The Fish
for 4 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Strangers on a Gravy Train

Suck's always reveled in
lambasting any sacred cow du
jour, usually ignoring any
noble intent. That's fine, I
suppose, and often amusing.

I suppose your intention this
time was to ridicule ABC
and/or Reeve's possible
attempt to cash in on his
infirmity through facile
casting. But your only
evidence that Reeve's actions
are motivated by greed is the
support of a more popular
actor, Robin Williams. Then
you extrapolate to a number
of other remakes that cart
Reeve out for ratings while
leaving the real
entertainment to another
star. I wouldn't put that
past the realm of possibilty,
but it hasn't happened, and
while you may be lampooning a
culture that will capitalize
on disabilty, what you
present in the end are a
bunch of demeaning cartoons
of a crippled man.

It's mean-spirited and


Erik Braun

But if we won't be
mean-spirited and shameful,
who will?

Fish With Letter Icon

Your Friday digest on
Christopher Reeve was sick
and disgusting! Totally
politically incorrect! The
epitome of depravity and a
sin against all that is moral
and righteous. Unsuitable for
decent society! A meaningless
self-indulgence devoid of
human compassion!

Keep up the good work.

If you haven't already, I
would love to see you gut any
or all of the following:

Suburban soccer mom (with
vanity license plates like
SOCRBUS or SOCRMOM), ballet or
modern dance, Oprah, (Touched
by an Angel,
) and other TV
chicken soup for the soul
Louise L. Haye ("You Can Be a
Parody of Yourself!") Bob
Dylan (Still Off-Key After
All These Years) Bioré
Face Strips and their hideous

Thanks for a small bit of
iconoclasm America so
desperately needs.

Louis Lynch


Fish With Letter Icon

personally, i think it's
great that reeve is getting
back into the scene, even if
he can't get out of his seat.
i generally find suck's
rantings pretty humorous, but
this morning's piece was like
beating a chicken for not
flying south in the winter ...
... or something like that ...

... you could have at least
mentioned dan aykroyd's role
as hitchcock cameo stand-in.
go dig for some kryptonite.

Burr Settles

Tune in next week on our
shameless attack on salmon
for swimming upstream.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear SG:

I'm not going to take a zing
at you for sending up Chris
Reeve; he's a public figure,
and if he can campaign for
sympathy he can take the
converse. Nor am I going to
comment on your antipathy
toward Robin Williams
(although the American
Association of Hairy Men and
the Women Who Love Them will
be calling soon). I just want
to tell you about actors.

Actors, good actors, work at
their jobs. When they can't
get good jobs, they take bad
ones. They take dumb roles
for good money so they can
take good roles for bad
money. It's what they do.
Look, for example, at the
roles Lord Olivier played, or
indeed most of the titled
Brits. There's tons of
rubbish there, because for an
actor working is better than
not working.

It's easy to confuse actors
with celebrities,
spokesmodels, and TV people
(not to mention People
people). I had always thought
Chris Reeve was indeed one of
the latter, just a pretty
face who liked the attention
and the money. I think I was
wrong; he's an actor. And if
he's working in some pretty
silly venues, it's because
that's where he can work, and
working at their craft is
what actors do.

Alan Kornheiser

Well said, Alan. Words of
wisdom. He was good in Death

And by the same token, we are
sorry little bitches, and if
we've bitched about some
pretty silly things, it's
because we can bitch, and
bitching is what bitches do.

Fish With Letter Icon

You guys are so fuckin mean
to poor Christopher Reeve.
But I have to admit the
commercials for Rear Window
make me laugh my ass off.
Superman saying "Let's turn
up the heat" followed by the
soft hum of his wheelchair
moving around is just too

And I have to admit you
weren't nearly as mean as The
my favorite weekly
newspaper (,
which did two stories on Reeve
last year. One was something
like "Christohper Reeve
Mounted on Washington
Monument" and had a damn
hilarious picture of the
ceremony in which Reeve was
lifted by crane and bolted to
the top of the Washington
Monument as a symbol of hope
or whatever. The other was
"Chrostopher Reeve named Man
of the Year by Inspirational
Cripple Magazine." That's
just one damn funny headline.
And cruel, but hey, if ya
can't take the heat, stay on
your damn horse.

Robert Chappell

(Thin, whiny voice) No fair!
The Onion gets away with

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Solomon,

I must say that on the onset,
i'm rather offended by your
Chris Reeves /Hitchcock

I have a question : What,
exactly did Christopher
Reeves DO to you to deserve
such a pummeling? (Other
than stubbornly remaining
"active" in the so-called
entertainment industry.)

Lucky for you, the constant
berating of Robin Williams
made "the whole thing funny."

I mean, you came pretty damn
close to being outta line
with that one.

