The Fish
for 3 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Name of the Game

Not sure if you knew it or
not, but about four years ago,
McDonald's paid about US$5
million to put two McDonald's
restaurants on Georgia Tech's
campus, as well as help
remodel the basketball arena.
There are a pair of Golden
Arches now on the basketball
floor of the Alexander
Memorial Coliseum at
McDonald's Center, the new
official name. When I
attended the first game in
the new arena, a friend said
it best. After seeing what
had been remodeled, and how
much better the arena looked,
he said "If this is what they
did, I say up with corporate
sponsorship!" Here's a URL
with more info:

George R. Notel II

Well, sure. But my question
is: How many hamburgers does
McDonald's sell because a
pair of Golden Arches appears
on a basketball floor? "Look
at those guys sweat and grunt
and collide! I could sure use
a Quarter Pounder right about
now!" I mean, what's the

It seems like naming rights
are a bit of an unexamined
idea, is what I'm thinking.
"Celine Dion played in that
building named after a rental
car company! And I love that
song from Titanic! Think I'll
go rent me a Ford!"

I doubt it.

But, I mean, if McDonald's
wants to pour some cash into
my shithole of an apartment,
they're more than welcome to
put a sign on my bathroom
door ...

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon


It occurred to me that Suck
should sponsor a sporting
venue. I suggest
Philadelphia's Vet Stadium
(Suck Stadium). Everything
that has come out of there
lately has been pure suck.

Other possible names: Hot
Wired Suck Park, Eagles Suck
Field, Phillies Suck Arena.
First Union Spectrum could
now be the First Union Suck
Spectrum (FU Suck Spectrum).
And so on.

If you take my suggestions,
please cut me in for 1 percent of
the multimillion dollar

Out for a Suck Buck,

Eric Chesna

"Drunk Bastard Stadium"
"Candy-ass New Media Whiners

You know, I think this could
work ...

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

In your piece about
corporations you left out one
thing. The breakneck urgency
to get corporate mitts on the
mid-ocean "black smokers."
You may recall some
mainstream media coverage
regarding the puppies. They
are on the ocean floor and
kick out a steady flow of
minerals dissolved in
superhot water. Basically,
these little guys, a-way down
deep, are faucets of raw
materials, such as gold. And
what happens when they cap
one off? The ocean is starved
of the minerals it needs to
maintain its equilibrium. Oh
well. End of life on this
planet as we know it. And
without the aid of an alien
invasion. How clever we are.

Jack Garman

Oh well. Guess it's time to
cash in those stocks, at any

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Astronaut Heroes


Man, you are so wasted on
this Filler thing. You
definitely need to find a
better gig. I'll talk to my
Boss and see what I can do ...
I know we've got a big
waterproofing project going
on south of Macon that we
could use some more people

Anyways, I got a Fantasy
Football question for the Ol'
Guru. OK, I've got a couple
of options at my #2 WR slot:
Do I play a hot Johnnie
Morton against a stingy Tampa
defense, or do I go with
Ricky Proehl who's the only
quality WR the Rams have?
Also, should I play my
high-scoring Seattle defense,
or do I look for a good
match-up, like Buffalo vs.
Indy? Thanks, and I totally
agree with you about Kodell
being way overrated.

Oh, and one last thing ...
when referring to Corn Nuts
in a comedy piece, always go
with Mesquite Bleu Cheese
Corn Nuts. I think you'll
find they're a little more
"over the top."

See you at Ronnie's!

Matt Horgan

Dude. Definitely take Ricky
Proehl over a hot Johnny
Morton. You know and I know
that the Tampa D is tough
against the run, and when
Charlie Batch doesn't have
Barry Sanders to depend on,
he turns to Silly Putty. Sure,
that Seattle defense is
sweet, but their opponents'
combined winning percentage
is under 500. They take that
middle-of-the-pack shit on
the road against tough
competition, and it just
doesn't cut the mustard.
Buffalo vs. Indy sounds like
the call. But you knew that.

By the way, I'd bet good
money on the Saints beating
the 49ers - although by the
time you read this it'll be
history. I know it sounds
unlikely, dude, but Steve
Young is playing the
candy-ass full-time these
days, and Ditka's boys are on
the warpath. Young is such a
pussy anyway, it'll be fun to
see him cringing and limping
and gimping as usual.

