The Fish
for 4 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

Dear Sucksters,

I happen to live in
Congressman/Football Guy
Steve Largent's district here
in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While not
an ardent supporter of him, I
must come to his defense
regarding his ignorance of
what GOP stands for. It was
not at or after his
inauguration that he inquired
that, as your commentary
states, but at his first
fund-raiser. It is a somewhat
picky point, but I didn't
want our "superstar" looking
more one dimensional than he

I very much enjoy your
insightful and pointed
observations. Keep up the
great work.

Bob Parker
Tulsa, OK

From the transcript of
Largent's address:

"In fact, it wasn't until
after I was elected that I
attended a Republican
function where a banner hung
that read, 'GOP.' I had to
ask what those letters stood
for. They said, 'Grand Old
Party,' of course."

So he was, in fact, elected
before he knew what GOP stood
for. And he seems to be proud
of that fact.

Even if your correction was
right, it would be like
having the doctor who's about
to remove a tumor from your
throat tell you a funny story
about how he didn't know what
an "esophagus" was until
right after he'd done his
first operation. You're not
going to feel much better if
he then says "Well, actually,
it was right before my first

This country has more than
enough self-styled bumpkins
who try to make a virtue of
the fact that they don't know
anything about our political
system. I have no doubt that
we could get away with having
Koko the Signing Primate in
charge of the country, but
that doesn't mean we should
be bragging about it.


Fish With Letter Icon


It is with much chagrin that
[I] read your reference to
the G-chip in the context of
governmental broadcasts. As
any dedicated channel surfer
will tell you, the real G-chip
blocks that most insidious of
TV fodder - GOLF. As one who
has had to have the trailer
floor reinforced I can tell
you that the GOLF Channel is
evil and needs to be shut
down. My handicap has
skyrocketed, and I still feel
as if I am part of the game.

Yours Truly,

The Big Duffer

Dear Mr. Duffer,

The proposed G-chip will help
concerned parents prevent
their children from being
exposed to all references to
God, Golf, and Government.
We're still working on a
model that filters out
instantiations of Buck Rogers
in the 25th Century
star Gil


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Deep lovin' thoughts


Your love is like a butt-cam
on crack focused mostly on
Matt Drudge. Too bad he isn't
Canadian - that would be
"win-win," eh?

Meg Goldman
CNN Interactive

You know, Meg, I remember
when the Gulf War was on, CNN
never missed a chance to note
that "We do know that Saddam
watches CNN." And I always
thought, "Why would an
important guy like Saddam be
bothering with CNN?" You've
made me understand.


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

In regard to their obviously
staged rebuttal, did the
"party of Lincoln and Reagan"
have a choice? One of the
unfortunate effects of having
government for and by the
people is that Washington
must necessarily be on guard
to at least appear as stupid
and God-fearing as the polis.

And that, as the millennium
draws to a close, is very
stupid and very God-fearing.

Clinton's handlers proved
they have a perfect
understanding of the
situation. Who but the most
dastardly and educated among
us could refuse to stand and
applaud a wounded veteran,
the underdog baseball hero,
AmericaCorps volunteers, and
Rosa Parks? By the same
token, who could not applaud
Clinton for lauding these
"exemplary" Americans?

The harder the voters clap,
the less they have to think.
As the camera pans from one
heroic face to another, a
single word resonates in 250
million bulk-food Fed brains:
"good." When the camera
focuses back on Clinton, the
word cannot help but continue
to echo.

Faced with this sort of
emotional pandering, the
Republicans were forced to
show in short order that,
they too, are stupid and

First Dunn, the gardener
(read "earth mother") and
defender of the weak against
the IRS (read "tax-and-spend
Democrats), then Largent, the
BMOC who turns out to be as
simple-minded as the rest of
us, reminding us of his
unwavering faith in God. The
God, no doubt - not one of
those Indian gods with the
arms or an elephant head.
This was less a rebuttal than
a gut reaction.

Bravo, GOP, bravo. A lowest
common denominator has been
found and you have willingly
sunk to it.

Michael Clausen

There's never been a country
where more people are
convinced that all the other
people are idiots. Even the
dumbest guy in America is
willing to go on at length
about what morons the
American people are. Normally
I'd say your letter is just
more of that priggish
elitism, but in fact it's
been a while since anybody
suggested Americans as a
whole deserve to be punished,
so you have the advantage of

I'm not implying that you are
the dumbest guy in America
or anywhere near it.


Fish With Letter Icon
Filler: Date My Friend Steve

Subject: Steve

You know this makes
you the best,
best friend on earth. He
appreciates this shit right?

Where do we sign up to be the
next Steve?

I can be very difficult to
love too.

r stevens

You don't "sign up" to be the
next Steve. You earn it by
obsessively whining about
your perfectly good life day
after day, literally for
hours on end, running up
hundreds of dollars in phone
bills and destroying the
sanity of the few friends you
have left.

Don't worry, though. I'm sure
some pathetic little half-wit
will "love" you some day.



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: I WANT STEVE ...
well, I want to be punished,


I want Steve because I am a
self-masochistic Kim hater
(that would be me). Of
course, I would be using
Steve to punish myself for
everything that is me, but
isn't that enough? Wouldn't
that just give him fodder
for griping?

I have thought far too much
about this. I am moving to

Kim [Last Name Withheld to
Protect Those Who Would Deign
to Date Steve]

Fish With Letter Icon

Kim, honey: a
"self-masochistic" Kim hater?
I'm not sure there's any
other kind of masochism. As
far as punishing yourself,
come on, what could be so
wrong with you? Seriously,
tell me. I'm sure it's
actually much worse than you
think. I'm fairly certain I
could help bring that to
light for you.

As far as "thinking" too much
about this: Uhh, don't worry.

I'll pick you up at the
airport. Don't forget the
picture of your ass.


Fish With Letter Icon


I hear your the man of my
dreams.... You have been
described so beautifully in
yesterday's edition of Suck.
If the description of you is
even remotely accurate, I
think I could see a future
for us.... What do you think?



Please reread your note.

"You're" is a contraction
signifying "you are." It fits
in sentences such as "You're
the man of my dreams."

"Your" is a possessive
pronoun. It can be used for
expressions such as "Your
grammatical prowess makes me
weak in the knees."

"Yer" is a compound
indeterminate. It can be used
in multiple situations such
as "Yer real smart. I'll bet
you got yer GED. Wanna see my
hernia scar?"

More to the point: How can I
see a future for us when I
can't even see you? Frankly,
I can't picture us together
until I see a picture of your
ass. Send one right away.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: I want Steve as my
little bitch!

As much as I want - as much
as I need air ...

Steve needs to be mine.

Tri-colored hair, short
nails. I own a vibrant red

Steve has waited for me all
his lackluster life.

I am his warm window out of a
dark, cold room.

Bonus Point: I live in


Um, why should anyone care
what color your phone is?

Anyway, write to Steve. He's
desperate, he won't mind
about the phone.


Fish With Letter Icon


Polly says I should write -
to you.

So tell me. Thing 1: Do you
sweep floors at that hospital
- or are you one of the big

Thing 2: Dominatrix is the
name of the game. Do you have
a game piece with which to



What makes you think my name
is spelled "Steven"? That's
the spelling used by mouth
breathers, vacuum-cleaner
salesmen, and cretins who
lust after common farm
animals. "Stephen," on the
other hand, is used by the
refined, the effete, and
hemophiliacs. Tell me: You
dot your "i" with a little
heart, don't you?

Uh, do I have a game piece
with which to play? Like, the
thimble? How about the boot?

Confused but not intrigued,


Fish With Letter Icon

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