Carl Pelletier

Close to being outta line?
Come on ref, we were out,
clearly 100 percent out of line!

What did Reeve do to deserve
such a pummeling? Well, what
did you do to deserve working
for a company with the word
"systeme" in its name? What
did Joey do to deserve being
consistently rendered by
illustrator Terry Colon as a
hunchback in a hideous
lint-producing sweater? What
did redheads do to deserve
the constant threat of being
beaten like a redheaded

Reeve certainly deserves such
a pummeling less than almost
anyone, given what he's gone

Actually, you're right. We're
mean and unfair.



Fish With Letter Icon

Follow-up Fish

What Reagan did can't fairly
be called "lionization."
Perhaps he exhibited poor
judgement, poor planning,
insensitivity, or confused

You have either a very poor
grasp of language, or an
equally poor grasp of
history, because no observer
of that event, no matter how
angry at Reagan, imagined
that his intent was to
glorify or exalt the
memories of the S.S. officers
buried there. His intentions
- whether to assist Helmut Kohl
politically or to express to
the West Germany of 1985 the
forgiveness it had been
seeking since the demise of
the Third Reich - are not and
have never been confused by
any serious person as an
attempt to "lionize" S.S.
officers. [snip]

There are times when snide,
off-the-cuff references are
appropriate or at least
funny. But accusing any US
president (no matter what you
think of his policies) of
glorifying the memory of dead
Nazis is a little
distasteful and not really
all that funny either.


Tom Castle

It's *over*, man. Chill out.
It's called "comic
overstatement" (whether you
find it funny or not). And if
laying a wreath and
commemorating the dead in a
cemetery that contained at
least 49 dead Nazis isn't
*precisely* or *literally*
"lionization," then you
should at least drop the
"perhaps" regarding the
matter. Read Lou Cannon's
sympathetic bio of Ron-Ron
for a fuller discussion of
the matter. And for god's
sake, get that Ramones

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Name of the Game

Dear Beers:

While I don't really
understand why I ended up
finding your column or what is, thought it was
very on point. What is going
on here?

I don't understand any of
this stuff either, but I'm
pretty sure it's the punitive
beatings and electroshock
that make things so "on
point." Pavlov's dog didn't
know the meaning of the word

Smelling cheese and charging
ever forward,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon


Maybe it's my medication, but
today's column left me pale
and shaken. Without referring
to it specifically, you seem
to suggest that we're headed
toward a David Foster
Wallace-tinged future of
ubiquitous corporate
sponsorship. Oh Lord, now we
have to proclaim the man a
prophet, and without one
shred of, you know, irony.
Please say it ain't so.
Please retract your story.
Please help me. Please.


One Small Man

Your message reminds me that,
when I first had the idea for
this column, I intended to
include a line that would say
something like: "Qualcomm
Stadium? The Blockbuster
Student Lounge? Geez, what's
next - subsidized time?" But
then I started writing, and -
whoops - forgot. I do that
kind of thing fairly often
and find myself sitting in
front of a computer screen
wondering if there wasn't
some kind of, like, point to
all of this. It's at times
like this that I feel most
like Hal Incandenza.


Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

your article ends by saying
it may lead to people paying
schools for influence over
what they teach. This isn't
really something new. I don't
suppose you heard about some
deal Microsoft was doing
earlier this year where they
would give rather large
grants to college professors
in exchange for an agreement
to push ways in which
microsoft's products could be
used as "solutions"?

i, and most of the people i
know, still refuse to call it
anything but the Summit. Of
course, seeing as the Rockets
aren't playing there or
anywhere else this year, it's
really not important.

and good Lord, this web page
for the Vietnam Wall looks
HORRIBLE. Who designed this?
A third grader using Netscape
Composer? [no offense to the
third graders.] This is the
sort of thing i'd expect to
see on Geocities.



Is it wrong for a
third-grader to love his

This reply brought to you by

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Your suck article today about
corporate sponsors was the
best suck in three (+ or -)

Did you know that the old
gringo in the Jane
Fonda/Jimmy Smits epic Old
was Ambrose Bierce?

Rebecca Hamilton


"Jane Fonda/Jimmy Smits

Missed that one!

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Astronaut Heroes

i was taunting someone
canadian on irc today, and i
wanted to look at the varied
'canadian rabbit on crack'
fillers for reference points.
unfortunately, typing
'canadian rabbit on crack'
into suck's search engine
provided no relevant hits.
could you possibly do a
feature on our beloved
canadian rabbit, with links
to his previous exploits and
perhaps even a new filler
based around him? that would
be keen.

fifth children


Yeah, show 'em that Canadian
rabbit on crack, that'll
really get their goats!

In time, our beloved rabbit
shall return as suddenly and
mysteriously as when he last

Patience, friends of the
giant crack rabbit.


Fish With Letter Icon

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