The Fish
for 7 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run

So somehow funneling
taxpayer money into the
pockets of the rich was a
good thing? Care to
elaborate? I mean, if this is
what allowed us to have such
high living standards, we
could just give them all our
money. Besides, doesn't
paying people to do work that you
admit you don't need done
smack of another
less-successful social
program? (Oh, I forgot, this
one's good because it's for
people with the right skin
color.) Tax subsidy for the
rich by way of the Pentagon
is not a good thing guys. It
doesn't take a genius to
realize that someone taking
your cash and handing it to
someone else does not benefit
you. What more likely funded
our high living standards is
the (continuing) subjugation
of the third world. It is our
dominance of the human and
natural resources in these
countries which enabled us to
"win" the Cold War. Anyway,
fuck you in advance for
whatever snappy reply you

Joseph Hammerman

Since you refer to welfare,
here's a quick analogy.
Having lived most of my adult
life in apartment buildings
populated mainly by welfare
recipients, I can tell you
that many landlords are happy
to have folks on the dole in
their buildings, as they are
frequently the only tenants
who can be depended on to
have a check every month.

Similarly, in addition to the
gainful employment it
provided to millions both in
and out of uniform, the
salary runoff from military
bases has allowed shopkeepers
in remote places like Minot,
North Dakota, and the California desert
maintain a steady living.
Every industry breeds
ancillary industries, and the
Military Industrial Complex
bred more than most. This is
why the real screaming about
cuts in the defense budget
has often come not from
people in the military but
from members of Congress
concerned about what base and
plant closings would do to
their local economies.

As for the MIC's actual
impact on the outcome of the
Cold War, I won't go into
that, except to point out
that we won.


Fish With Letter Icon

"You'd think there would only
be so many ways you could
spin the Cold War, what with
the way it turned out and

I'll give you four ways you
can spin the Cold War, what
with the way it turned out.
In advancing degrees of pink,
if you please.

The United States forced the
Soviet Union to outspend
itself by ratcheting up the
arms race to the point where
the Russkies bankrupted
themselves trying to compete.
Thus we proved that democracy
is better than communism,
symbolized by the
growth of fast-food chains in
Moscow that marked the
progression of perestroika.
Or glasnost.

There were no winners to the
Cold War because Cold War
governments spent on military
armaments at the expense of
infrastructure, schools, and
social programs, resulting in
an unsustainable defense
economy and unrecognizably
undereducated products of
America's supposedly shining
democratic institution of
public schools. Likewise, the
bread-line Soviet Union
transformed into the parody
of an economy that's
run by its mafia today.

The vast majority of the
world's Third World
population lost heavy, as the
United States played out its
bomb-the-Reds fantasies amid
its anticolonial and
prodemocracy movements.
Examples range from the wrong
(Khmer Rouge) to the
debatable (Viet Cong) to the
murderous (El Salvador,
Nicaragua) to the equally
murderous and even more
baldly antidemocratic
(Chile). Add in the
near-strangulation of
the world's most enduring
socialist experiment (Cuba),
and there's your freakin'

Josh Kamensky

That's only three. Here's a

In the competition between a
free-market democracy and a
command-economy dictatorship,
the superiority of the former
was demonstrated by its
ability to outspend its rival
with only a modest amount of
social suffering (and in
fact, many social benefits,
including accelerated
development of satellite
communications and jet air
travel and the invention of
the computer network that you
are using to read this
sentence). Even at the
heights of paranoia and
frenzied defense spending,
the privations endured by the
American people were modest
by comparison to the endless
cycle of trauma visited on
the Soviets by their own
system. As a special benefit,
it's also becoming clear that
the Soviet Union did more
damage to the Russian
ecosystem than America's
out-of-control corporations
did to our own. At the end of
the day, the Soviet Union
collapsed, and the earth was
rid of a system that killed,
brutalized, and enslaved more
people than Somoza, Pinochet,
and all America's other petty
clients combined. It was a
bloodless victory so total
and unprecedented that the
only people who question
whether it was worth it are
sentimentalists who don't
want to admit they were


Fish With Letter Icon

Strangers on a Gravy Train

Holy smokes that was bad.
Poor taste, too. It looks as
though you were really
grasping at straws to find
something worth writing
about. Spend too much time in
the pub? Cramming to get the
work done? I mean really, it
may be bandwagonesque for the
big networks to get behind
Reeve in this fashion, and
yeah there'll be a "we made
money from a feel good thing"
(how is it different than any
other Catch-22 in Hollywood?)
but admit it, he's got guts
to lose so much and come back
so fast doing what he loves
to do.

Judd Cochrane

Channeling Robin Williams:

"Holy Smoke? We're talking
about Superman, dude? Don't
you mean Great Caesar's
ghost! A-ha! What was so
great about Caesar anyway?
Sure he made a good salad,
but so did the Greeks and you
don't hear anyone going
around saying Great Greeks
Ghost, do you? What's that,
Demosthenes? Oh no you say
Greece is going to invade
Turkey from the rear? Oh
humanity! You really are a
Crete-an! Oh don't hit me
master, I'm just a comedian

But seriously, Reeve does
have guts. Why he's got more
guts than the menudo sandwich
I just ate at the Warner
Bros. commissary. A-ha! Isn't
that where they made Wizard
of Oz? What if the munchkins
ran the commissary? I bet
we'd get really good candy -
those dudes are *connected*:
We represent the lollipop
guild ... C'mon Guido, let's
go bust some heads at Willie
Wonka's. I hear the
Oompah-Loompahs don't have a
dental plan and you know how
bad *their* teeth are ...

