The Fish
for 7 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Misty Water-Colored Pepsi

Subject: Crystal Pepsi

Dear Stefano Rossetto:

I noted your question, posted
for laughs on the Suck
letters page, and as a
concerned world citizen am
answering. By bizarre
coincidence, I was involved
with this product's

Pepsi Cola, like all colas,
is a mix of cola extract,
so-called dark flavors (like
brown sugar and vanilla) and
citrus flavors. It is
naturally clear; the brown
shade is caramel coloring and
is essentially tasteless at
the levels used. Because
"cola" tastes are subtle and
unfamiliar, someone tasting a
cola blind perceives the
product as essentially spicy
with citrus flavor; Pepsi, by
design, is more spicy and
citrus flavored than Coke,
which leans toward the
vanilla and brown sugar

At innumerable times,
depending on who was the
brand manager and how
ignorant he or she was,
someone has come up with the
idea of marketing Pepsi as a
clear beverage, without the
coloring. This always fails;
without the brown color to
identify it, people are
confused. Mind you, it still
tastes very good; it just
confuses people.

The most recent attempt to
sell clear Pepsi was marketed
as Crystal Pepsi, again it
was essentially regular Pepsi
Cola without food coloring.
I'm sure this flopped
dismally when it was tested.
Probably the launch was
driven by the Pepsi CEO Roger
(the ego has landed) Enrico,
the man who single-handedly
brought Apple Slice to
America because he alone
liked it. This is
supposition; I wasn't
involved in the decision.

Crystal Pepsi did, of course,
fail and is no longer sold. I
trust this piece of data from
the Cola Wars helps you in
doing whatever it is that
you're doing.

Alan Kornheiser

Thank you, Alan, for even
more useful information for
our readers.

Fish With Letter Icon

I am a grandmother of three,
with one on the way. I do a
lot of surfing if you can
picture that. My interest is
seeing what is out there on
the Internet. The Web site
just came by accident. To
tell you the truth, I really
enjoy your page. I will tell
others about it. This
recommendation might surprise
people, but I live


"Came just by accident," eh?
We know just how you feel.

Weakly attempting to make
surfing more dangerous,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Fishing rod

Dear Sirs:

How do you do?

Tianjin Longmen Fishing Tool
Co., Ltd., is located in
China, in the Tianjin
development area. The company
is the earliest enterprise
that is making fiberglass rod
in China. At present,the
company has been becomed a
taroest enterprise of fishing
tackle enterprise of China.
The products are fiberglass
rod, carbon rods and hand
rod, dropping rod, double-use
rod, telescopic style, joint
style. There are various
kinds of specifications, all
total 300 kinds of fishing
rod can be made. Its function
is fit for all kinds of

There are very best system of
quality guaranteed. The
products was sold in domestic
of China, and exported to
Asia, Europe, America, Egypt,
and so on. To build up
friendship and achieve
greater development in
business cooperation, it
expresses its warm welcome to
friends both at home and
abroad with its favorable
geographical position and
flexible management system.

B. Regards

Looking forward to earlier

Manager export business

Tianjin Longmen fishing Tool
Co., Ltd
Tanggu Tianjin China

We do well. Suck is the
earliest enterprise that it
is making columns on the
Internet, the graphic portion
of the World Wide Web. It
expresses its warm welcome to
friends both at home and
abroad with its unfavorable
geographical position and its
unflexible and downright
pissy management system. To
avoid waxy friendship
build-up, wash with water,
very hot!

Looking backward to previous


Fish With Letter Icon

Dissent of Man

Dear Tim:

You missed some obvious
targets by leaving out both
cubism and surrealism, and we
thank you for that. Still,
sometimes the out-of-left
field folk do get it right
and at the least they provide
a useful reality check on the
truth-is-beauty people. Hard
as it is to believe that an
entire species suffers from a
trace-element deficiency (and
no, I don't believe it for a
minute) and foolish as it is
to assume that our ancestors
were incapable of
nonrepresentational art, it
is true that very few
organisms really do function
at full design
specifications. Just as in
our own species, for example,
apparently a form of
blindness, caused by a
vitamin A deficiency during
pregnancy, is so common in
parts of Africa that women
who don't suffer some sort of
vision loss during pregnancy
worry that's there's
something wrong with their
pregnancies. Maybe it's a
mistake to reject the
iodine-deficiency argument
out of hand.

Incidentally, Ganesh (whose
likeness watches me as we
speak, on the wall right next
to one of Terry's more-apt
creations), is the Hindu god
of trouble. Not "getting out
of trouble" or "getting into
trouble"; just trouble in
general. Apparently he plays
both sides of the street: He
both causes it and fixes it.
An apt metaphor for a writer,
eh? Not to mention excellent
job security.

Funny piece. Thanks.

Alan Kornheiser


I'm still waiting for news
that the fabled Irish Curse
is caused by a vitamin
deficiency, which can be
cured by massive lard



Fish With Letter Icon

Oh, I get it!!! This is
humor. Oh man. What a
formula. In fact, I'm
guessing, somebody wrote
this. Ha ha ha. Did you pay
them? Are you paying people
to write formula humor now???

How about this? How much
would you pay me for this?:

The embryo was transferred
into a surrogate mother, who
gave birth to what the
researchers believed were
cloned mice.

Waiting for my check,

M. Nick

That joke sucks, M. Even by
the lowest formula standards,
we wouldn't pay a plug nickel
for it.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Between today's Filler and 3
December's link to Ana's
(incomprehensible) Feed
article, I would like to say
a word on her behalf:

Too many nasty Ana Marie Cox
allusions in one month.

Pass the beets.

Siobhan Adcock

Oh get your lips out of her
keester, Siobhan. She's not
going to help you with
whatever job you're trying to

Fish With Letter Icon


Are you "really" the writers
from Spy magazine??? I really miss
Spy and itz 'bent' on thingz
politic ... I suddenly feel
like the kid who wants his
Maypo! Gimme Spy! (pleaze!!!).


Terry L. Witter

Yeah, Terry, we're the
writers from Spy. This is
just something we do to keep
ourselves amused in between
our regular gigs at The New
and Vanity Fair. When
we're not dating models or
being knighted by foreign
dignitaries, we also publish
mimeographed newsletters
detailing our right-wing
political views. We also
drink champagne out of the
navels of starlets, but still
find time to pen the Mr.
Snitch column in your local
Smart Shopper newspaper.



Fish With Letter Icon

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