The Fish
for 1 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Law of the Jungle

Florida couples need to get
pre-marriage counseling or
pay a few extra bucks to the
state? Good. That money can
go to a fund to pay for the
extra domestic-disturbance
calls police have to respond
to, or unwanted children who
need to go on public support.

Sure, most people don't need
this stuff, but most couples
don't really need blood tests
either. The requirement is
there to screen out the
goofballs that actually have
these problems but will never
try to prevent them unless
forced to by the mighty
mailed fist o' The Man.

Those other goofy laws you
mentioned? Thank God for an
independent judiciary.

Small-l libertarian,

Shawn Metcalf

Twenty extra dollars doesn't
really seem like much of a
deterrent, does it? Oh, I
don't know, honey - if it were
only 60, I'd be willing to
marry you ... but 80? The
idea - strengthening the
institution of marriage - is
just fine. But a lozenge
won't go a whole long way
toward curing cancer.

As for pre-marriage
counseling ... Have you ever
been married? The capacity
for self-delusion, counseling
or no, is mighty strong.
Counseling can only ever
begin to work if the person
or people receiving it are
operating under
the assumption that
they need it, and are
committed to getting value
out of it. Compulsory
government counseling ain't
gonna win a whole lot of
hearts and minds. Sort of a
traffic school scenario, is
what I'm seeing.

Etcetera. And, yes, thank god
for the independent judiciary
- the attacks on that
fortress have yet to succeed.
Huzzah! But the siege

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: At least I can still
have sex with the dead in

Dear Beers,

Very entertaining column
today. Perhaps this rash of
ludicrous legislation is a
desperate plea from our
lawmakers. Perhaps they have
run out of things to
legislate. It seems to me
that there are plenty enough
laws on the books that in the
course of a day your average
citizen could be locked up on
several counts of something
or other. The governing
principle is still the same.
We only lock up the people we
fear, or people we fear are
having more fun (this is why
it is a bad idea to let
Republicans make laws). But
I, like every other
red-blooded American, will
continue to ignore my
government until I'm broke.
That's how I know it's time
for a change. When I run out
of money, and none of my
friends have any either.
Until then, do what thou
wilt, and try not to get


Richard Putney


under cover over darkness,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Just want to let you know
again that I appreciate your
work! I hope you are getting
other feedback too. The
subject of government
intrusion into private
affairs is so neglected that
I just can't let crafty,
smart writing go
uncomplimented. Wish I had
read your article before I
applied to grad school in
Texas! Is it possible to get
Christian Fundamentalist
Dictatorship Insurance?

Kim Marshall

Christian Fundamentalist
Dictatorship Insurance is, in
fact, available at your local
hardware store; the whole
package includes window
shades, a deadbolt, and one
of those slip-'n'-slide things
we all enjoyed so much as
children. Play some music to
keep the neighbors from
listening in.

But, then, you probably won't
be needing said insurance if
you're going to be attending
grad school.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm afraid we might have the
wood on you yanks as far as
reality deprived legislators
go. The youth wing of our
current ruling party recently
proposed that all members of
parliament wear Star Trek
style uniforms and elderly
drivers should be forced to
have G (for geriatric) plates
on their cars

Doubtless, if the trend were
exported, many countries might
want to merge the concepts
and get uniforms with G
already stitched on the back
for their upper-house

In defense of our current
government, they are very
technologically aware - their
party homepage
( has a
homepage button on it, which
provides hours of harmless
fun for many visitors.

Jonathon ineligible

At least you don't have to
worry about being
entertained. Maybe they could
be subdued with some kind of
tranquilizer dart....

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon
Y2K Dreamin'

My initial impression of the
so-called Y2K problem was
that it was an invention of
the Microsoft Spin Machine
and that Bill Gates would
unveil Y2K 99 in December to
"fix" the problem and make
even more cabbage. Then I
realized this was a flawed
theory since, knowing
Microsoft, its Y2K 99
launch would probably happen
in 2001.

One very overlooked aspect in
this media-saturated issue is
that, according to the
American Medical
Association's Y2K page
/y2k/solution.htm), many
computers that are tagged as
non-Y2K compliant will roll
over to 2000 if they are
merely left on. (Of course,
computer consultants don't
make any money off this

I tried the experiment with
a couple of older computers
in our office. If they were
turned off before the perceived
New Year's Eve 2000, they
woke up in 1980 (humming
"London Calling" by the
Clash, I suspect). If left on
for the stroke of that
fateful midnight, they
successfully made it to
2000 without glitches.

Such a piece of info would be
greatly detrimental to the
media's attempts to induce
panic and, generally, have
a no-brainer front-page
story for any slow day this

Don't believe every piece of
the hype,
Tim Booktu

Somehow I suspect the problem
is a little more complicated
than that. Not that I have
the energy to find out.

Unfortunately, I cashed in my
no-brainer story a little
early on in the year. Got any
good back-up ideas that don't
involve Jewel?

Every day is a slow day
without a triple


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Every one of Drudge's Danny
Williams reports stated
emphatically and even
redundantly that the rumor
was unverified and that the
DNA results weren't in. It
would have been somewhat more
honest and accurate, wouldn't
you say, to have mentioned
this fact?

Tom Castle

No. We didn't say he reported
it inaccurately, only that he
made a fool of himself
following a nothing story.

Fish With Letter Icon

I've noticed that the shorter
the email is, the longer your
reply is.

Sal Paradise

Impaler? Can we call you
Vlad? Is this a reference
meant to inspire desire in
the opposite sex? Is it a
coincidence that your email
concerns distinguishing
between short and long? And
you're telling us what you've
noticed? We've noticed you're
rather hung up on the
difference between longer and
shorter, you who refer to
yourself as "Paradise." We're
wondering about your
relationship with your
parents. We're wondering what
the number "37" signifies.
We're wondering what kind of
success you've had in your
dealings with the opposite
sex. We're wondering if you
have a full head of hair.
We're wondering if you
drive some kind of a foreign
sports car, most likely a
280ZX. We're wondering about
those Hawaiian shirts in your
closet, the ones you don't
wear very often since that
girl at the party called you
"Larry." We're wondering if
you knew she meant the cheesy
guy on Three's Company. We're
wondering if we're wrong
about you. We think we might
be. We're sorry. We've
noticed that the less
information we have, the more
assumptions we make.

Fish With Letter Icon

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