The Fish
for 12 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

High Anxiety

Clearly anyone who would be
so gauche as to advocate such
things as impeaching the
president for committing
perjury or obstruction of
justice, reducing the size
and scope of government, or
barring junk science from
courtrooms (just a few
examples of recent WSJ
editorial positions) is a
Neanderthal, if not a

While some would argue that
Dorothy Rabinowitz's
continued exposés on the WSJ
editorial page of prosecutors
who have railroaded innocent
people, such as the Amiraults
and Grant Snoweden [sic], on bogus
child abuse charges, is an
example of "the kind of
tough, smart journalism that
can actually make the world a
measurably better place," you
are right to ignore it

After all, even if
Rabinowitz's journalism did
result in several innocent
people having their
convictions overturned and
being freed from prison, it's
important to keep in mind
that not only is Rabinowitz a
Republican, but that one of
the prosecutors she attacked
is Janet Reno, who is not
only a left-leaning woman,
but is a friend and appointee
of the Clinton White House.
If attacking a woman of such
wisdom and virtue is the best
Rabinowitz can do, well then,
it's hardly appropriate to
even think of her work as
journalism, is it?

Keep up the good work and
remember, even if you're
lying its not really lying if
the lie is told in the
service of a greater truth.

Bruce Fancher

Crank that moral indignation
way up to the sky, Bruce -
it's fun to be righteous. But
just for a little factual
balance, you might want to
check out the Journal's
where one writer after
another points out the
substantive errors made in
the conclusion-first-facts-
later stuff that makes up a
good portion of the
newspaper's ed-pages.

At the risk of disappointing
you a bit, I'll part the
curtains enough to reveal
that I - gasp! - view Bill
Clinton with more venom than
I do even Max Boot and Co.;
that I think the great bulk
of government causes do way more
harm than good; and that I
don't actually think that
perjury is, like, cool. And
I've closely followed Dorothy
Rabinowitz's reporting on the
Amiraults and Harold Grant Snowden -
pretty sure you misspelled
his name, by the way - with
at least as much interest as
you have. Not that I'm
anything I imagine you'd
describe as a conservative -
and I'm not a Republican -
but I'm also not the person
you want to think I am.

But here's the problem: The
Journal's ed-pages warriors
are so determined to spell
out the party line that they
stretch their facts - often -
beyond the boundaries of
reality. The issue is not what they
believe; the issue is that,
driven by an intensity of
feeling that sometimes leads
them to distort facts and
offer warped analysis, the
Journal's ed-pages staff
harms its own causes with
work that can be picked
apart. Purity of ideology
isn't impressive; nuanced
analysis is. The folks on the
editorial pages of The Wall
Street Journal
are very pure.

Here at home in Los Angeles,
I forget myself every once in
a while and pick up a copy of
the L.A. Weekly, a really
unbelievably pathetic
alternative newspaper. In the
Weekly's world, brave
leftists take the fight to
craven, dishonorable
corporate executives and
conservative officials; union
organizers stare into the
light of a new tomorrow, free
from greed or ego; and every
Republican whose name appears
in print is a sneering,
hateful bastard who'd be
tearing the guts out of every
poor minority in sight if
only the Army of the Pure
weren't around to keep them
in check. The Weekly makes me
sick. See what I'm saying?

I ... don't ... trust ...
unbalanced ... views.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Having just read today's

Max Boot? Max Boot!!!? Not
being an avid reader of the
WSJ's editorial page, I can
only express surprise and
amusement at the high
position my fellow UC
Berkeley alumnus Mr. Boot has
attained, which I must
ascribe to the Dinesh D'Souza
effect: No matter how
mediocre or ill-informed a
journalist you may be, as
long as you consistently and
loudly maintain a right-wing
stance on every possible
issue, you will get a job
after college.

As for the aforementioned Dr.
Irene Kassorla and what I
presume was a description of
her home, I admire your
restraint in not mentioning
the most salient items on her
curriculum vitae - her roles
as Monica Lewinsky's
therapist and
confidence-booster and
Ken Starr's snitch.

Paul Wagenseil

Thanks for the scoop. Having
attended school with a loud
gaggle of NAS members along
Dinesh's lines, we know what
you mean. But come now, try
not to encourage more
mediocre and ill-informed
writers that they'll have no
trouble finding employment.
Lord knows we know there are
plenty of us around as it is,
paycheck or not.

Fish With Letter Icon

How dare you insult my
taste! I've earned my two -
YES, TWO - kitchens for all
42 rooms in my house, and I
did it on a teacher's salary
by being frugal for many
years. Sure I lost two kids
and 18 pets, but the Ben
Franklin stuff paid off. I am
so HAPPY! I have it all, you
miserable little sod. Suck
sucks when it carries this
vitriolic type of attack on
the fruits of full-out
CAPITALISM. May your hell be
sitting with a full belly of
tainted turkey in the
ethereal British Museum
waiting for Marx to complete
his satanic document, and no
WC in sight.

Other than that, HAVE A


Mac Reynolds

I am very, very excited for

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon
Christmas Alternatives

everyone got a million and a
half presents and i got a cd
a cd book and $5 from my
family and nothing else and i
got a big family that means
only 3 people gave me


Your family obviously doesn't
like you.

Fish With Letter Icon
He's Like the Mold Through My

Subject: hip-oisie or

Polly ... sorry about this,
but I'm having another one of
those days at work where I've
decided I'd really rather
write for Suck than do what
I'm doing right now (well,
not right right now, since
right now I'm wasting the
valuable time and resources
of my employer by sending
elaborate emails to people I
don't know). Be confident,
polly, that I wouldn't
attempt such a glaring
mistake as writing you such
as this without having first
determined that I am not only
a good enough writer, but am
exceedingly witty, and commonly
known as funny, to boot. I
think the best way for us to
continue this process, and
the one quickest to convince
you (of what, though, I don't
know) would be for you to
respond to this with a
concise and glaringly
insulting note telling me to
give it up, jerk, to which I
would respond in part,
exhibiting a self-destructive
nature which would astound
even you, thereby convincing
you that, yes yes, we must
have him.

name withheld to protect the
already precariously employed
yet clearly lacking in
marketable skills>

Never ask the hand that feeds
to go out of its way to feed
you. If you wish to exhibit
your self-destructive nature,
feeling that it would somehow
distinguish you from the
mediocre masses (à la
John Hinkley Jr., for
example) for Pete's sake, do
it on the first try. Don't
beg to be prompted first -
it's a spineless strategy,
one that bespeaks weak-kneed
insecurity. Do you know how
you can tell the highly
unpopular schoolchildren from
their more secure peers?
They're the ones asking whiny
little questions over and
over again. And getting
ignored. Be bold, man! If you
want to write for Suck, write
something and send it in,
just don't use "I" and don't
tell us about your Very Bad
Day, which invariably
climaxes with turning on
Jerry Springer and lamenting
the sorry state of American

For more Suck essay attempts
to avoid, stay tuned for
Suck's Best Unsolicited
Submissions of 1998, made
possible by an unfortunate
listing in The Writer's


Fish With Letter Icon

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