The Fish
for 8 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

on a Gravy Train


Regarding your hilarious take
on the sudden explosion of
movie roles for which
Christopher Reeve is perfect:

Don't you see? This was all
in Reeve's evil master plan.
He's not paralyzed! He's
perfectly fine. Concocting
the story that he was made a
quadriplegic in a
horse-riding accident is a
stroke of pure genius! Get
your interviews with Barbara
Walters, show your wife and
kids helping to haul your
"paralyzed" butt in and out
of your wheelchair, remind
people you once played
Superman, and let the
trash-pandering media paint
the "physical fall/spiritual
rise" metaphor in broad
brushstrokes. After 20 years
in Hollywood, Reeve has
finally shown the world that
he really CAN act.

Playing the "real-world" role
of disabled
Disabilities Act poster child
is the greatest acting role
of his career. Maybe the
greatest role of the century
(better even than L. Ron
Hubbard acting as a religious
leader). Whole future PR
textbooks will be written
just on it. Sit back, take
notes, and see how it's done,

Yours in keepin' it real.


What I'm really waiting for
is the unmasking of Carrot
Top as the formerly
believed-to-be-dead comic
Andy Kauffman.

Solly G.

Fish With Letter Icon

Academia Macademia

Subject: Crystal Pepsi


I'm a student of the
University of Padova (ITALY).
I'm looking for some
informations about "crystal
pepsi." Can you help me?


Stefano Rossetto

Unfortunately, Ana, our
resident Crystal Pepsi
analyst, is no longer
employed here, thus we can't
help you with some

And who says people across
the globe don't take Suck

Too much informations,

Fish With Letter Icon

Cap'n Credit Crunch


Good Suck!

But what the hell is with the
Internet stocks?!?!

Yahoo at 191?!?! Huh? eBay
going bonkers?!?!

Am I the only one that shakes
his head at this stuff?!?

Has Yahoo even posted a
profit yet? And if so, does
it in any way justify the
outrageousness of the stock?
And does trading Beanie
Babies really deserve the
skyrocketing price of eBay?

I just don't get it. I don't
see any good revenue streams
from MOST of these companies,
but people just can't seem to
suck up these stocks fast
enough. WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Yahoo, for example. Okay,
there's a banner ad. There's
another. But is this really
worthy of the amazing rise in
its stock?

I'm confused. And I apologize
for the rampant and
exaggerated use of question
marks and exclamation points.

As far as I can tell, Yahoo
hasn't derived a dime from
me, for anything, but to look
at its stock you'd think they
were taking over the world.
Aren't there dozens of search

I am of the belief that these
are all giant paper tigers.
Okay, Ebay gets a commission
on each sale, fine, but I
think there's a perception
that these companies do
something that they simply do
not do - make money.

Can someone please explain
this to me? I consider myself
at least marginally
intelligent, but I can't
fathom it at all.

By these standards, Suck
should be splitting stock and
skyrocketing its value to
US$300 to $500 a share.

GO PUBLIC! You've got banner

That seems to be the ticket.
Jack the price, then run for
the hills after cashing in.


Thanks for the vote of
support, Joe, but for the
time being we sort of like
the idea of being, as they
say, a closely held concern.
(It's sort of like being
ribbed, for our pleasure.)

As for Net stocks, James
Cramer at
recently pointed out that
their prices reflect a sneaky
"tight issue" strategy of
late. (This should not be
confused with the pictorial
of "Squeaky" in the latest
Tight issue.) Apparently
there just aren't enough
shares of Net stocks being
issued, so when FMR goes
looking to buy a block
100,000, the only way to do
it is to buy in smaller
increments, which is part of
what's driving up the price.

Besides, we know that going
public would just be an
excuse for hedge funds to
"short Suck," a practice we
don't want to encourage -
among stock brokers or
anybody else.


Fish With Letter Icon
Hit & Run

So somehow funneling
taxpayer money into the
pockets of the rich was a
good thing? Care to
elaborate? I mean, if this is
what allowed us to have such
high living standards, we
could just give them all our
money. Besides, doesn't
paying people to do work that you
admit you don't need done
smack of another
less-successful social
program? (Oh, I forgot, this
one's good because it's for
people with the right skin
color.) Tax subsidy for the
rich by way of the Pentagon
is not a good thing guys. It
doesn't take a genius to
realize that someone taking
your cash and handing it to
someone else does not benefit
you. What more likely funded
our high living standards is
the (continuing) subjugation
of the third world. It is our
dominance of the human and
natural resources in these
countries which enabled us to
"win" the Cold War. Anyway,
fuck you in advance for
whatever snappy reply you

Joseph Hammerman

Since you refer to welfare,
here's a quick analogy.
Having lived most of my adult
life in apartment buildings
populated mainly by welfare
recipients, I can tell you
that many landlords are happy
to have folks on the dole in
their buildings, as they are
frequently the only tenants
who can be depended on to
have a check every month.

