The Fish
for 2 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Grand Slam

You know, sometimes Suck is
the only thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning, and
I'm used to being
disappointed. But this was a
great essay. I can't imagine
anyone else who'd have been
able to take Mike Tyson
seriously without sounding
ridiculous. In related news,
that person who writes the
text for the alt tags used
the word "intillectual" in a
sentence. Please make it
stop! Some of us have to read
those things.

Demmy Rooster


It's a sure sign of a column
that doesn't work when
readers start commenting on
the alt tags. Alt-tag
responses rank right up there
with "your layout makes the
articles hard to read," "stop
running advertising or my
roommate and I will stop
reading your site," "I am
unable to
subscribe/unsubscribe; please
do it for me," and "when are
you going to bring back the
Canadian Rabbit on Crack?"
for nonresponse responses.

Writing ridiculously without
sounding intillectual,


Fish With Letter Icon

So much to say, with nothing
said. Less time spent in
thesaurus, more time
accessing the true feel of a

"Elsewhere in the country,
blandroids like George W.
Bush promote a
people-friendly political
system, and people talk about
a bipartisan (though, sadly,
never bi-curious) Congress as
if it were a good thing."

Irrelevant quote,
unnecessary, and pop-culture

Slam man reference held my
interest with the same
intensity as an arm-wrestling
match with Bob Dole.

Calling reporters prim was a
nice step. "Prince Naseem =
toxic," also nice. But you
missed many good points that
seem to be fairly intuitive
for a writer.

Try harder, do better,

Scott Levin

Oh, blow it out your ass,
Scott. At least when wannabe
writers share their thoughts
it's funny. A wannabe editor
contributing his two cents is
unnatural and pathetic.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

I perceive discussion of my
choice for 1998 jail movie of
the year in today's piece as
"usual consideration," so here

In 1988 I accepted a position
- an internship - with Rock
Bottom Productions, a
music-promotion outfit in
Boston run by Adrienne
Lenhoff, who I had met the
previous year at college. She
really didn't have anything
for me to do and had no money
coming in. And since I am not
independently wealthy and she
kicked my stuff out into the
hall, I had to find other
things to do with that period
of survival.

Somehow I had two tickets to
see Frank Zappa, and Vivian
(who I met through Adrienne)
agreed to go see the show
with me. First we had
deep-dish pizzas somewhere
very similar to if not
exactly at Pizzaria Uno at the
eastern end of Kenmore
Square. Then we went to the
show. She didn't like it and
we left. Her parting
conversation as she got into
a cab and I caught the red line
going the other way was to
share her health snack
suggestion of blendering a
lot of garlic with some apple

Which is what, about last
week's piece, reminded me of
that night.

You probably have no idea
what I'm talking about.

David L Nicol

Deep-dish pizza is an offense
against nature, and I say
this as a resident of
California, land of
disgraceful pizza. If you're
seriously saying that your
date consumed deep-dish pizza
without complaint and then
forced you to leave a Zappa
show, she must be a person
completely without powers of
judgment or distinction. I'm
not surprised that a leering
gibbon like that would blend
garlic and apple juice - just
the kind of grotesque
lunchroom concoction the kid
at your school who ate
anything would swallow on a
dare. I trust you had no
further truck with this
individual, and avoided the

Your choice of Slam as the
1998 jail movie is well
considered, but come on -
that scene in the jail yard?
Pure bullshit. Represent!


Fish With Letter Icon

Law of the Jungle

Florida couples need to get
pre-marriage counseling or
pay a few extra bucks to the
state? Good. That money can
go to a fund to pay for the
extra domestic-disturbance
calls police have to respond
to, or unwanted children who
need to go on public support.

Sure, most people don't need
this stuff, but most couples
don't really need blood tests
either. The requirement is
there to screen out the
goofballs that actually have
these problems but will never
try to prevent them unless
forced to by the mighty
mailed fist o' The Man.

Those other goofy laws you
mentioned? Thank God for an
independent judiciary.

Small-l libertarian,

Shawn Metcalf

Twenty extra dollars doesn't
really seem like much of a
deterrent, does it? Oh, I
don't know, honey - if it were
only 60, I'd be willing to
marry you ... but 80? The
idea - strengthening the
institution of marriage - is
just fine. But a lozenge
won't go a whole long way
toward curing cancer.

As for pre-marriage
counseling ... Have you ever
been married? The capacity
for self-delusion, counseling
or no, is mighty strong.
Counseling can only ever
begin to work if the person
or people receiving it are
operating under
the assumption that
they need it, and are
committed to getting value
out of it. Compulsory
government counseling ain't
gonna win a whole lot of
hearts and minds. Sort of a
traffic school scenario, is
what I'm seeing.

Etcetera. And, yes, thank god
for the independent judiciary
- the attacks on that
fortress have yet to succeed.
Huzzah! But the siege

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: At least I can still
have sex with the dead in

Dear Beers,

Very entertaining column
today. Perhaps this rash of
ludicrous legislation is a
desperate plea from our
lawmakers. Perhaps they have
run out of things to
legislate. It seems to me
that there are plenty enough
laws on the books that in the
course of a day your average
citizen could be locked up on
several counts of something
or other. The governing
principle is still the same.
We only lock up the people we
fear, or people we fear are
having more fun (this is why
it is a bad idea to let
Republicans make laws). But
I, like every other
red-blooded American, will
continue to ignore my
government until I'm broke.
That's how I know it's time
for a change. When I run out
of money, and none of my
friends have any either.
Until then, do what thou
wilt, and try not to get


Richard Putney


under cover over darkness,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Just want to let you know
again that I appreciate your
work! I hope you are getting
other feedback too. The
subject of government
intrusion into private
affairs is so neglected that
I just can't let crafty,
smart writing go
uncomplimented. Wish I had
read your article before I
applied to grad school in
Texas! Is it possible to get
Christian Fundamentalist
Dictatorship Insurance?

Kim Marshall

Christian Fundamentalist
Dictatorship Insurance is, in
fact, available at your local
hardware store; the whole
package includes window
shades, a deadbolt, and one
of those slip-'n'-slide things
we all enjoyed so much as
children. Play some music to
keep the neighbors from
listening in.

But, then, you probably won't
be needing said insurance if
you're going to be attending
grad school.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm afraid we might have the
wood on you yanks as far as
reality deprived legislators
go. The youth wing of our
current ruling party recently
proposed that all members of
parliament wear Star Trek
style uniforms and elderly
drivers should be forced to
have G (for geriatric) plates
on their cars

Doubtless, if the trend were
exported, many countries might
want to merge the concepts
and get uniforms with G
already stitched on the back
for their upper-house

In defense of our current
government, they are very
technologically aware - their
party homepage
( has a
homepage button on it, which
provides hours of harmless
fun for many visitors.

Jonathon ineligible

At least you don't have to
worry about being
entertained. Maybe they could
be subdued with some kind of
tranquilizer dart....

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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