow-up story on your
State of the Union follow up,
because there is so bloody
much to follow up, and these
three just jumped out at me
this morning, but certainly
there are dozens of others.


Read Mercer Schuchardt

Good to hear from you again -
how's the juggling act? (Can
we call you Dr. Schuchardt

You know, this thing on
Clinton began to bum me out
about two minutes after I
finished it. I think it's
pretty lazy, compared to the
available material and what
could be done with it, but I
think I know why: I've
completely lost my sense of
humor around the subject of
Bill Clinton. The era of big
government is over! And we
must expand federal
involvement in local schools,
increase military spending,
insert the government into
the stock market ... Not sure
there's any sentence under
the sun this man couldn't
speak with courage and

So I think I need to take a
break from writing about Bill
Clinton, or risk turning into
that writer character in The
- with, like, 500
pages that say Clinton is bad
Clinton is bad Clinton is

Oh, good lord: Speaking of
fascinatingly ironic AP
stories - did you see the one
about the White House hosting
a banquet for Muslims at the
end of Ramadan? (Sorry about
all those dead Iraqis - want
a muffin?) Actual Hillary
Clinton quote: "I used to
feel so strongly as a young
girl ... that religion should
not serve as a weapon of war
and division but as a bridge
to peace." That was one
passionate toddler.


Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Letter to the editor.

One of the late-show hosts
made a joke about how
President Clinton, when
meeting with the pope, asked
the pontiff if he would
redefine sexual relations.

This reminded me again of an
issue that I have seen no
writer address, even amid
the thousands of editorials
dealing with the vagaries of
that phrase. And it seems
such an obvious and important
question to ask: How does the
Church, or the state for
that matter, define sexual

Consider a partner in a
newly married couple, who is
seeking annulment of the
vows. What if that couple has
not engaged in intercourse,
but has only had oral
sex? Would that marriage be
considered consummated? I do
not believe it would be.

Does that make the issue more
clear or more confused?

James Holland

More confused and much, much
less interesting.

Fish With Letter Icon

Rolling Blunder


In your Fish response today
to Barry Munden, you start by
agreeing with his support of
the goals of Desert Storm:
"The Iraqi invasion of Kuwait
was clearly unacceptable and
Desert Storm was clearly
successful at liberating
Kuwait ... "

Wait a minute. Kuwait has
been liberated? Last I heard,
Kuwaitis were subjected to a
dictatorship. Was there some
successful campaign to
liberate them that I missed?

Back in the days of Desert
Storm and the New World
Order, the slogan I remember
was: "Bush's 'brave new
world' would be a planet safe
for monarchy." I thought that
part of the plan, at least,
had been successful.

Jim Burrill

True, true. But the invasion
wasn't benevolent, either. So
why don't we settle on:
"Liberated from the Iraqi
occupation, which returned
the Kuwaiti emir to his

I remember shrieking this
very point out in front of
the federal building in West
LA, back in the first days
of Desert Storm, but I also
had more energy then....

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Hot Copy

In the midst of your witty
screed, you might have paused
to explain why it is OK to
make and remake classical
music, theater, and dance
(nobody seems to mind that
Yo-Yo Ma has now issued two
different versions of the
identical Bach cello pieces,
for example), but remaking a
movie script is somehow just
dumb. Mind you, I think that
remaking a movie script is
just dumb; I'm just not sure
why. So ... why?

Alan Kornheiser

You know, this fact of
duplication is what prompted
me to write the article in
the first place - and once
again, I realize I forgot to
mention the very thing that
inspired me. (I do that a lot
with these pieces.) I was
thinking more in terms of
stand-up comedians and
freelance writers - the
former write 20 minutes of
material then perform for a
decade, whereas the latter
are expected to abandon their
best pieces and lines after
using them only once.

Re: The high threshold for
remakes of classical music,
theater, and dance - I think
it's because no one ever
really pays that much
attention to any of that
stuff, so the experience of
listening to or seeing it
again actually retains a
modicum of newness.



Fish With Letter Icon

I can't believe you missed
your chance to point out that
the '90s are not the "decade
of the penis" like Suck
proclaimed previously.
Rather, the '90s are the
"decade of the clone"! Cloned
music (Puff Daddy), movies à
la Van Sant, cloned vintage
Levis for $180, etc.


I'll be sure to make that
point in the duplicate
version of this article that
I'm publishing in several
other venues.



Fish With Letter Icon

Great column. I think maybe
people are so worried about
preventing Orwell's future
from happening that we're
going to end up living in
Huxley's instead. Not that
I'd mind as long as I'm an
Alpha. All that sex! Who
wouldn't trade Elizabethan
literature for eternal life
and constant orgies?


Well, given that most of us
seem to have already traded
Elizabethan literature for
Adam Sandler movies, the
bargain you describe sounds
like a pretty good deal....


Fish With Letter Icon

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