The Fish
for 11 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Christmas Alternatives

everyone got a million and a
half presents and i got a cd
a cd book and $5 from my
family and nothing else and i
got a big family that means
only 3 people gave me
something

<P0G09@aol.com>

Your family obviously doesn't
like you.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
He's Like the Mold Through My
Cheese

Subject: hip-oisie or
cognoscenti

Polly ... sorry about this,
but I'm having another one of
those days at work where I've
decided I'd really rather
write for Suck than do what
I'm doing right now (well,
not right right now, since
right now I'm wasting the
valuable time and resources
of my employer by sending
elaborate emails to people I
don't know). Be confident,
polly, that I wouldn't
attempt such a glaring
mistake as writing you such
as this without having first
determined that I am not only
a good enough writer, but am
exceedingly witty, and commonly
known as funny, to boot. I
think the best way for us to
continue this process, and
the one quickest to convince
you (of what, though, I don't
know) would be for you to
respond to this with a
concise and glaringly
insulting note telling me to
give it up, jerk, to which I
would respond in part,
exhibiting a self-destructive
nature which would astound
even you, thereby convincing
you that, yes yes, we must
have him.

sincerely
<uncapitalized
name withheld to protect the
already precariously employed
yet clearly lacking in
marketable skills>

Never ask the hand that feeds
to go out of its way to feed
you. If you wish to exhibit
your self-destructive nature,
feeling that it would somehow
distinguish you from the
mediocre masses (à la
John Hinkley Jr., for
example) for Pete's sake, do
it on the first try. Don't
beg to be prompted first -
it's a spineless strategy,
one that bespeaks weak-kneed
insecurity. Do you know how
you can tell the highly
unpopular schoolchildren from
their more secure peers?
They're the ones asking whiny
little questions over and
over again. And getting
ignored. Be bold, man! If you
want to write for Suck, write
something and send it in,
just don't use "I" and don't
tell us about your Very Bad
Day, which invariably
climaxes with turning on
Jerry Springer and lamenting
the sorry state of American
culture.

For more Suck essay attempts
to avoid, stay tuned for
Suck's Best Unsolicited
Submissions of 1998, made
possible by an unfortunate
listing in The Writer's
Market.

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler: Deconstructing Ana

Dear Polly,

Just finished reading this
week's Filler, and I was just
wondering what exactly
"post-hipness" entails.

For that matter, what is hip?

It probably has nothing to do
with living in Saskatchewan
or referencing Tower of Power
songs. Damn.

love the column,

Jason
Regina, SK.

If I knew what hip was, do
you really think I'd write
jokes for Fish?

Post-hipness entails knowing
what hip is and then
pretending to forget. You
know it when you see it. More
easily recognizable than hip,
actually, but often confused
with earnestness served with
a side of ironic detachment.

I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.

Self-deprecation:
post-vanity?

Anyway, now aren't you glad
you live in Saskatchewan?

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Polly,

My brother put me onto Suck
claiming that "the girl who
does Filler is exactly like
you." After reading today's
Filler, I called him up and
yelled at him. Just out of
curiosity, is this something
you would do?

Sincerely,

Needeya Islam
<awgsyd@ozemail.com.au>

I don't know. Did you tell
him you were pissed that he
thinks your head looks like
an end table?

If not, we're not much alike.

But it is exciting to think
that there's someone who's
exactly like me in the world,
and that his name is Needeya
Islam.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Missing from Polly's Little
Deconstruction Book:

56. Fix everything with vodka
tonics.

57. Keep it trite.

58. Hem.

59. Haw.

60. Glorify intellectual
poverty.

61. Stink differently.

Joe Kenny

Wow. I'm stinking differently
already!

Those vodka tonics need lots
of lime. I think you should
mention that.

In all my intellectually poor
glory,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Suck,

I am a struggling column
writer in Spartanburg, South
Carolina, and I want to know
how to become smart and hip
and funny. Should I hang out
with smart and hip and funny
people? There are no smart or
hip people in Spartanburg,
and few are funny in the
right way. Should I maybe
move to Columbia? Is there an
instructional videotape? How
did y'all become smart and
hip and funny?

Just wondering,

P.S. Is the Fish hip or just
funny?

Murray

A struggling column writer?
Meaning you're struggling to
write your column or meaning
that you're struggling
because you, in fact, have no
column?

It's fine to hang out with
smart and hip and funny
people, but there's one
problem. This is the
important part, so listen
closely: They have to be
smart and funny.
More often
than not, you'll try to hang
out with smart, hip, funny
people, and you'll find
yourself surrounded by sort
of smart, hip people who
aren't funny at all.
Actually, the most likely
scenario is that you'll find
yourself hanging out with hip
people who are undeniably
stupid and painfully unfunny
(it's a word, trust me). But
they'll probably take neat
photos of you with their Elph
cameras, so you can show your
old friends all your hot new
hip friends, who know all
about music and clothes and
stuff, and that'll be cool.
For about an hour.

The Fish is supposed to be
funny because he's not hip,
but since you didn't get
that, it looks like he's
neither hip nor funny.

I have to stop using the word
"hip" in my columns. It's
like a blind guy dancing
about architecture.

Painfully unfunny,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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