Solomon G.

Fish With Letter Icon

Strangers on a Gravy Train

Suck's always reveled in
lambasting any sacred cow du
jour, usually ignoring any
noble intent. That's fine, I
suppose, and often amusing.

I suppose your intention this
time was to ridicule ABC
and/or Reeve's possible
attempt to cash in on his
infirmity through facile
casting. But your only
evidence that Reeve's actions
are motivated by greed is the
support of a more popular
actor, Robin Williams. Then
you extrapolate to a number
of other remakes that cart
Reeve out for ratings while
leaving the real
entertainment to another
star. I wouldn't put that
past the realm of possibilty,
but it hasn't happened, and
while you may be lampooning a
culture that will capitalize
on disabilty, what you
present in the end are a
bunch of demeaning cartoons
of a crippled man.

It's mean-spirited and


Erik Braun

But if we won't be
mean-spirited and shameful,
who will?

Fish With Letter Icon

Your Friday digest on
Christopher Reeve was sick
and disgusting! Totally
politically incorrect! The
epitome of depravity and a
sin against all that is moral
and righteous. Unsuitable for
decent society! A meaningless
self-indulgence devoid of
human compassion!

Keep up the good work.

If you haven't already, I
would love to see you gut any
or all of the following:

Suburban soccer mom (with
vanity license plates like
SOCRBUS or SOCRMOM), ballet or
modern dance, Oprah, (Touched
by an Angel,
) and other TV
chicken soup for the soul
Louise L. Haye ("You Can Be a
Parody of Yourself!") Bob
Dylan (Still Off-Key After
All These Years) Bioré
Face Strips and their hideous

Thanks for a small bit of
iconoclasm America so
desperately needs.

Louis Lynch


Fish With Letter Icon

personally, i think it's
great that reeve is getting
back into the scene, even if
he can't get out of his seat.
i generally find suck's
rantings pretty humorous, but
this morning's piece was like
beating a chicken for not
flying south in the winter ...
... or something like that ...

... you could have at least
mentioned dan aykroyd's role
as hitchcock cameo stand-in.
go dig for some kryptonite.

Burr Settles

Tune in next week on our
shameless attack on salmon
for swimming upstream.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear SG:

I'm not going to take a zing
at you for sending up Chris
Reeve; he's a public figure,
and if he can campaign for
sympathy he can take the
converse. Nor am I going to
comment on your antipathy
toward Robin Williams
(although the American
Association of Hairy Men and
the Women Who Love Them will
be calling soon). I just want
to tell you about actors.

Actors, good actors, work at
their jobs. When they can't
get good jobs, they take bad
ones. They take dumb roles
for good money so they can
take good roles for bad
money. It's what they do.
Look, for example, at the
roles Lord Olivier played, or
indeed most of the titled
Brits. There's tons of
rubbish there, because for an
actor working is better than
not working.

It's easy to confuse actors
with celebrities,
spokesmodels, and TV people
(not to mention People
people). I had always thought
Chris Reeve was indeed one of
the latter, just a pretty
face who liked the attention
and the money. I think I was
wrong; he's an actor. And if
he's working in some pretty
silly venues, it's because
that's where he can work, and
working at their craft is
what actors do.

Alan Kornheiser

Well said, Alan. Words of
wisdom. He was good in Death

And by the same token, we are
sorry little bitches, and if
we've bitched about some
pretty silly things, it's
because we can bitch, and
bitching is what bitches do.

Fish With Letter Icon

You guys are so fuckin mean
to poor Christopher Reeve.
But I have to admit the
commercials for Rear Window
make me laugh my ass off.
Superman saying "Let's turn
up the heat" followed by the
soft hum of his wheelchair
moving around is just too

And I have to admit you
weren't nearly as mean as The
my favorite weekly
newspaper (,
which did two stories on Reeve
last year. One was something
like "Christohper Reeve
Mounted on Washington
Monument" and had a damn
hilarious picture of the
ceremony in which Reeve was
lifted by crane and bolted to
the top of the Washington
Monument as a symbol of hope
or whatever. The other was
"Chrostopher Reeve named Man
of the Year by Inspirational
Cripple Magazine." That's
just one damn funny headline.
And cruel, but hey, if ya
can't take the heat, stay on
your damn horse.

Robert Chappell

(Thin, whiny voice) No fair!
The Onion gets away with

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Solomon,

I must say that on the onset,
i'm rather offended by your
Chris Reeves /Hitchcock

I have a question : What,
exactly did Christopher
Reeves DO to you to deserve
such a pummeling? (Other
than stubbornly remaining
"active" in the so-called
entertainment industry.)

Lucky for you, the constant
berating of Robin Williams
made "the whole thing funny."

I mean, you came pretty damn
close to being outta line
with that one.

Carl Pelletier

Close to being outta line?
Come on ref, we were out,
clearly 100 percent out of line!

What did Reeve do to deserve
such a pummeling? Well, what
did you do to deserve working
for a company with the word
"systeme" in its name? What
did Joey do to deserve being
consistently rendered by
illustrator Terry Colon as a
hunchback in a hideous
lint-producing sweater? What
did redheads do to deserve
the constant threat of being
beaten like a redheaded

Reeve certainly deserves such
a pummeling less than almost
anyone, given what he's gone

Actually, you're right. We're
mean and unfair.



Fish With Letter Icon

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