Man, I'd love to chat more
but I've got the worst angry
ass from those Bleu Cheese
Corn Nuts. Tasty little
fuckers, though!


Fish With Letter Icon

Follow-up Fish

What Reagan did can't fairly
be called "lionization."
Perhaps he exhibited poor
judgement, poor planning,
insensitivity, or confused

You have either a very poor
grasp of language, or an
equally poor grasp of
history, because no observer
of that event, no matter how
angry at Reagan, imagined
that his intent was to
glorify or exalt the
memories of the S.S. officers
buried there. His intentions
- whether to assist Helmut Kohl
politically or to express to
the West Germany of 1985 the
forgiveness it had been
seeking since the demise of
the Third Reich - are not and
have never been confused by
any serious person as an
attempt to "lionize" S.S.
officers. [snip]

There are times when snide,
off-the-cuff references are
appropriate or at least
funny. But accusing any US
president (no matter what you
think of his policies) of
glorifying the memory of dead
Nazis is a little
distasteful and not really
all that funny either.


Tom Castle

It's *over*, man. Chill out.
It's called "comic
overstatement" (whether you
find it funny or not). And if
laying a wreath and
commemorating the dead in a
cemetery that contained at
least 49 dead Nazis isn't
*precisely* or *literally*
"lionization," then you
should at least drop the
"perhaps" regarding the
matter. Read Lou Cannon's
sympathetic bio of Ron-Ron
for a fuller discussion of
the matter. And for god's
sake, get that Ramones

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Name of the Game

Dear Beers:

While I don't really
understand why I ended up
finding your column or what is, thought it was
very on point. What is going
on here?

I don't understand any of
this stuff either, but I'm
pretty sure it's the punitive
beatings and electroshock
that make things so "on
point." Pavlov's dog didn't
know the meaning of the word

Smelling cheese and charging
ever forward,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon


Maybe it's my medication, but
today's column left me pale
and shaken. Without referring
to it specifically, you seem
to suggest that we're headed
toward a David Foster
Wallace-tinged future of
ubiquitous corporate
sponsorship. Oh Lord, now we
have to proclaim the man a
prophet, and without one
shred of, you know, irony.
Please say it ain't so.
Please retract your story.
Please help me. Please.


One Small Man

Your message reminds me that,
when I first had the idea for
this column, I intended to
include a line that would say
something like: "Qualcomm
Stadium? The Blockbuster
Student Lounge? Geez, what's
next - subsidized time?" But
then I started writing, and -
whoops - forgot. I do that
kind of thing fairly often
and find myself sitting in
front of a computer screen
wondering if there wasn't
some kind of, like, point to
all of this. It's at times
like this that I feel most
like Hal Incandenza.


Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

your article ends by saying
it may lead to people paying
schools for influence over
what they teach. This isn't
really something new. I don't
suppose you heard about some
deal Microsoft was doing
earlier this year where they
would give rather large
grants to college professors
in exchange for an agreement
to push ways in which
microsoft's products could be
used as "solutions"?

i, and most of the people i
know, still refuse to call it
anything but the Summit. Of
course, seeing as the Rockets
aren't playing there or
anywhere else this year, it's
really not important.

and good Lord, this web page
for the Vietnam Wall looks
HORRIBLE. Who designed this?
A third grader using Netscape
Composer? [no offense to the
third graders.] This is the
sort of thing i'd expect to
see on Geocities.



Is it wrong for a
third-grader to love his

This reply brought to you by

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Your suck article today about
corporate sponsors was the
best suck in three (+ or -)

Did you know that the old
gringo in the Jane
Fonda/Jimmy Smits epic Old
was Ambrose Bierce?

Rebecca Hamilton


"Jane Fonda/Jimmy Smits

Missed that one!

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Astronaut Heroes

i was taunting someone
canadian on irc today, and i
wanted to look at the varied
'canadian rabbit on crack'
fillers for reference points.
unfortunately, typing
'canadian rabbit on crack'
into suck's search engine
provided no relevant hits.
could you possibly do a
feature on our beloved
canadian rabbit, with links
to his previous exploits and
perhaps even a new filler
based around him? that would
be keen.

fifth children


Yeah, show 'em that Canadian
rabbit on crack, that'll
really get their goats!

In time, our beloved rabbit
shall return as suddenly and
mysteriously as when he last

Patience, friends of the
giant crack rabbit.


Fish With Letter Icon

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