The Fish
for 14 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ad Lib

I appreciate the link to my
Web site on the Taco Bell

I enjoy the increased
traffic, especially for the
products I'm selling.


We're just happy to help
spread the word that
Chihuahua lunch boxes are
available for those who want


St. Huck

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sir,

In your Suck column dated 1
December 1998, you labeled
Dinky (is that really his
name?), the Taco Bell "meat"
mongering Chihuahua, as "the
new Seinfeld," as well as
"TV's most beloved star," and
you wrote that he has a fan
base as well as a
merchandising niche.

What's wrong with these
people? Over the summer, I
penned a critical email to
Taco Bell on this important
issue. I later decided
not to send it, since
I knew that I wrote it
mostly to be an obnoxious
punk. But apparently, my
input might have helped.

Taco Bell and its customers
have an implicit agreement
not to question the quality
of the food, in exchange for
prices so low that the
chances of legitimate
substances being in Mexican
Pizzas and Volcano Burritos
(remember those?) are slim to
none. Far from being a
Seinfeld (who brought laughs,
joys, and tales of an
inappropriate yet legal
relationship with a nearly
underage woman to millions),
Dinky brings revulsion. If I,
as a Taco Bell customer, were
to associate Dinky with my
trip through the Taco Bell
drive-through, there's no way
I would make it even halfway
through without puking. Dinky
endangers the Taco Bell
consumer's suspension of
disbelief, bringing to mind
such questions as "What the
hell is in this thing?" -
questions that were
compartmentalized to the back
of one's mind ages ago in an
effort to pursue life,
liberty, and low-cost,
low-quality fast food.

In short, Taco Bell food
makes McDonald's food look
good. Dinky threatens to
destroy the consumer's
ability to ignore that fact
as well as many repulsive
suspicions. A Chihuahua: What
were they thinking?


Soft Sarkar Supreme

Experiments in my leaner
freelancing years proved that
Chihuahuas are a pretty
niggling source of
sustenance, so not to worry.
If you're suspicious of the
origins of the meat, think
mules or horses or something
like that. If they were using
actual Chihuahuas to meet the
demand, the breed would be
extinct in a matter of weeks.



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Re: $4,470

The KLF did it first, and
arguably better.

About the only real
difference is they didn't
make it into a magazine ad,
they made it into a movie.

<> Someone also did something
first and better. The trick
is to do it when some
writer's on deadline and
needs examples to
particularize a half-baked



Fish With Letter Icon
Pile Driver

I liked it. Suck takes a lot
of shit around here because
it attempts to defy the laws
of thermodynamics by making
something out of nothing,
albeit in that
way. I don't recall snideness
ever being heralded as a good

But your columns do better to
serve the
intent of Suck. You made a
good point.


Dow takes a lot of shit
around here for exiting the
magnesium business, not to
mention this thing about
emphasizing the role of
METHOCEL* hydroxypropyl
methylcellulose. I mean, come
on. What's up with that?

Heralding snideness,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

That's just what we need: more
traitors and tube steak in the
White House. This is why I
killed my TV with a 12-gauge.
We have enough timorous
obsequiousness in the media
as it is. Dan Blather will
just cream.


Dave Earnest

Using a 12-gauge on your TV
is a serious example of
overkill. I hope you at least
used birdshot.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Ambrose:

Just a note regarding the
Suck column on November 24th:

Although I am definitely not
a Turner apologist, I think
the jury is (or should be)
still out regarding Tailwind.
Your Web zine has the
flavor of being alternative,
but is it really? Please
check out this page for
another side of the story.

This is the rebuttal from
April Oliver (the
producer of the segment), et al.
Remember, just because Ted
and CNN retracted their story
doesn't mean it is totally
without merit.


Loren Routh
Suck reader

Although I suspect the jury
is mostly in on Tailwind, I
also remain vaguely
suspicious. And this is why I
described the Tailwind story
as having turned out to be
"not demonstrably true"
rather than "not true." And
yes, I was - we are - highly
aware of the arguments
presented in the Freedom
Forum piece. But thanks for
the helpful reminder.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Thanksgiving Special!

It was a great list of ways
Thanksgiving can go wrong.
But you missed one.


You plan for two of your
best friends (oh,
hypothetically, let's call
them Ficus and Ethan)
to come to your place
for Thanksgiving dinner. They
drive; you cook. So you
prepare a nice roast beef,
candied yams, green beans,
homemade pecan pie,
appetizers - a really cool
spread. You also turn down
two invitations to other
people's dinners, since
you're going to be spending
the day slacking with people
from out of town that you
don't get to see very often.

Then come 3 p.m. you get a
call from Ethan. He says he
"doesn't feel well," which
based on a couple of hints in
the conversation, must be
code for "I was up until 8
a.m. playing Starcraft and
I'm going back to bed." And
that motherfucker Ficus
doesn't even have the
consideration to call you and
let you know he's not coming
either. You get to figure
that out for yourself. So
there you are: a whole
holiday spent alone and $70
worth of leftovers to show
for it. The roast was tasty,
but you have four pounds of
it left, so you know in a
couple days the mere mention
of the words "roast beef"
will induce a Pavlovian
vomiting response.

And then, as if you weren't
feeling sorry enough for
yourself, you find yourself
ending the day by emailing
some writer at a Web zine,
wondering if it's possible to
sink any lower.

I liked the article. Thanks,

<name withheld to protect
the dissed>

People certainly do
disappoint, don't they?

That should be Filler's
subtitle. As in Filler:
Because People Disappoint.

Either that or:
Filler: Chock Full o'
Fascinating Insights into the
Human Condition.

As disappointed as ever,


Fish With Letter Icon

Either it was the four Sierra
Nevadas I drank in the wake
of Thanksgiving or the music
coming out of my stereo
(Future Days, Can), but I
found it very eerie that we
share the exact same
misadventures of the
aforementioned holiday. (OK,
I was in Florida, not
Hawaii.) What gives? Is the
FBI offering Pay-Per-View of
my phone taps? Or have you
tapped into one of them there
Jungian archetypes? Whatever
it was, kudos - and don't do
it again, awright?

Sort of creeped out,


I drank four Sierra Nevadas
in the wake of Thanksgiving,
too. So did everyone else.
We're all living the exact
same mundane life, don't you

It's yet another reason why people
disappoint. But it sure makes
"humor" easy.

Even more disappointed,


Fish With Letter Icon

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