The Fish
for 21 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

" ... but we've officially
given up hope that the Fat
Boys might regroup for
Disorderlies II."

This is made all the more
certain by the death of Fat
Boy Darren "the human beat
box" Robinson in 1995, I

The Fat Boys were a talented
musical group, popular
because of their lyrics and
the innovations of the
above-mentioned Mr. Robinson.
Yeah, they were fat, but
that's not why you should be
remembering them.


Matt Sawkill
(slightly pudgy)

Death didn't stop the Beatles
from getting back together or
Tupac from continuing to come
out with new movies. Lynyrd
Skynyrd went on for years
after most of the band died
in a plane crash, and Spinal
Tap is still going strong.
Elvis is bigger than ever.
Being dead has never been a
bar to popular music success.

Besides, we mentioned
Disorderlies because we like
it. Why do people think we're
always being sarcastic?


Fish With Letter Icon

Didn't one of the Fat Boys
die a few years back?

That might make the sequel a
bit difficult, especially if
it was the human beat box
who, uh, kicked it.

(Oh, that was a bad pun. My


Maura Johnston.

You're right on both counts.
The HBB began scratching with
the Eternal MCs in 1995.

But you know, Ralph Bellamy,
the elderly but sprightly
Caucasian who co-starred with
the Boys in Disorderlies
passed on in 1991, and
nobody's complained that
we're dissing him. I think
that's reverse racism. In
fact, I think it's ageism. In
fact, I say it's a hate


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Fat!So? Yeah!!

Hey, Sucksters!!

When I saw your lead story
about Fat!So? this morning, I
gave Marilyn Wann a call to
let her know that she made it
into Suck. Knowing that she
is an avid Suck reader and
that she is currently
offline, I had to read it to
her over the phone. She has
one question for you: What
brand of cigarettes does Mr.
McClure recommend in his
film? She thinks it is
probably Laramie's, but it is
important to get your facts
straight before you put
something into print, as you
well know. Other than that,
the news of getting "sucked"
pleased her!
Neal Johnson


Of course it's Laramie's. We
hope Marilyn liked the hype.
This was that rare case where
we kid because we love, and
there's so much to love.


Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Post-Holiday Grays

Subject: Thank you ...

for the great post-holiday
Filler. It made me want some
coffee or maybe some crack to
kick-start my blahs....

Todd McGuinness

Sluggish? Depressed? I'd
suggest you go see The Thin
Red Line.
Try not to take
anyone who has an unhealthy
attachment to "plot" or who
often refers to movies as
having a great "payoff." Try
to take someone who secretly
writes really bad poetry or
likes Kate Bush but would
rather not discuss it.

It's a great movie. It makes
you glad to be alive, if you
are alive, that is.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Merch', merch',

I wanna Canadian crack rabbit
plush toy with kinda
messed-up fur. And when you
touch it, it hisses. I want

Sean M. Burke

So do I, Sean. Oh God, so do
I. But the man says it's too
expensive to make a product
with a target demographic of
about six. Plus, the hissing
mechanism is very expensive.

You don't happen to have a
large sum of money you'd like
to invest in this venture, do
you now?

Messed-up and hissing,


Fish With Letter Icon

"I just noticed in the 6 January
Filler that the Joey
character and the Polly
character are working in a
house. On the last page, the
Joey character is writing at
a kitchen table while the
Polly character is lying near
an overstuffed chair and
lamp. Does this mean that
Suck is made by people living
together in a house, just
like The Real World? I like The Real
don't you? You could
make a Real World out of your
friends, you know? And you
could all be like, "Hey I
THOUGHT we were friends," and
people could call in and tell
your friends OFF, you know?
That would rule. Or maybe the
TV show Friends should be
about your real-world
friends, I mean your friends
in the real world and not
your friends on The Real
That would be funny,
like all hanging out at the
coffee shop and joking around
about Chandler. I mean, most
of my friends are in punk
rock bands or are chemists
working for the federal
government. You know that
would be FUNNY, how they
interact and all, like trying
to get people together to do
something where some friends
wake up at 5 a.m. and other
friends wake up at 5 p.m.
That's CRAZY, you know?

But more about Suck: So Suck
is made out of a big house
now? Are you going to do a
Jennicam? Because I would
love to be able to sit and
watch you funny people come
up with crazy ideas while I
sit here coding SQL all day,
and I'd pay you guys to do a
personal chat, like I'd be
WAY into paying you guys for
that, so that would make
money for you, you know. You
all would be making money,
which you know is kind of
hard with the new media IPOs
and profit shares and all,
but sometimes we could just
chat for free because we like
to talk. That would be like
this great funny fishbowl on
my desk, because my boss says
I'm not allowed to have real
fish in my office.

Or maybe you could drive over
here like on Road Rules: You
and Joey and Terry could
drive around and go
snowboarding in Colorado with
Ambrose Beers or go visit Ann
O'Tate at her new office. And
I bet you'd be chased out of
there like a scene from some
crazy beer party movie from
the 1980s, except now you'd
have rollerblades, which
would be much funnier than
checkerboard sneakers. And
Mrs. Jones would be like,
"you whippersnappers, you
leave Ann O'Tate alone," and
she would be waving a rolling
pin and some kind of apron,
and Ann O'Tate would be in
the background with a tear
like Iron Eyes Cody who died
yesterday. This would be the
funniest Road Rules EVER, you
know? And maybe you could
drive over and visit me at my
office and my boss would be
all like, "No, no, no, get
that crazy floating fish out
of here," and I'd be all
like, "In ... your ... FACE,
dude," because you guys rule
and SQL is really lame
because it's about databases,
which suck, but you guys
rule. And then I could drive
you guys around like Mentor
on the old Shazam! TV show
through the highways and
byways, and we'd like pick up
hitchikers and stuff, only
they'd think WE were the
freaky ones and ask to get
let out and we'd be like, NO
WAY dude, you're on the CRAZY
TRAIN. Like Super Train, like
Ernest Borgnine's big bus,
it'd be like the ultimate
prom limo, with Joey and
Polly and Terry and the Hack
and the Fish, and it'd be
great, really great, much
more fun than coding SQL.

Don S.

It's funny how the best
letters are a stone's throw
away from the worst, and yet
the difference is so subtle
and special. In this case, I
think the crucial difference
was the tear in Ann's eye.
And the way you try to seem
stupider than you are. I'm
stupider than I seem, so I
like that.

Anyway, the Suck house is
just like you imagine it,
only way, way better. God,
it's divine. It's just
non-stop laughs. We pretend
to hate each other for kicks;
you know, edgy Brothers
humor, but basically
we la-la-love each other. And
we're always like, "In your
FACE, dude" to, like,
everyone, and it's fucking
CRAZY! It's like the prom, 24
hours a day, seven days a

Of course, we know you're
joking, and we love you for
it. But, uh, keep sending us
these scenarios, OK? You're
enhancing our images of
ourselves like you wouldn't


Fish With Letter Icon

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