Similarly, in addition to the
gainful employment it
provided to millions both in
and out of uniform, the
salary runoff from military
bases has allowed shopkeepers
in remote places like Minot,
North Dakota, and the California desert
maintain a steady living.
Every industry breeds
ancillary industries, and the
Military Industrial Complex
bred more than most. This is
why the real screaming about
cuts in the defense budget
has often come not from
people in the military but
from members of Congress
concerned about what base and
plant closings would do to
their local economies.

As for the MIC's actual
impact on the outcome of the
Cold War, I won't go into
that, except to point out
that we won.


Fish With Letter Icon

"You'd think there would only
be so many ways you could
spin the Cold War, what with
the way it turned out and

I'll give you four ways you
can spin the Cold War, what
with the way it turned out.
In advancing degrees of pink,
if you please.

The United States forced the
Soviet Union to outspend
itself by ratcheting up the
arms race to the point where
the Russkies bankrupted
themselves trying to compete.
Thus we proved that democracy
is better than communism,
symbolized by the
growth of fast-food chains in
Moscow that marked the
progression of perestroika.
Or glasnost.

There were no winners to the
Cold War because Cold War
governments spent on military
armaments at the expense of
infrastructure, schools, and
social programs, resulting in
an unsustainable defense
economy and unrecognizably
undereducated products of
America's supposedly shining
democratic institution of
public schools. Likewise, the
bread-line Soviet Union
transformed into the parody
of an economy that's
run by its mafia today.

The vast majority of the
world's Third World
population lost heavy, as the
United States played out its
bomb-the-Reds fantasies amid
its anticolonial and
prodemocracy movements.
Examples range from the wrong
(Khmer Rouge) to the
debatable (Viet Cong) to the
murderous (El Salvador,
Nicaragua) to the equally
murderous and even more
baldly antidemocratic
(Chile). Add in the
near-strangulation of
the world's most enduring
socialist experiment (Cuba),
and there's your freakin'

Josh Kamensky

That's only three. Here's a

In the competition between a
free-market democracy and a
command-economy dictatorship,
the superiority of the former
was demonstrated by its
ability to outspend its rival
with only a modest amount of
social suffering (and in
fact, many social benefits,
including accelerated
development of satellite
communications and jet air
travel and the invention of
the computer network that you
are using to read this
sentence). Even at the
heights of paranoia and
frenzied defense spending,
the privations endured by the
American people were modest
by comparison to the endless
cycle of trauma visited on
the Soviets by their own
system. As a special benefit,
it's also becoming clear that
the Soviet Union did more
damage to the Russian
ecosystem than America's
out-of-control corporations
did to our own. At the end of
the day, the Soviet Union
collapsed, and the earth was
rid of a system that killed,
brutalized, and enslaved more
people than Somoza, Pinochet,
and all America's other petty
clients combined. It was a
bloodless victory so total
and unprecedented that the
only people who question
whether it was worth it are
sentimentalists who don't
want to admit they were


Fish With Letter Icon

Strangers on a Gravy Train

Holy smokes that was bad.
Poor taste, too. It looks as
though you were really
grasping at straws to find
something worth writing
about. Spend too much time in
the pub? Cramming to get the
work done? I mean really, it
may be bandwagonesque for the
big networks to get behind
Reeve in this fashion, and
yeah there'll be a "we made
money from a feel good thing"
(how is it different than any
other Catch-22 in Hollywood?)
but admit it, he's got guts
to lose so much and come back
so fast doing what he loves
to do.

Judd Cochrane

Channeling Robin Williams:

"Holy Smoke? We're talking
about Superman, dude? Don't
you mean Great Caesar's
ghost! A-ha! What was so
great about Caesar anyway?
Sure he made a good salad,
but so did the Greeks and you
don't hear anyone going
around saying Great Greeks
Ghost, do you? What's that,
Demosthenes? Oh no you say
Greece is going to invade
Turkey from the rear? Oh
humanity! You really are a
Crete-an! Oh don't hit me
master, I'm just a comedian

But seriously, Reeve does
have guts. Why he's got more
guts than the menudo sandwich
I just ate at the Warner
Bros. commissary. A-ha! Isn't
that where they made Wizard
of Oz? What if the munchkins
ran the commissary? I bet
we'd get really good candy -
those dudes are *connected*:
We represent the lollipop
guild ... C'mon Guido, let's
go bust some heads at Willie
Wonka's. I hear the
Oompah-Loompahs don't have a
dental plan and you know how
bad *their* teeth are ...

Solomon G.

Fish With Letter Icon

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